quick thread - is this woman a toxic parent?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

basically in a nut shell, it's DP's mum - i've not mentioned anything to him at all, but i'm getting increasingly annoyed with her/their treatment of him. recent examples include.

(dp has been out of work for the last 3 weeks btw was made redundant - but he;s looking into PT work as he wants to go to uni to finish his engineering studys) I know he's 28 & lives at home - but hes' trying. anyhow. recent things include:-

last night he's told (after not eating anything ALL day,) not to help himself to the fridge any more as it 'messed up her dinner plans' - he had two sausage rolls about half 8 as they were out in the pub getting drunk (their choice).

She knows the EXACT number of things in the cupboard so he can't even have beans on toast. This is a 28 year old man here so not a child. he usually will go all day with nothing and then eat at half 10 or later when they get back from the pub drunk. if he does help himself he gets such abuse he doesn't bother.

yet his brother can do as he wishes (has move back with his gf in the last week)

his brother carrys on the all manner of abuse with the food etc and eating what he likes from the cupboards. again He/GF can DP can't - (and hasn't all the time i've known him - of which he;s been working/paying rent)

he's not allowed to use the washing machine at all due to the 'electric' so if indeed he does have something that needs doing he does it by hand, she will wash his stuff if there's enough room at the end of the week.

as I say he wants to go back to uni to get a good sound engineering job in the boat yards, we've looked at all angles - ie if he couldn't get a job what could he do with the degree, followed by how he'll fund it etc etc, all is settled, from his folks he gets 'what do you want to do that for' followed by 'well I don't know how you're going to do that' and 'you won't do that' - can they not say OK son, how can we help you get there - ie you can study in the evenings etc when were out, or you can keep the rent money as you'll be working PT?? His dad said to him well you'll have to go on the bins then (as in be a bin man) it's good money - well yes it maybe good money but it's not what he wants to do - so should he take a job with no prospects to keep them happy? (not that there's anything wrong with bin men btw) but he has openly said to me he wants to do this to have good prospects.

oh and also last night he came home to find the telly/radio on, when his parents came back drunk, she had a major rant at him & how he was wasting electric, so when he said well actually you left it all on she said 'oh whatever'

so is she/they toxic, or controlling, I can't quite make it out tbh.

I do accept that it is harder now to do things like buy a house than it was when I bought a house (28 as it happens), but you've stated that he was made redundant, so he has been working. Has renting now got so expensive that it isn't possible to afford a room in a shared house on the minimum wage ?

Like others I do understand people leaving home and coming back again but to not have left at all in 10 years is something else again. It is a rite of passage that he hasn't gone through. I do think his poor Mum is probably approaching the end of her tether.

so if he's been paying £200 all in and working has he been saving?

Well how much has he been earning? I mean - what percentage of his wage is £200?

I managed to live on my own on a wage of £11k per annum, when I was working and studying for my diploma. I had a one bed flat, which was £500 per month, all bills inclusive. I had about £20 a week to buy food, fags and beer with.

I survived. I managed quite a good standard of living. Yes my social life was going round people's houses to get stoned but I think it was a good learning curve in how to budget etc.

Unless this guy got his act together there is no way I'd be moving in with him. I think you are very wise to leave it a year or so before even considering it!

x-post with zookeeper and NDTH!

it costs about £280 a month for a room in a shared house

I think spandex you need to look at his mums POV. He goes off to the pub and spends money on swilling beer and no money even on beans. She is frustrated with him, thats all. there is nothing toxic about it

no he hasn't been saving.

he's not feckless & lazy.

he's been doing the usual thing which a young man does - go out & piss it up the wall, have holidays etc.

that's his choice.

hes' ready to settle down, he wants a good job with prospects. hence going back to uni.

he's been out of work for 3 weeks in all that time - I could understand if he had been bumbing about for the lasst 10 years or indeed had an abundance of kids with various women but tbh I think you're all being v funfair.

eh's also had his own bills to pay - mobile car to run etc etc. (and his wages haven't always been good)

tbh if my ds was stilling living at home at age 28 i would be slightly so maybe his parents have just got to a point where they think he should move out and this is their way of pushing him out, but they do sound odd, but parents can be odd, my parents treat me very diffrently to my db, they took away his house key because him, his wife and their dc would go round and help themselves to food in the fridge! he needs to move out as soon as he can

Personally I would run for the hills and never look back.

He is 28 and still living with his parents. Not only that, he has the domestic skills of a toddler. Washing machines come with instruction manuals, do they not? And let?s be honest, if he can?t even use a washing machine then I don?t hold out much hope of him having a glittering career as an engineer.

You say he lives on pies and soups and beans and that he could buy all this value stuff from the shops, he is living like a student.

I do not believe that in 10 years he has never been able to afford to move out and get a room or a flat, if he?s been paying £200 a month rent to his parents then where has the rest of his salary been going? In 10 years he could have saved a decent amount of money especially if he hasn?t even been buying his own food/paying bills on top of the £200 rent he?s been paying.

And presumably he?s never had a relationship serious enough to move in with someone else wonder why?

Sorry but if I were his parents I would have come down hard a long time before now.

Maybe they want him to get a job rather than go to uni because they don?t want to be saddled with him for the next 4 years while he plays at being a student.

when we first moved out DH was earning minimum wage, I was at college - we managed to pay the rent and feed both of us on that.

