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Original poster

Marriage and Kids with the love of your life/soul mate OR NOT?

118 replies

MsJellybean · 28/10/2008 11:07

How many of you out there know you have settled down with the love of your life or was there someone else before that was probably the one? Have you settled for second or even third best? Do you wish life had turned out differently?

OP posts:
Issy · 28/10/2008 21:08

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motherinferior · 28/10/2008 21:16

I do have to remind myself of that rather a lot, of course, pn the occasions when the only thing that I light up with is sheer murderous rage. Or worse, generalised irritation.

Bink · 28/10/2008 21:22

And I am really so profoundly fond of dh. This evening we were talking about "luck" (and he has the expected view that you make your own); and I said "but have you ever actually experienced impoten ........... t frustration with the universe" and then we had to put our heads down on our place mats and laugh and laugh.

Soulmatey humour tends (IME as is the MN shibboleth) to be more intense, and not quite so jolly.

anniemac · 28/10/2008 21:33

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francagoestohollywood · 28/10/2008 21:38

I do light up in the same murderous rage, I think.

I'm still very fond of my dh, but I don't need him/want him as my soul mate or best friend. I still regard some old friends of mine as my best friends (some of them are men).

Fennel · 28/10/2008 21:41

Issy puts it well, I would never say my dp was my soulmate, nor do I really believe in soulmates, at least not for most of us. But DP leaves me a lot of space to be myself and I like that (til the real soulmate turns up...).

DP tries to finish my sentences in public sometimes, it always makes me snarl at him, I'm so terrified of being couply.

anniemac · 28/10/2008 22:15

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LittleMonkeysMummy · 28/10/2008 22:23

LittleMonkeysDaddy is certainly my soulmate. We met on a blind date (were living at opposite ends of the country at the time) We survived long distance (and the fact he worked offshre) Anyway been together for 7 years, married for 3 and have a beautiful DD (LittleMonkey) Can't imagine my life now without the 2 of them!

As my mum says you've to kiss a few frogs before you find Prince Charming!

anniemac · 28/10/2008 22:23

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Bink · 28/10/2008 22:33

Re partner risk/broken relationship: I'd be completely knocked down with a feather if dh did anything betraying - because his whole self-image-esteem-investment is about being astute & long-term (&, directly accordingly, trustworthy). That is of course not to say that it couldn't happen; but I would very frankly think he'd taken leave of his senses if it did; and I guess therefore I'd be in a very different place to people for whom it's sort of a current possibility all along.

More IME generalisation : my soulmate boyfriends were much more susceptible to straying, because (I think) they were much more led by the heart (or whatever) than dh-types with their heads screwed on. (I didn't stress too much over the straying, as it tended to make a most convenient break-clause for me.)

anniemac · 28/10/2008 22:44

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anniemac · 28/10/2008 22:53

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Plonker · 28/10/2008 23:08

I love my dh with all my heart and soul - we met 14 years ago and have three beautiful children.

As for the question "Is he my soulmate?" Honestly? i don't know.

As time goes by i realise that there are more and more things that we really don't see eye to eye on. More and more things that make me wonder why we're together, more and more things that we seem to be on polar opposites on.

Sometimes i wonder if he loves me. Wonder if he likes our lives together any more.

... and then he'll make me laugh ...he still always makes me laugh ...and that makes me think that yes, we do belong together.

I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. I hope that will be enough ...

Plonker · 28/10/2008 23:11

God that sounds really sad!! we're happy really ...honest

honestfriend · 28/10/2008 23:12

no- DH is not the love of my life- there were others but the timing was all wrong- too soon, too late, too married.

PortofinoPumpkin · 28/10/2008 23:12

I met my DH when i was 20 and hated him on sight - thought he was an arrogant arse. Then he happened to start working with me - and we had a fling and I fell in love with him then i think, but he really fancied my friend So she didn't fancy him, but when i told her that I had slept with him, all of a sudden she did! (god this sounds so sordid when i type it). Ans she was my friend so I took a step back.

So they had a relationship for years, and I stayed friends with both of them, and sort of got over it (and lived with someone else). Then many years after we kind of crashed back together. We've been together now for about 8 years and married for 3. Sometimes I still think he's an arrogant arse, but I really think it's fate, and I can't think of being with anyone else (unless Antonio and Enrique come calling - but that's another thread)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2008 23:30

DH is absolutely my "the one". Been with him for 11 years since I was 23, and I have never loved anyone but him. I have been in situations before that where I THOUGHT I loved someone, but as soon as I fell for DH, I realised that they had all been mere trifling episodes! He feels exactly the same with regards to his previous relationships.

