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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum leaving everything to my daughter

72 replies

themagicdragon · 23/10/2008 22:24

My mum sent me a letter a few weeks ago, telling me how she was leaving everything 'in trust' (property, money etc) to my daughter. Essentially she will be leap frogging my brother and me. I haven't acknowledged the letter to her.

I'm happy for my daughter - hopefully she'll be set up financially. However, I can't help wondering what my mum is trying to achieve by telling me this now (rather than just putting it in her will and keeping it quiet), and how this will impact on my relationship with my brother (I know about her plans, but am sure that he doesn't, and that she won't tell him).

My brother and I have had a difficult relationship with my mum since childhood (verbal and physical abuse, neglect etc). My brother has always maintained that she plays us off against one another etc.

As she has got older, I suppose I've softened towards her (though we are not particularly affectionate) despite her previous behaviour. I've accompanied her to various hospital and GP appointments for moral support, and tried to sort out her administration problems (she seems to always be late paying things or getting into wrangles). I was going to go round and start cleaning her house every week, as she doesn't seem to be keeping it clean.

However, my husband asked me the other day why I was bothering helping her when she was so clearly cutting me out of her will and making sure I know that she is doing so. His question being: "What does that say about what your mum thinks about you?"

He feels that she is quite evil and manipulative, and that the will issue is an example of this. He also pointed out that she could even be doing this in an attempt to drive a stake between 1. my brother and myself, 2.my daughter and myself, and 3. my daughter and my brother.

What do people think?

OP posts:

HideousHauntedHalloweenHassled · 23/10/2008 22:30

I think your DH is absolutely right. That doesn't necessarily impact your softening feelings towards her in her old age, though. She may be manipulative, but that doesn't negate her needs. But if she has money to leave in a will, she has money to pay a cleaner - sorting that out rather than cleaning yourself would avoid weeks/months of bitter resentment.

wannaBe · 23/10/2008 22:30

I think your husband is right.

In fact I would go so far as to say it's possible your mum isn't even doing what she's said she is doing but has just told you that to prevoke a reaction.

If you and your brother are close, I would be tempted to talk to him about it, and express that you are uncomfortable with the situation and had no input into this decision. Then I would tell your mother that you don't want to know the contents of her will until she dies.

thornrose · 23/10/2008 22:31

Does your brother have children?

JackOLANTERNstini · 23/10/2008 22:33

Ask her outright if your brother knows as this is something you do not feel comfortable keeping from him.
If you have had the letter a few weeks and not acknowledged it do I take it you do not speak to/see her very often or you just haven't mentioned it?

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 23/10/2008 22:34

She's most likely doing to to play you and your brother off on each other. I don't see why it should affect the relationship between you and your daughter though.

I would also be tempted to phone your brother and tell him exactly what your mother said and, as wannabe said, that you had no part of this.

witcheseve · 23/10/2008 22:36

What would happen if you have more children or your brother has them, assuming he doesn't atm. I would discuss this with your brother. Not sure what is motivating your mother but it sounds like she may be trying to cause a rift somewhere in the family.

ClaireDeLoon · 23/10/2008 22:44

I donlt see it as cutting you out of her will but cutting your brother out

Original poster

themagicdragon · 23/10/2008 22:54

My brother doesn't have any children.

I have seen her since the letter, but haven't mentioned it (I tend to mull things over before I respond).

I do feel completely torn by this. I obviously should be happy (and am) that my daughter may be having money etc left to her. However, if I were in my brother's shoes, I would feel very annoyed that she is deliberately leapfrogging him in her will.

Wannabe:
"In fact I would go so far as to say it's possible your mum isn't even doing what she's said she is doing but has just told you that to prevoke a reaction."
Yes, I agree. She does have a lot of 'form' in offering to do things/ pay for things etc., but not following through.

I suppose my main issue is whether I should just cut her off, viewing this latest 'issue' as an attempt by her to try to poison relations between myself, my brother and my daughter.

OP posts:

Uriel · 23/10/2008 22:58

Why not treat it as if you never received the letter? You don't know for sure what your mum will really do when it comes to it.

If she brings it up with you, you can discuss it. If she doesn't, you can carry on as you are.

ClaireDeLoon · 23/10/2008 23:00

If it were me I would just rise above it, like you and wannabe say it may not even be true, if she gets a rise out of you she will have a hold over you to use the will against you again and again because she knows it bothers you.

And when the time comes if it has all gone to your daughter you could do a deed of variation to gift half of that to your brother or to any children he has by then. Although actually don't know if you can do that with your daughter being a minor.

ivykaty44 · 23/10/2008 23:01

There are a lot of games being played here - as your dp says your mother is manilpulating the situation to suit her own needs and wants.

