quick thread - is this woman a toxic parent?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

basically in a nut shell, it's DP's mum - i've not mentioned anything to him at all, but i'm getting increasingly annoyed with her/their treatment of him. recent examples include.

(dp has been out of work for the last 3 weeks btw was made redundant - but he;s looking into PT work as he wants to go to uni to finish his engineering studys) I know he's 28 & lives at home - but hes' trying. anyhow. recent things include:-

last night he's told (after not eating anything ALL day,) not to help himself to the fridge any more as it 'messed up her dinner plans' - he had two sausage rolls about half 8 as they were out in the pub getting drunk (their choice).

She knows the EXACT number of things in the cupboard so he can't even have beans on toast. This is a 28 year old man here so not a child. he usually will go all day with nothing and then eat at half 10 or later when they get back from the pub drunk. if he does help himself he gets such abuse he doesn't bother.

yet his brother can do as he wishes (has move back with his gf in the last week)

his brother carrys on the all manner of abuse with the food etc and eating what he likes from the cupboards. again He/GF can DP can't - (and hasn't all the time i've known him - of which he;s been working/paying rent)

he's not allowed to use the washing machine at all due to the 'electric' so if indeed he does have something that needs doing he does it by hand, she will wash his stuff if there's enough room at the end of the week.

as I say he wants to go back to uni to get a good sound engineering job in the boat yards, we've looked at all angles - ie if he couldn't get a job what could he do with the degree, followed by how he'll fund it etc etc, all is settled, from his folks he gets 'what do you want to do that for' followed by 'well I don't know how you're going to do that' and 'you won't do that' - can they not say OK son, how can we help you get there - ie you can study in the evenings etc when were out, or you can keep the rent money as you'll be working PT?? His dad said to him well you'll have to go on the bins then (as in be a bin man) it's good money - well yes it maybe good money but it's not what he wants to do - so should he take a job with no prospects to keep them happy? (not that there's anything wrong with bin men btw) but he has openly said to me he wants to do this to have good prospects.

oh and also last night he came home to find the telly/radio on, when his parents came back drunk, she had a major rant at him & how he was wasting electric, so when he said well actually you left it all on she said 'oh whatever'

so is she/they toxic, or controlling, I can't quite make it out tbh.

Spandex - I genuinely think that might be more because his dad doesn't really understand how the job market works anymore. In their day (I'm hazarding a guess as to ages here because your dp is 28!) that's what you did - you got a job and you got an apprenticeship on the docks and that's how you learned your trade. None of this fancy degree shit.

He Needs To Move Out. That's the bottom line - and I agree with NDTH - a person who has never lived away from home (at 28) is a little bit odd if you ask me. I went out with a guy who still lived at home at 28 (and still does now at 31!) and he was Very Odd.

I think that's unfair zookeeper - he can/could if he was allowed to I think - the job thing aside.

he's never been shown how to do the washing (so I had my white sheets in the washer with blue jeans on a hot wash) but anyhow, if the time was taken to show him etc.

yes but

he is acting and reacting like a teenager.

His mother says "i want to cook the only meal in the house" and his response is to accept it and moan. he needs to say "That's understandable, mum, but I don't live like that. I will cook my evening meal with the food I have bought while you are out. I will of course leave the kitchen tidy. Love you, Mum."

Then, he needs to move out. If he is getting abuse for it (and I'm not saying she is rational, at his age I am guessing she is menopausal) he needs to stand up, announce "I love you mum. I will speak to you about this when you are ready to speak calmly. See you later." And then go out!

he should be going shopping for himself, he cant expect his mother to stock the fridge and cupboards for him

same with washing, he should do it himself./ Either give her the money for electric or find a laundrette##

Like you say, he's 28 so not a child and his mum seems to be wanting him to behave his age

ofgs - putting a wash on isn't rocket science!

I'm not sure anyone ever showed me how to use a washing machine! I just figured it out as I went along.