I honestly think that if I had never met him through a very specific, linked set of circumstances, then I would still be single. And happy being single, as I was when I met him. But when I think of now being without him, well, then it breaks my heart. I have pondered about how I might feel about relationships with other men in the future if, GOD FORBID, he should ever die whilst I am still young, and I honestly think that in those circumstances, a second husband could only ever be second-best, even though it might work purely based on friendship or mutual convenience or whatever. For me, I just don't believe that the lightning bolt could strike twice.

solidgoldskullonastick · 28/10/2008 23:31

I'm happily single. Have had some nice affairs in the past but don't actually like being in a couple. It's not compulsory you know. While I'm always pleased for people who have found a partner they are happy with, all this 'soulmate' business is bullshit: there's any number of people out there who you could pairbond happily with if you want to pairbond. Most people settle down with whoever is attractive, available and not abusive when the urge to mate strikes, (or when they have been going out with someone suitable for a few years and can't face being single again or want to breed) and do just fine on it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2008 23:35

Solidgold: "Most people settle down with whoever is attractive, available and not abusive when the urge to mate strikes, (or when they have been going out with someone suitable for a few years and can't face being single again or want to breed) and do just fine on it".

Are you sure you're talking about real, human people? Sounds like you're describing 2 sparrows at nesting season.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/10/2008 23:42

Hmm! Not really sure what constitutes a "soulmate"- I imagine it to be someone who thinks akin to me, shares my likes and dislikes and has similar opinions on things- so not my DH then!

Before I met DH I had a mental checklist for my ideal man. He didn't tick any of my imaginary boxes- he ticked boxes I didn't know I had! We are very different in every way, but feel very definitely like a team. I still fancy the pants off him, he intrigues me, amuses me, infuriates me (noone can wind me up like he can), brings out both the best and the worst in me, but I am addicted! We seem to pull together really well, and I am very proud of him being my husband.

Although on other days I wonder why the hell I married him

purpleduck · 28/10/2008 23:48

sparkybabe Your post seemed so sad - couldn't ignore it. .

I don't believe in "soulmates", but for a very very long time I believed that dh and I were %100 meant for each other.

Lately there have been so many things chipping away at our foundation -I look at him differently. I really want to get back to that nice place we were at (or an equally nice new location ), but I don't know how.

solidgoldskullonastick · 29/10/2008 00:06

CHA: Yup. That's what people tend to do. It's just that some of them like to dress it up with a lot of cod-mystical bollocks about 'destiny' and 'soulmates'. This is mostly harmless but can sometimes lead to daft and unethical behaviour (repeated dumping of partners because every new attractive appealing person in sight is the 'real' soulmate).

eidsvold · 29/10/2008 06:36

not sure if it is the term to use - soulmates - dh and I fit well together - is what it is for me.

I was married with what I thought was the love of my life - unfortunately - my married best friend happened to be the love of my exH's life

I can't imagine not having dh in my life - not in a scary omgosh what will I do sort of thing BUT a - not seeing him, talking with him, being around him sort of thing.

We got together and married very quickly - marriage was a huge step of faith - I did not 'know' him very well as such but I knew it was the right thing to do. 7 years, move to the other side of the world and three dds later - I know we work. He was just so different to other guys I had been drawn to - there was something about him.

My only wish - that I had met him sooner BUT i obviously had stuff to work through and a move to the UK before that would happen.

OrmIrian · 29/10/2008 10:10

" long-term relationships, and all the tedious monogamy they involve are really quite hard to keep going, I think. "

Too right MI, too right!

I sometime long for the freedom of being single, or not having to work at a relationship all the time. It's very cosy and all that but then again so is being smothered in a duvet I expect. Sometimes I long for a good blast of icy air

Anna8888 · 29/10/2008 13:11

My DP is my soulmate in that I absolutely want to be with him and only him.

But I do like having a break from time to time. This is something he finds difficult to cope with, as he grew up with the idea that couples should never spend a night apart (work commitments aside). I think (and my family in general think) that each partner in a couple needs to spend days/nights/weeks doing things on their own/with other adults from time to time. My DP is getting better at this, and completely understands my point intellectually, but hasn't quite got over feeling that this is some sort of betrayal of what coupledom should be...