But who is to say a lots of things:

your mother may live for another 40 years
your mother may change her will another 30 times before she passes on
has she really spent the time and money and seen a solicitor and had a will made?
has your mother got anything to leave to your dd?
will your mother need nursing care in 20 years time and that effectivly use all your mothers money to take care of her
your mother may become senile and out live all of you
the list goes on and on

Tell your mother what she chooses to do with her estate is her affair, also tell her that you will tell your brother - keep things out in the open stops the games and the game player.

CarGirl · 23/10/2008 23:05

your mother is being manipulative, just ignore the letter completely.

If it ever gets mentioned by your brother I would clearly state that you think your Mum is doing it to be spiteful/cause problems and you're not sure that she really has done it. I would also state that if possible you would try and sort it out when the time comes so that he does inherit something.

Original poster

themagicdragon · 23/10/2008 23:13

In the meantime, would anyone want to continue seeing their mum if she was being so manipulative?

OP posts:

JackOLANTERNstini · 23/10/2008 23:18

Well I would see her & ask her about it, then decide. Maybe with your brother there too?
You can't make a decision without discussing it imo.

witcheseve · 23/10/2008 23:18

Yes I would, it could be some sort of threat. Tell her you will mention it to your brother and make a pact not to rise to it.

ghosty · 23/10/2008 23:22

So your DH says you should only help your mother if you are going to benefit financially from her will?

I do feel sorry for your brother though.

CarGirl · 23/10/2008 23:22

If you want to help your Mum out because you are kind and loving despite her faults then that is good. If seeing your Mum messes with your head and you can't cope with that then perhaps back off. Your Mum is "ill" and always has been but she's still a human being IYSWIM

OLIVIASMAMA · 23/10/2008 23:25

My Father is doing exactly the same with his grand children, he is leap frogging my brother and I and leaving his entire estate to his grand children of which he has 4; my DD and my brothers 3 children. He is splitting their inheritance 50% of his estate to my DD and 50% to my brothers children which will then be split into three between them. He said that if he were to have left his estate to my brother and I then it would have been split 50 / 50 so he felt that was a fair way to do things.

I must say that I was a bit surprised when he told me about his decision but I didn't show it, he didn't give a reason for missing a generation which I find a bit odd but never mind, I have a reasonably good relationship with him so can't think that we've done anything wrong but it's just not the "norm" so I feel a bit uneasy about it as if somethings just not quite right.

In your circumstances though it's slightly different as your brother doesn't have children, I think that this will be the big issue for your brother.....hmmmmmm, not sure what your Mums up to but IMO she's trying to stir things up between you and your brother.

Ignore her letter.

Flum · 23/10/2008 23:25

This is normal in Dh's family each generation is skipped and money left to the Grandchildren.

In your case it seems odd as will not encourage you to care deeply for her in old age!!

Flum · 23/10/2008 23:25

This is normal in Dh's family each generation is skipped and money left to the Grandchildren.

In your case it seems odd as will not encourage you to care deeply for her in old age!!

ghosty · 23/10/2008 23:27

It's her money, her will, she can do with it what she likes.
We keep getting told by DH's Step Mother what FIL's plans are when he dies - he changes his will at least 3 times a year, he is 77 and has been on death's door for at least 8 years - and we just nod and then ignore it. The likelihood of DH inheriting anything is so remote due to SWIL (Step Witch In Law) spending it all on plastic surgery and cruises that there is just no point in worrying or indeed, caring, about it. And at the end of the day, it is HIS money, to with what he likes!!!!

crokky · 23/10/2008 23:27

themagicdragon - I find this quite shocking. She is not leapfrogging your brother - she is leapfrogging you and cutting your brother out altogether!

In your place, I would get your brother round and show him the letter. Be totally upfront with him or it will look like you have something to do with this strange plot. I would then speak to your mum (gently) and confirm that she has understood what she has done - does she understand what she is doing to your brother?

Do you think your mum is becoming senile? When MIL's mother started going senile, she would tell MIL that MIL's sister has said bad things about her etc and she would tell MIL's sister that MIL had said things. All untrue and the "nastyness" was actually mental deterioration.

OLIVIASMAMA · 23/10/2008 23:29

..... and yes - I would continue my relationship wth her as normal.

electra · 23/10/2008 23:32

My mother did exactly this to me. She tries to use money to manipulate me frequently and it sounds sadly familiar. These days I have learned to ignore it, as engaging in discussion about it would give her the idea that it actually bothers me.

Your mother knows that by sending you the letter, not only is she stirring up your feelings but is also aware that you will be concerned about how your brother is feeling.

SylvieSprings · 23/10/2008 23:56

Sorry to hear this.

You are doing the right thing by rising above it. Continue to show your mum the love and support that she needs. With time, she will see and understand that you care for her, not her money.

Don't worry about the will, it may change or not be in effect for yet a good few years.

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