Wages have increased in that time (as has rent obv). Your DP would surely qualify for low income support if he can only manage £200 a month?

£200 is (with his last job) approx 1/4 of his wages - this job's been for him quite well paid iycwim.

prior to that I ahven't been with him so don't knwo the % of his wages.

I'm seeing things from his mums POV yes - but also wondering at what level you stop supporting your child??

he currently doesn't have the money to go to the pub - he has the money to come over to mine (it's 36 on the train) and that's leaves him about £30 after all his other bills have been paid - mobile etc and a loan he had form years back)

sapndex maybe his mum thinks he has met a nice girl now and is trying to push him in the right direction

You don't get your wage and piss it up the wall for 10 years while sponging off your parents!

OMFG I'd be putting his stuff out on the streets and writing a letter making him officially homeless so he'd get the fuck out of my house! I know that sounds harsh but fgs - he's 28 and pissing his wage up the wall?

RUN Spandex RUN! He sounds like an immature teenager-man and he will not grow up EVER!

he won't be playing at being a student.

and if you read the thread you'll see we're looking at moving in together.

oh and I don't see how not knowing which load things go in on the washing machine means he won't be good at engineering - a job he's been doing on a low leave for a few years.

my dad's a tradesman as well but can't use the washing machine - does that make him stupid as well.

lol. filz - I think the exact words were 'she's smart don't fuck it up .'

seriously??!!

I think thats rather alarmist. Some people, especially men, do need a BIG SHOVE to move out. Dh was still living with his mother (dad dead) when I met him. He was 26! He has been a wonderful husband and Father and I havent mothered him at all. Dh also had a goodish job but had no idea of how to apply himself in order to 'work his way up'. He was getting paid a pittance for what he did. It happens

well there you go. She is happy he has met someone nice and is obviously trying to help him along

"he's been doing the usual thing which a young man does - go out & piss it up the wall, have holidays etc.

that's his choice." exactly. He hasn't not been able to afford to live independently, he's chosen not to so he could go on holidays and go out getting pissed.

Do you honestly see your life with this man? Can you see him as a future father to your children?

At what age do you stop supporting your child?

That's a very good question - my parents still help us out financially with stuff, but then we don't live with them, and we help with things like lifts to and from the airport, or whatever.

I think his mum is at least partly to blame - she has allowed the situation to fester so she's now in this situation where she has a lummoxing great 28 year old MAN living in her house, paying a token amount of rent, going out and getting pissed with his mates, going on holiday, etc etc and she hasn't forced the issue by making him move out!

I don't think you ever stop supporting your kids, tbh. But it's much easier to have that view if they move out at 18-24 (like they're meant to) and pop back to steal your stain remover and have a Sunday roast!

Do you see what I'm trying to say?

You piss away your pay when you are 18/19/20 - by the time you are 28 you settle down!

My ex boyf is currently living back at home due to a relationship breakdown. He isn't paying much rent to his mum but that is because he is still paying for various thing for his ex as he felt guilty for leaving her in the lurch.

But - he has been NOT living at home for years before that, and is only back temp whilst he gets back on his feet.

Parents should be there when you need them most, but at the same time, the main part of a parent's job is teaching them to leave.

read filz post.

tbh I think he will and has.

(yes my story is much the same as yours ndt)

I ahve 1 DS and told DP on fri night, I'm studying (hopefully working myself shortly - have been looking/having interviews for the last 3 months to no avail) anyhow, as I rather rudely pointed out to him that if i'm (hopefully0 working PT plus studying my A levels at OU for my maths degree, followed by raising a boy and running a house, then i'm damn sure he can get out get a job & pick up the god damn towel after using it in my house cos i'm not his mother! (been there with XH and the dirty laundry)

it seemed to knock home - as I say thou i'll support the college the food thing etc - but if I can do it as in juggle all those things why can't he?

but still don't see why you;d stop your bnoy from having food!

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN!

At least until he has lived independently for a good year or so, and managed to get his degree and a half decent job. And you have house-trained him (your words! ) to not leave the kitchen in a state and taught him how to use the washing machine.

28 is far too old to live with your parents. I'm not even 28 yet and I know that!

FWIW when I met my dh he was living with his parents, but that was because he had come out of a long term relationship a year previously, and had been pretty much destroyed by his ex. He had had a house (mortgaged etc) and had made some bad financial decisions - but at least he had some idea of what living outside the familial home was like.

I think your dp is in for a big shock when he moves out - no going out and getting pissed with his mates. No nice holidays. Just endless day in, day out grind, trying to find the money for the rent. Like the rest of us did when we first moved out of our parents' house. The difference for him will be that he has had 10 years of cushy living and will expect the same standard when he leaves home - he's in for a big surprise. It's one thing doing that when you're 18 or so - but when you're 28 it's another thing altogether!

I can delete most of what I typed, everyone else has said it for me. To have not left home by 28 is truly, absolutely pitiful unless there are circumstances which mean you can't, drinking, holidaying etc are not excuses.

And I of course will support my children but to me the best way I can do them is to teach them to stand on their own two feet and be responsible adults (obviously encouraging them to have a bit of fun along the way) Things do go wrong in life and I will always be there for them when they do, but your DP's situation is completely different to that.

I think you are very brave contemplating a future with him until he has taken the step, moved out and been independent for a bit.