What's the answer?

[Silentscream]

God....I feel like I'm entering the dragon's den. Ok here goes: I'm a bloke in a relationship (2 years) and for quite some time, I've been getting the Big Freeze/ All out Warfare thing with her. I think I know why she does this - it's an insecurity thing right? She goes on until I respond, which is what she wants because she wants to know I care (?) or the Big Freeze, which is the other side of the same coin because when you refuse to talk to someone - you control them, and the only reason you want to control someoneis because you feel you're not worthy of them.

Right?

But that's not my question. My question is, do you think that if I tell her I know why she does this, that our relationship will become more open and intimate? The fact that I'm posting on this sight should indicate my desperatation. Don't want it to end.

Yama(Buddhist God of the underworld?)If 42, she's 44. Christ, when I say it like that it seems pathetic that we can't work it out

Beanie - it's not about what I want, but I do want her to be happy - with me! If she's not - then what's the point?

Beanie - Warfare first - maybe I pissed her off (probably - not above making a complete arse of myself) but it's more and more frequent and yes, it's built up over time. She is nice to me, but I cannot cope with the continuing random Freeze/ War thing which is now, spiralling out of control. It happens at the drop of a hat. I'm not saying that she is entirely to blame - it MUST beme too - but she won't level with me. If I'm an arsehole, the Iwant her to tell me - then, perhaps I can stop being an arsehole.

You want a happy secure girlfriend? Are you doing things which make her feel unhappy and insecure? Anything at all?

What I mean is perhaps things have become a bit stale and perhaps you are taking eachother for granted, which has led to bickering and resentments? Maybe all you need to do is work a bit harder to freshen things up - both of you. No harm in you starting by thinkng about what you can do to make her smile and have some fun.

SilentScream - you know, you're the only one ever to get that.

Okay, next question - has she been on her own for any length of time?

Beanie - TY - Good advice but I've already done all that. I've tried sending her flowers spontaneously - tried arranging surprise days out - and she appreciates it.

BUT

I can't help feeling that she is wanting this to end. I think the magic's gone.

My original question was - do you think it would be a good idea to tell her why I think she's doing this? If I'm right, then it might remove something which sheconsiders to be important - but that's not a relationship is it?

In that case it's worth the risk isn't it? Tell her, make her feel secure.

Yama - Interesting question - she has never been on her own for more than a few months - serial monogamist?

And you?

I really don't think you should 'Tell her' but then on the other hand you seem to have tried everything else.

If you are sure that you have tried everything then maybe you are right to just have it out with her if you really do think she needs to know some home truths. No one can say how it will go, but there are sensitive ways to deliver home truths, don't do it in a mean way.

It seems like a make or break situation. Maybe she is unhappy and maybe you will have to face it head on and accept that she just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Do you live together?

No - I haven't had too many relationships, but they've all been quite long and fulfilling - I don't take them lightly but am reasonably happy on my own so not going to die if this one ends - just don't really understand the shift. And you're righ, I've got nothing to lose, so I will just tell her what I think - I think it's the end though.

Drat. Oh well

Hi, Silentscream, what do you mean by: 'If I'm right, then it might remove something which she considers to be important -' ?

Beanie- I would never "tell her" anything! (my life's not worth it) And I would never be mean to a woman I've loved for 2 years.

I think she's unhappy.

We sort of live together. We've each got houses but when we met, we worked together and we pretty much lived together, but then we got moved apart professionally so we only see each other at weekends (probably should've mentioned that)

Thank you for your comments BEanie

If you both have different histories it may take time to adjust to each other. Doesn't mean it can't work though.

If you think she will/may listen it is worth a try. I think I indicated earlier - it is possible to hear home truths and change (if it's worth it).

N8 - hi, what I meant was, I think she considers her silent treatment to me as a defence mechanism - maybe she needs that - I don't know but she uses it a lot

Ok, so are you saying that you think she wants to end the relationship but is sort of trying to make you be the one to end it? If so, you could do worse than sitting down with her and saying 'Look, you don't seem to be very happy to be with me any more, do you think it's time to call it quits?' Sometimes a relationship has simply run its course, and the best thing for all concerned is to part as civilly as possible.

Yes, I think that could be it too. You really have nothing to lose by asking her, maybe she does need to use silent treatment as defence mechanism but you don't need it!

No wonder you've called yourself silentscream. IME people (adults) don't seem to be able to move out of that behaviour because it works for them as long as they can control someone else.

yes - I think so too. if you really aren't doing anything to make her unhappy perhaps it has just run it course.

Thing is, you talk about her defence mechanism... maybe she is not used to long term lasting relationships? Maybe she does feel insecure maybe she fears she will lose you, Maybe it's her relationship pattern?

SolidGold - I know - But I don't want to end it!! I LOVE HER

N8 - I agree - I don't need it, but I LOVE HER

I hope she is saying something, or is it indeed just 'clues'? From what SS is telling us, Her silent treatment is a big 'fault' of hers and silentscream can only study/analyse what it's all about. .

Then yes, in answer to your original question - tell her that you understand. Attempt to change her behaviour.

If she won't change though and you love her - will you tolerate it regardless?

Silentscream: thing is, if you love someone who no longer loves you/doesn't love you, then there is not a lot you can do about it apart from walk away with kindness and dignity. Few things are as demoralising, depressing, unhealthy and even unethical as trying to 'make' someone love you or stay in a relationship that they want to end.

Does the 'warfare' happen just before she starts to speak to you again. And then not discuss what it was really all about? A cycle...