quick thread - is this woman a toxic parent?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

basically in a nut shell, it's DP's mum - i've not mentioned anything to him at all, but i'm getting increasingly annoyed with her/their treatment of him. recent examples include.

(dp has been out of work for the last 3 weeks btw was made redundant - but he;s looking into PT work as he wants to go to uni to finish his engineering studys) I know he's 28 & lives at home - but hes' trying. anyhow. recent things include:-

last night he's told (after not eating anything ALL day,) not to help himself to the fridge any more as it 'messed up her dinner plans' - he had two sausage rolls about half 8 as they were out in the pub getting drunk (their choice).

She knows the EXACT number of things in the cupboard so he can't even have beans on toast. This is a 28 year old man here so not a child. he usually will go all day with nothing and then eat at half 10 or later when they get back from the pub drunk. if he does help himself he gets such abuse he doesn't bother.

yet his brother can do as he wishes (has move back with his gf in the last week)

his brother carrys on the all manner of abuse with the food etc and eating what he likes from the cupboards. again He/GF can DP can't - (and hasn't all the time i've known him - of which he;s been working/paying rent)

he's not allowed to use the washing machine at all due to the 'electric' so if indeed he does have something that needs doing he does it by hand, she will wash his stuff if there's enough room at the end of the week.

as I say he wants to go back to uni to get a good sound engineering job in the boat yards, we've looked at all angles - ie if he couldn't get a job what could he do with the degree, followed by how he'll fund it etc etc, all is settled, from his folks he gets 'what do you want to do that for' followed by 'well I don't know how you're going to do that' and 'you won't do that' - can they not say OK son, how can we help you get there - ie you can study in the evenings etc when were out, or you can keep the rent money as you'll be working PT?? His dad said to him well you'll have to go on the bins then (as in be a bin man) it's good money - well yes it maybe good money but it's not what he wants to do - so should he take a job with no prospects to keep them happy? (not that there's anything wrong with bin men btw) but he has openly said to me he wants to do this to have good prospects.

oh and also last night he came home to find the telly/radio on, when his parents came back drunk, she had a major rant at him & how he was wasting electric, so when he said well actually you left it all on she said 'oh whatever'

so is she/they toxic, or controlling, I can't quite make it out tbh.

there's a difference between supporting your children and keeping them. Right now he is being kept and has been for the past 10 years - why didn't he study before then?

She is not withholding food from him - he is a grown man and is perfectly capable of going out and buying his own food - even going to mcDonald for a meal if he can't be bothered to cook it, but at 28 he should not be relying on his mother to feed him.

And by offering him food out of your cupboards you are continuing the cycle - he is not, and imo never will be independent.

Lots of people who dont do the whole 'traditional' university thing have to live at home with their parents for longer. I say this as someone who left 'home' at 18 aswell, but I didnt know anyone who had had to do the same unless they had gone off to uni, then mum and dads was still home in the hols etc

Not being able to use the washing machine doesnt mean he wont make a good engineer fgs, i did a degree in computing but still couldnt figure out how to program the dvd player!

dh is an engineer and thwey do lack rather in logic

I'll tell you why you'd stop your boy from having food:

When you're so fed up with having this useless great lump sponge off you, that you will do anything to get him out of your house and get a bit of your life back.

If he had a good wage, and then went and spent all his food money on going out and getting pissed, and then expected to eat out of their cupboards - then yes, I'd be stopping him eating my food!

I think it's difficult for us to understand his mum entirely, perhaps, because our ds' are still small (not sure how old yours is, mine is 2 in Jan) and I can't imagine denying him food if he was hungry.

BUT coming in skint and hungry from the pub and raiding your parents' cupboards is something you do when you're 17, not 28!

When i read your OP i thought, "God, his mum sounds like a nightmare - poor bloke!" Now I'm thinking, "God this bloke sounds like a nightmare - his poor mum!"

filz - I know plenty of people who left home at 18 to go to uni, and then had to move back in with their parents because they couldn't find a decent graduate job with a living wage.

But they had all moved out again when they were 24/25 (at the latest).

thats only 3 years younger, please put it into perspective

Yes - but there's a MASSIVE difference between going away to uni for 3/4 years, getting a degree, and then going BACK to live with parents for a few years (and I say 24/25 because that's how old the oldest one was IYSWIM - most of them were moved back out in a matter of months) and then moving out for good; and sponging off your parents in between dossing out of your college course at 18/19 (??) and getting a girlfriend at 28!

