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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's the answer?

72 replies

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:25

God....I feel like I'm entering the dragon's den. Ok here goes: I'm a bloke in a relationship (2 years) and for quite some time, I've been getting the Big Freeze/ All out Warfare thing with her. I think I know why she does this - it's an insecurity thing right? She goes on until I respond, which is what she wants because she wants to know I care (?) or the Big Freeze, which is the other side of the same coin because when you refuse to talk to someone - you control them, and the only reason you want to control someoneis because you feel you're not worthy of them.

Right?

But that's not my question. My question is, do you think that if I tell her I know why she does this, that our relationship will become more open and intimate? The fact that I'm posting on this sight should indicate my desperatation. Don't want it to end.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 25/10/2008 22:30

You could try saying this "your behaviour has bothered me so much that I have entered and online forum for mothers/parents and left a very unclear message in the hope of shedding some,any,light at all on your reasoning.I must really like you huh?"

hellymelly · 25/10/2008 22:30

sleep deprived and crabby-but curious actually,waht do you mean?

ToughDaddy · 25/10/2008 22:32

Hi- very sorry to hear about this my friend. At first I though that this was a wind-up as your language sounded quite flippant. Don't mean to be dismissive but could this be the issue?

"dragon's den"

"Big Freeze"

"All out Warfare thing"

"why she does this"

"an insecurity thing right"

"I care (?) "

"other side of the same coin "

"why she does this"

mampam · 25/10/2008 22:34

Oh God I don't think my brain can cope with such a question at this time of night. Us females are very complex creatures. I am sure that one of the other mumsnetters will be able to help much better than I. Personally I think NO to your question but mainly because I think there are possible other ways of approaching/getting to the bottom of your situation. Good Luck

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:35

What I mean is that I cannot reason with her. When we have an argument (usually as a result of big freeze/Warfare) I always have to pick up the pieces. But I know that she does it because of her own feelings of insecurity. But she doesn't need to feel insecure - or play these childish games - so if I tell her I understand all that, do you think it will bring us together, or force us apart?

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 25/10/2008 22:38

what makes u think by not talking she's trying to control you, or indeed is playing childish games?

perhaps she's trying to work things out in her own mind before talking to you about a course of action.

it doesn't nec mean an insecurity thing no.

what causes the big freeze/warfare thing?

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:39

Tough - you are tough aren't you? Didn't mean to sound flippant - I certainly don't feel it. You appear to be insulted by virtually every word I've said.

Don't know where to go now

OP posts:

mampam · 25/10/2008 22:44

I can actually understand your point. I think it probably would help to talk to her about it but you have so got to approach the subject with caution!! If you use all the words that ToughDaddy has pointed out you are seriously gonna get her back up and you will end up worse off.

You need to approach it as a problem that both of you have. Not solely blame it on her because of the way she behaves. You are in the relationship 50/50. Your relationship has a problem and you both need to sort it out together. Do not lay the blame solely at her door.

ToughDaddy · 25/10/2008 22:46

Sorry Silent- I am not Tough at all. Just a big front really. Toughest guy that I have seen on here is

MrMajestic but that is another story.

Do you guys like each other?

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:46

Spand - \i think the problem is that she never suggests a course of action - as I said, whenever I have to pick up the pieces, she pretends that there's no problem and just wants to "move on". Nothing seems to cause BF/W - it just happens - but it's happening a lot - if it happened occasionally then, no problem, I get moody too. But there's just no provocation that I can think of

OP posts:

codtrolfreaky · 25/10/2008 22:50

err, why dont you talk to her rather than to us, a bunch of strangers... at least in the first instance. maybe she thinks you are rubbish at communicating your feelings to her?

solidgoldskullonastick · 25/10/2008 22:51

Have a think about what sort of things you are doing just before there is a Big Freeze. Are the same set of circumstances occuring every time? It is frustrating to have a partner radiating badwill and yet, when you ask what's wrong, to be told 'Nothing!' in a tone that suggests you Know Very Well What You Did - but is it possible that certain behaviour patterns of yours particularly annoy/hurt/upset her?

