What's the answer?

[Silentscream]

God....I feel like I'm entering the dragon's den. Ok here goes: I'm a bloke in a relationship (2 years) and for quite some time, I've been getting the Big Freeze/ All out Warfare thing with her. I think I know why she does this - it's an insecurity thing right? She goes on until I respond, which is what she wants because she wants to know I care (?) or the Big Freeze, which is the other side of the same coin because when you refuse to talk to someone - you control them, and the only reason you want to control someoneis because you feel you're not worthy of them.

Right?

But that's not my question. My question is, do you think that if I tell her I know why she does this, that our relationship will become more open and intimate? The fact that I'm posting on this sight should indicate my desperatation. Don't want it to end.

Dittany - Don't we all "study" our partners?

If she told me what was bugging her, I'd be in heaven! But it's not the real stuff - She'll tell me about cleaning, hoovering, dishes etc, and I'll be the first to admit, I am not a model citizen in that department,but I do it ( cook, clean etc) but this is different. his is serious conflict, where once there was none.

I didn't want to disclose personal details but as you don't know who she is, it probably doesn't matter. Here is an example of a recent "warfare" scenario:

(me sitting in armchair in the morning)

She: What do you want to do today? (Saturday)
Me: I'm not bothered, what do you feel like?
She:I'm asking you.
Me: Ok well, how about the flicks?
She We could do that (meaning, no fucking way)
Me: Or?
She: We could go and visit my cousins
Me: Ok
She You don't want to do you?
Me: Yeah, well, ...I'm not bothered etc etc

You can figure out the rest for yourselves, but you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about

If it was a woman asking the same thing, would you ask them why they are on the internet trying to get help?

Do you say 'I'm not bothered' a lot?
Maybe YOU need to be more positive?

He is not viewing her as a separate species! He is trying to work out what is going on and why her behaviour has changed... as a person, not as a woman.

I know what you're talking about. I also want to say that the fact that she's a woman is irrelevant, pmt, issues, whatever...! I hope you talk to her directly about this asap for yourself. Please don't put up with that behaviour from any adult or make excuses, look after yourself

Dittany - I DO KNOW WHY SHE'S DOING IT!!!!
That was my original question!!

Do I let her in on the fact that I know why she's doing it - to generate more intimacy - or, by doing that, am I going to lose her???

That's all!

I'm probably going to lose her anyway so it probably doesn't matter either way but....christ, I was just hoping for a bit of insight, that's all.

Oh - this is all rubbish. SOme of you are giving him a hard time just because he is a man!

Am off. Hope you get it sorted. Talking is good, thinking about the way you do the talking is better! Good luck and I hope you don't get too hard a time in this thread.

Good for you ofor trying to get another perspective.

If the 'reason' you know is that she wants the relationship to end, then there is nothing you can do to make the relationship 'work'. The relationship is going to end. And it would honestly be better and kinder all round to put it out of its misery.

Beanie- Yeah perhaps you're right. Saying "I'm not bothered" kind of translates as "not interested" doesn't it - TY, you're v supportive and critical in a v positive way

N8 - TY, you're great by the way

SilentScream - I can be a difficult old cow to live with, I am often unreasonable and prone to sudden bursts of temper. No one is perfect; sometimes it takes the one you really love to tell you, in a sensitive way, when you are being unreasonable and help you to recognise when it's happening and how to deal with it.

If you try your best to explain how you feel about her behaviour, and she still can't engage in a reasonable conversation about it, then perhaps you will need to face that she just doesn't want to work on the relatioinship.

I am changing the way I react to things because I am in love and I am learning to understand how my negative behaviour impacts upon my relationship.

Dit - Do you think I haven't tried to establish why she freezes me out? Have you read this thread? I WANT to talk about it - she doesn't.

Ok, I didn't want to visit her cousins, but that wasn't the point - the point was, that it didn't matter what I suggested - it turned into open warfare. Do you understand this crucial point Dittany? It doesn't matter what I suggest - she will turn it into warfare- I could suggest washing orphaned babies feet in a pool blessed by the Dalai Llama and she would say, "and that strikes you as a good night out does it?"

thank you for your time - I'll go now

What Dittany says is very likely the truth TBH. Talk about how you feel. Listen to how she feels. It's a start.

Ok, that's good Dittany. Maybe we do just say "fuck no" to each other but that was just a single example. There have been plenty of times when I've said exactly what I wanted to do and she's gone along with it.

(thought) Do you think that maybe she wants me to be the one who makes the decisions?

But you're right Dit, I have not told her about how the BF makes me feel -

I'll let you know - seeing her tomorrow

BTW - Notdoingthehousework - you are pure gold

From what I've read it seems most people have hit the nail on the head.
It's a communication issue, and the best way to deal with that is to communicate differently.
I don't think you understood what dittany meant by the I feel X when you Y. Basically the way you talk to someone can often be the way that they will respond, so if you are quite indecisive, so will they be (even if you have a decision in your head) the same goes for accusatory tones, so if you say "you x you X' rather than i x i x' they will immediately get on the defensive.
What would she be like if you asked her to talk?
Could you make her a meal and say to her that you are feeling X?

Oh also, it is very possible she wants you to make a decision, not to be set in stone, but as a start point.
DP will say to em 'What do you want to do today?' I say 'dunno' because I want him to say 'how about X?' so I can say 'Well, could do, but how about Y?' just to judge his mood really.