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Original poster

Marriage and Kids with the love of your life/soul mate OR NOT?

118 replies

MsJellybean · 28/10/2008 11:07

How many of you out there know you have settled down with the love of your life or was there someone else before that was probably the one? Have you settled for second or even third best? Do you wish life had turned out differently?

OP posts:
Flum · 28/10/2008 14:40

I certainly can't imagine being as happy as this with someone else but who knows!

sparkybabe · 28/10/2008 14:44

Phantasmagoria - that's it exactly. Exactly. I wish I had someone who could 'light me up' .

expatinscotland · 28/10/2008 14:46

I don't believe in 'the love of your life', soulmates or 'the one'.

I honestly feel more than one person can be right for you at a certain time, place depending on where you are in that time and place.

MorrisZapp · 28/10/2008 14:57

I don't believe in 'the one'. If there's only one person who is ideal for you, it's a bit of a coincidence that they live/work near you isn't it.

I have had a 'soulmate' in the past who was also moody, rude, had alcohol issues and didn't like me having friends.

I now have a wonderful partner who isn't a soulmate but who is as good as I'd ever allow myself to dream of living with. He'd make a great dad, he's friendly and cheerful - he's an all round honey really. He isn't my soulmate but I'm not daft enough to waste my life waiting for somebody who can tick all DPs boxes and see inside my brain too.

I want my life to begin now, not in some mythical future.

wtfhashappened · 28/10/2008 15:03

Interesting thread. I fell head over heels for dh when I met him, as I had done for 3 others previously all of whom I had great times with, but now 16 years down the line, we are much more a strong team and best friends than anything else, and he is a great husband and father whom I still love deeply, but he is not the only one I have called the love of my life in total, if that makes sense. One of them just got in touch (platonically) via facebook, and I have to say I am glad now that I didn't have a family with him, becuase once the initial romance changes into something else, I am sure our relationship wouldn't have been as strong as my marriage is. I guess at some point we have to accept that feelings change over the years. Sometimes I wish I was 24 again and still at that first flush stage, but have been vociferously slammed for vocalising that on other threads, even though I was just chatting about it.

anniemac · 28/10/2008 15:03

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anniemac · 28/10/2008 15:11

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Snippety · 28/10/2008 15:12

DH is "the one". I utterly adore him. There was a line in "Big Fish" about someone meeting their future wife and how at that moment the world divided for them into her and everyone else - I can't put it as eloquently as in the film. Anyway that's how I feel about DH. He's like an extension of me. I will love him forever.

I have been married before when I was young (disaster) but wouldn't have contemplated a child with anyone else. He is a fantastic husband and father - working very hard to make sure I can stay home with DS. Leaves breakfast on the counter and a packed lunch for us in the fridge as he goes off to London at 6.30am. Does all our shopping on line. Does most of the cleaning on Sunday mornings while playing with DS leaving me to have a lie in. Patient, kind, a fantastic lover , funny, intelligent, caring, talented, romantic (I get handmade cards with his own poetry inside, sometimes in French ! He composed the music for our wedding !). The only thing I don't like about him is his cat and my only regret is that we didn't meet sooner.

OrmIrian · 28/10/2008 15:14

Well re the lighting up thing, DH and I have been together 20 yrs. Married for 16 last week. Until the children were born, I did used to light up when I saw him. So it lasted a long time. I am still usually glad to see him and we are still a strong team most of the time, but the lighting up is over. Too many things have happened, too much bloody hard work and stress. So the gilt has worn off, but the gingerbread is still good.

I do miss it sometimes. It would be nice to be in love with someone again, with all it's pains and pleasures, but I wouldn't swop it for what we have.

anniemac · 28/10/2008 15:20

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Pinkchampagne · 28/10/2008 15:23

I knew my ex H wasn't "the one", even before things were really bad between us. There were times when he would say "you don't love me", and I would try to reassure him I did, but I didn't love him as much as I should have.

I love my new DP like I have never loved anyone before though. After being with him just a few months, I knew I didn't want to be without him. If there is such a thing as "the one", he is the one for me!

geordieminx · 28/10/2008 15:24

Dp and I had a casual thing when I was very young, it wasnt supposed to be serious but it was one of the most amazing years of my life. It was mutually ended as we were both falling in love, but didnt think the other one wanted that.

I got with someone else, totally on the rebound, very nearly ended up getting married, but had a chance meeting with ex, so called off the wedding (3 months prior) and set up home with ex.

He is my soul mate, and the love of my life. He is the most wonderful dad too. Every day I think how lucky we were to find each other again - although we both moved 150 miles away from our homes and ended up living a mile away from each other without actually realising. Definately fate.

Bink · 28/10/2008 15:36

I've had a fair few (at least 5) long-term "soulmate" relationships and they don't suit me (or, indeed, them, I think) - I'm quite an introvert so the risk of retiring into folie a deux codependent unsociable we-don't-need-anyone-else stasis is quite high. And not healthy.