You haven't given any of us much information to go on, really. So I can only conjecture that either she is an irrational madwoman with PMT (does this bad stuff happen at regular four-weekly intervals?) or that you are doing stuff like snogging her friends, farting and sticking her head under the duvet and then asking her why she can't take a joke, or never ever doing any housework.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 25/10/2008 22:52

something is causing it - there must be - woman's POV here - I don't get shitty with my DP/XH indeed when we were together unless I had reason (or PMT!) which wasn't so often - reasons could be anything - but there's usually something - ie he left his dirty undies everywhere. could be something sptupid could be something big,

or might be she's depressed or summat - you won't know unless u try to talk to her about it - all we can do is surmise why she's doing it but of course we don't know.

but no I don't think it will help you telling her you know why she does it - and tbh there's a tone of manipulation in your first post.

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:53

Mam - thank you for yr comments. I'm not blaming her at all - I just want to know

Have I donesomething wrong? If so, what and can we please just talk about it.

BF/W never solves anything so why waste the energy? And as I say, I THINK I know why she does it.

Is she forcing me to end it? I think she might be ( could be wrong)

OP posts:

ToughDaddy · 25/10/2008 22:55

can you think of a few things that you can do to break the ice/show her that you care? Try doing one a day for a week and back it up by being pleasant and laid back. And then she whether you can open up a discussion but don't blame her just talk in terms of "we".

codtrolfreaky · 25/10/2008 22:55

WELL FECKING ASK HER THEN.

god, i dont know you at all but i'm finding you pretty annoying....

beaniescreamyb · 25/10/2008 22:57

"But that's not my question. My question is, do you think that if I tell her I know why she does this, that our relationship will become more open and intimate? The fact that I'm posting on this sight should indicate my desperatation. Don't want it to end. "

IF you sense she is insecure then find out what she is feeling insecure about and ask her how you can make her feel more secure. Yes I think talking to her is a great idea, but perhaps rather than 'tell her why she does this' you should find a way to talk to her about the way she feels and at the same time share the way you feel. You will both get something from it. If you don'twant it to end then tell her.

Seems to me that you are also feeling insecure. Talking is good.

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 22:57

Cod - I have tried to talk to her - she doesn't want to know. I have already explained how desperate I am.

Spand - If there was a note of manipulation then I don't know why - I'm not trying to manipulate anyone

OP posts:

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 23:04

Toughdad - yeah I've tried all that. I don't think it's PMT cos she always tells me about that (pretty considerate in that respect). It's the randomness that I don't understand - nothing seems to trigger it because 've even tried different approaches to see if it makes a diffrence. I'd like to add that we do like each other and most of the time- it's great - but this is not right. I don't know why - hencethe thread.

OP posts:

yama · 25/10/2008 23:04

How old are you both?

I'm asking as being told home truths about behaviour can either make someone defensive or take a long hard look at themselves.

I think I agree - freezing someone out is about control. I know because I do it sometimes (I try very hard not too though).

Apologies for the ramble.

beaniescreamyb · 25/10/2008 23:06

If you have tried to talk to her and it hasn't worked then how did you talk to her about it, what made it not work?

I think you are asking how to communicate in a way that would get you what you want- a happy secure girlfriend which in turn will make you feel more secure. Ask her if she s happy. Find out what she wants and then you will know if you both want the same things. It might mean that you have to change too.

Original poster

Silentscream · 25/10/2008 23:06

Beanie- TY - yes I am feeling insecure. All I want to do is talk to her but she's not letting me in

OP posts:

beaniescreamyb · 25/10/2008 23:10

What came first ? The big Freeze? Was there some specific thing which started the Freeze out or is this out of the blue and with real reason?

If it started with warare then ... why? Has this just built up over time and do you just need to start being nice to eachother, doing fun things, making an effort?

Try doing the simple things, maybe you are in a rut?

beaniescreamyb · 25/10/2008 23:11

sorry, shouldbe 'without real reason'.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 25/10/2008 23:12

maybe she has issshoos in her past?

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