And I think your dh's situation is very different too - he was supporting his mum as much as his mum was supporting him. It's different if mum and dad are still together, they want some time to themselves and to start enjoying their twilight years together (to quote the Saga ad!)

I know re the DVD player - my dad had to be shown how to use the ATM machine FFS! (and that was only 5 years ago!)

anyhow on that note I've got yet another job interview so off out. lol.

i'm prob too soft - and my DS is 2.5 - but id never see my worst enemy go without food (ok maye OW - lol. only joking wouldn't even see her go without food)

Wait until your ds is 28 and still expecting all his meals off you Spandex and see if you still feel the same way!

I need to go and get ready for work too!

His Mother does sound controlling but this man is not helping himself here by being in such a situation in the first place. He needs to move out.

On another issue entirely my BIL is 45, unemployed yet again and still lives at home with his parents. He is a useless sponger.

Sounds to me like they are trying to get him to leave home once and for all.
Why does he put up with it? The parents are weird and they act like teenagers going to the pub to get drunk.
He needs to get himself into a bedsit at least, then he will be free of their controlling influence and all the food he has will be his.
My parents tried everything to try and get my brother to leave home.
Said he had to buy his own food, made him do LOTS of errands so he never had time to himself, would not wash his clothes.
Shouted and screamed at him to pull his socks up and get a job (he has been unemployed for over 10yrs), he has loads of computer qualifications but NO ambition whatsover.
He now lives in a bedsit, paid for by housing benefit and thinks its the lap of luxury, as he has his computer and some food.
He does voluntuary work, but just does not want to progress and next year he will be 40yrs old.
I've given up ranting at him as it's not worked for the last 20yrs.
So the parents the op describes sound at the end of their tether.

He has been in the bedsit for 4yrs now and this spring i MADE him strip his bed as he had the same manky duvet cover on 4 YRS!! Yes he has NEVER had a girlfriend and he is not interested boys/girls.
Just can't fathom him out anymore.

But just now you said he'd been paying them a good level of rent, Spandex. He hasn't. In fact, he has until recently had a good job but only paid the sort of rent that wouldn't get him a room in a shared house elsewhere.

And when his Dad suggested that he get an unskilled job so he could carry on this modest contribution, he refused. I quite agree with the other MNs that his parents are trying to send him a message.

They want him to stand on his own feet, including setting himself up to earn the sort of money that means he can survive without being subsidised by them. Sounds reasonable enough.

(and what's wrong with a room, anyway, if you're single? dh lived in shared houses until he was 32).

It may be that this degree is a good idea, but at his age it would be unreasonable to expect his parents to fund it.

If he's been in work all this time and payng this titchy sum of money to live on them, with no dependants or responsibilities of his own, then I'm amazed that he hasn't saved any money for a deposit. Where has all the money gone? That's probably what his parents want to know.

SpandexIsMyEnemy on Mon 27-Oct-08 08:46:53
£200 is (with his last job) approx 1/4 of his wages - this job's been for him quite well paid iycwim.

How many of us are able to only spend 1/4 of our wages on accommodation, heating and food? I don't know any adult who can spend 3/4 of their income on non-necessities.

If he has been living off his parents, using their heating and electricity etc- what are all these bills he has to pay? Surely it's his Mum and Dad who have been paying the bills.

He sounds pathetic. I lived a romm in shared housing until I was 33. I had one espeically hard year where I was unemployed. I've done some crappy jobs, just to get be but otherwise had a pretty good professional career. I would never have contemplated moving back in with my parents. I could have, but I value my independence too highly.

When I lived in Egypt (before I was married) I used to have a spiel in Arabic to tell people who were horrified at my singleness: 'It will be a black day when I get married. All men are like children, first with their mothers, then with their wives.' Be warned!

By SpandexIsMyEnemy on Mon 27-Oct-08 08:44:17

"no he hasn't been saving.

he's not feckless & lazy.

he's been doing the usual thing which a young man does - go out & piss it up the wall, have holidays etc.

that's his choice. "

Not if it's been funded by his parents, it isn't.

(looking into the years to come, when ds is 27 I'll be in my sixties- just trying to imagine him saying, well it's my choice to go out and get pissed and have holidays, you just have to keep me )