Dh is, as you might guess, very very much the opposite: he's a big extrovert, enormously sociable, purposeful, lively, interested in everything, can come across a bit too dynamic for some people

I think - if you can make the distinction - I chose him with my head rather than my heart. But since we've been together one of my regular dreams has been being married to/with somebody else, and in the dream I am always kicking myself that I am not with dh instead. So that's nice.

MorrisZapp · 28/10/2008 15:45

Bink, I totally understand that (though cast me as the 'too dynamic' one and DP as the introvert!).

It's so true that with a 'soulmate' you can end up living on an island, so to speak.

My DP and I have our own lives, and our lives with each other. This suits me best. I didn't enjoy the suffocating feeling of having one person meet my every need - and the pressure to return the favour.

As I get older I realise that I'm a 'cat' rather then a 'dog' (bear with me!), in that I love the company of others, but only on my own terms and when I feel like it. I'm quite self sufficient and hate feeling 'trapped' with somebody.

But I do love all the good stuff that comes with having a relationship - I wouldn't be without it.

phantasmagoria · 28/10/2008 17:16

Does a soulmate mean that, though, that you don't need anyone else? that sounds awful, and yes, codependent and rather eww.

Bink · 28/10/2008 17:22

Probably a personality issue Phanta - if you're an introvert (ie me), hiding under the duvet with another introvert, however deliriously nice it is at first, is not recommended in the long run.

But a big outgoing personality soulmating with another big outgoing personality might be fine.

MorrisZapp · 28/10/2008 17:28

I think a soulmate would be somebody who totally 'gets' you, somebody who can finish your sentences and knows exactly what you mean etc etc.

Ime this ruined our relationship because we became 'too close', and our sex life dried up very quickly as it felt like incest to me - like sleeping with my brother, yuck.

I like to be one person, living with another person. Not one big blob that merges together.

Having said that, I do appreciate that my own experience is subjective and that loads of women are delighted to have found a soulmate.

memoo · 28/10/2008 17:29

DP is definately my soulmate.

I have been married before and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I never believed in 'the one' etc til I met DP. Now I know what everyone else was talking about. I think the reason I never use to believe was because I was with the wrong person, although it took me many years and 2 children to realise this.

He is absolutely the only man i will ever be with for the rest of my life. Before I met him that thought would have scared me now I feel its the only way my life can be because to be without him just isn't an option

phantasmagoria · 28/10/2008 17:30

Ah, I see the attraction, Bink, and right now, as I contemplate a future as an elderly single mother, the idea of ANYONE to share a duvet with seems appealing, whatever their myers briggs........

TheFallenMadonna · 28/10/2008 17:37

Soulmate? God, I don't know. I've been with DH for 17 years. I've had ample opportunity to find another. And naturally have met other men who were attractive and tempting. But not worth risking what I have with DH for. I think he has been more tempted. But stuck with me

And the longer you are together the more you fit I think. Or at least the harder it is to imagine fitting anyone else. I would find breaking in a new man very hard I'm sure.

Mind you, my grandparents met and married within three weeks, and bickered like crazy were happily married for over 50 years. SO either they were soulmates or they were just bloody lucky...

Bink · 28/10/2008 19:02

Oh no really Phanta I would heartily dissuade you from the merged-duvet-blob scenario, whatever its initial enticements. All it means is that you wake up four years down the line and think "Hmm. So, what's new since 1983?" and you realise: nothing.

(Funnily enough I am doing some self-suading here as I have recently come across, in an entirely theoretical way you understand, and the bloke in question has No Idea and will not be given any, someone who ticks all my "old" boxes. So it is quite important to remember the downsides of someone who finishes your sentences.)

PS dh finishes my sentences too: but with the WRONG ENDINGS!!, and not because he knows me utterly but he's too impatient to get onto the next thing to wait for me to find that perfect expressive word I am fishing for. Oh - funny, just realised! - theoretical old-boxes bloke finished a sentence for me last time I saw him, with the right idea but not a poetic enough word. Hmm.

phantasmagoria · 28/10/2008 19:34

Oh I agree Bink it's just getting a bit parky...........that sentences thing FREAKS me, however poetic the word.

Glad to hear you have the savvy to realise that the old boxes are BAD boxes, girl.

Issy · 28/10/2008 19:53

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Bink · 28/10/2008 19:58

Issy darling the modulations of your last sentence are genius

Phanta - I've just realised you've been going through some grim stuff: sorry if my take on it has been a bit flip. You do sound fabulous, may I say.

motherinferior · 28/10/2008 20:40

I have to say I think Mr Inferior suits me very well. More than at least one chap with whom I was absolutely besotted at the time.

But then I get slammed vociferously on many threads for muttering that long-term relationships, and all the tedious monogamy they involve are really quite hard to keep going, I think.