And also, what Colditz said.

I imagine she is menopausal aswell

ooh no 31 is too old to live at home.

As I say we're looking at moving in together next year some when/thinking about it (gotta house train him first thou! lol) should help I think.

re the dad thing - his dad's a draughsman (sp) but has never used the trade - he got a job 35 years ago driving wagons & stayed there. Jist of it is there wasn't any jobs about apparently at the time.

it's not no - but do you not think that it would be nice to be shown? (i've told him colours one pile whites the other)

I've also said about the cooking own stuff and if he leaves it tidy then she can't moan about things.

usually he puts up with it, or ignores them and stays in his room.

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. His dad had a trade, but there weren't any jobs, so he took the first one with a decent amount of security and money and settled for it.

Things don't work like that any more.

The more I hear about them/him, the more I think that these people are not toxic parents - they're just older and more stuck in their ways. His mum sounds a little mad, but that's our prerogative - and if my ds was still living at home when he was 28 I'd be a bit nutty too, I'm sure!!

he's 28. If he's not happy he needs to deal with it or move out. He is using his parents but moaning about them at the ssame time. I don't know why you think the mum is being unreasonable. It's her house; her rules.

Just think how expensive it is to feed small children. I have 3 (9,7&1) and they eat me out of house and home. Just imagine THREE adult children. They most probably cant afford to keep feeding them all, has he not even thought about this?

Its their home not a hotel

it's just the food thing tbh. I know it's her house her rules - as I say it's prob my parent s being so laid back - if it's there take it and share type of an attitude. I don't understand on what level a mother would say don't you go in my fridge??

then again - mum made sure DB & I could both cook, clean & do the washing/ironing by the time wwe were in teens! - now that's harsh! lol.

You would say don't go to the fridge when you have a 28 year old who is not paying his way.

oh FGS until 3 weeks ago he was paying them a good level of rent - hes' been out of work for 3 weeks!!!!!

during which time he's been getting JSA & his last months wages.

he doesn't eat loads he'll eat one 'meal' which isn't even anything like a roast or a cottage pie it's things like a pie, or beans on toast - hardly mega money!

By the time my ds is 28 I'll be 52.

I do not want my children to still be living at home when I'm 52. I'd be extremely annoyed if they insisted on eating all my food and leaving the kitchen in a mess (not saying he does - I'm just wondering at reasons why she's so frustrated with him!) and using all the electric up. Regardless of whether he pays rent or not - the fact is he is far too old to be living at home, and I find it extremely difficult to believe that in the 10 years he's been working he has never been able to scrape together enough cash to get a flat share or a bedsit for himself.

Which leads me to believe that the "toxic" behaviour from his parents is a recent thing - potentially exasperation at him having lost his job, not wanting to get another FT job, and instead wanting to do (what they see as) a pointless university degree.

is he paying them rent money out of his JSA?

And don't you think he could have worked out himself how to use a washing machine by now?

Spandex if you let him move in with you I bet you'll be sounding like his mother in a few years

I am not being deliberatly obtuse either but surely he can go to the co-op and fetch a loaf and some beans?

bloody won'#t be zookeeper - I had this out with him on friday i'm not his mum and I won't pick up after him (not that she does to be fair) he leaves things clean & tidy.

the general standard in their house is not great - but that's how they choose to live - not how I choose to live so my house isn't like it.

He's not currently paying them rent from the JSA no - his dad won't take it off of him.

filtz - i've had this discussion with him - about doing that - even £10 a week of food will be enough for him I think - soups beans etc the value stuff he should be fine.

the electric is key meter so he could in effect put money on it when they're out as well.

I don't mean to be horrible spandex but he sounds bad news to me. Sorry.

he's neither.

his rent has been £200 per month - you tell me EXACLTY where you'd get somewhere for that??? incl the bills etc cos you certianly wouldn't around here not even a room in a shared hosue.