Mum leaving everything to my daughter

[themagicdragon]

My mum sent me a letter a few weeks ago, telling me how she was leaving everything 'in trust' (property, money etc) to my daughter. Essentially she will be leap frogging my brother and me. I haven't acknowledged the letter to her.

I'm happy for my daughter - hopefully she'll be set up financially. However, I can't help wondering what my mum is trying to achieve by telling me this now (rather than just putting it in her will and keeping it quiet), and how this will impact on my relationship with my brother (I know about her plans, but am sure that he doesn't, and that she won't tell him).

My brother and I have had a difficult relationship with my mum since childhood (verbal and physical abuse, neglect etc). My brother has always maintained that she plays us off against one another etc.

As she has got older, I suppose I've softened towards her (though we are not particularly affectionate) despite her previous behaviour. I've accompanied her to various hospital and GP appointments for moral support, and tried to sort out her administration problems (she seems to always be late paying things or getting into wrangles). I was going to go round and start cleaning her house every week, as she doesn't seem to be keeping it clean.

However, my husband asked me the other day why I was bothering helping her when she was so clearly cutting me out of her will and making sure I know that she is doing so. His question being: "What does that say about what your mum thinks about you?"

He feels that she is quite evil and manipulative, and that the will issue is an example of this. He also pointed out that she could even be doing this in an attempt to drive a stake between 1. my brother and myself, 2.my daughter and myself, and 3. my daughter and my brother.

What do people think?

themagicdragon

Don't know if you've ever read the book "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward but it is something I would urge you to read.

People who have come from dysfunctional families often end up playing defined roles. What's yoru brother's role (scapegoat?) and what is yours?.

You sound like you've become her enabler despite her harsh treatment of you both as children (you're perhaps subconciously looking for her approval/love by helping her. She likely does not appreciate or care for what you do for her).

Think your DH is right; this woman has always been toxic and continues to be so. Now she's using the will to get back at you. Think your brother is correct as well; she is using methods to play one off against the other (a divide and conquer strategy. All designed to keep you in line).

Would suggest you keep all contact with your Mum to the barest minimum if you cannot feel you can cut her out of your life altogether. Certainly her treatment towards you as children would merit no contact in the present day.

I could not keep this from my brother.

Are you likely to have any more children? If it is all left in trust to one child, it is likely to drive a huge wedge between that child and any children born after your mother dies.

I would ignore the whole thing-she is being manipulative and there is nothing to say that it is her final decision or even that she has gone ahead and arranged it.
I wouldn't even mention the letter and if she is driven to asking just say something vague like 'it is your money-do what you like' and change the subject.
I wouldn't mention it to your brother either because she has then succeeded in manipulating you.

I would not beleive a word of it unless I saw her actual Will. It is one thing to put it in a letter and quite another to put it in a Will, and a complete other thing for her to keep that Will and not change it again before she dies.

Burn the letter, or hide it away, and deal with the Will when she is gone.

It depends on her motivation for doing it. I would be happy if my mum did this as the kids will need the money at 18 more than I do and it can mitigate inheritance tax when I eventually die as it will not ever be my money

I think you are reading more into this than is actually there.

Ring her and talk to her about it.

I agree with Ivykate and ghosty

My dh's grandfather changes his will every few months and delights in telling everyone.

I honestly honestly don't care. I think it is sad that an old man who has spent years and years penny pinching, being mean with his late wife to accumulate his money, and he now uses it as a stick to try and beat everyone with.

When he tells us the latest version, we just say "mmm", and nod our heads. Or we tell him to take himself on a holiday and get it spent.

Money given should bring a measure of joy, and when it is used as a carrot/stick then it just brings misery.

btw, if the money is left to your dd, it is benefitting you - knowledge that your dd has a nest egg must be comforting.

BTW, my dh's grandma died last month, and left everything to her daughter (my MIL), completely cutting out her son. How sad that the last thing in life you do is hurt your child. My MIL didn't like it and decided to split everything. I was very proud of her.

On the whole, people who go on about what they have left in their will and to whom, are doing this because they are manipulative trouble-makers. There are exceptions of course - if you've left it equally and fairly, or if you've had an agreement that one child will have money in their lifetime in lieu of a share of the inheritance or something - but generally speaking, it is perfectly reasonable to suspect evil intent when people start going on about their wills. I don't agree that you're seeing too much into it, straightforward honest people don't play these nasty games.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I've been thinking them all through.

I do feel that she is being manipulative, and that she has only told me about her will to get a reaction.

Crokky - she definitely understands what she is doing!

AttilaTheMeerkat - I'm going to order a copy of "Toxic Parents." And you're right, she does not appreciate or care for what I do for her. And I don't really understand why I do stay in contact with her, given all her previous behaviour towards us (brother and self).

Any times that I have tried to raise issues with her, she will just talk over me/ say that I am arguing with her/ refuse to remember any issues from the past/ or bring in some really cheap line such as: "All I asked you was whether....., and now I get all this. I'll remember not to ask in future!" [hmmm]

Ghosty
DH is I suppose, able to look at the situation fairly objectively (unlike me!) and see what she is up to. His question was whether I was going to continue contact with her, contact which will inevitably turn in to me becoming her 'carer' (with all its implications) as she gets older, if she is being so blatant in terms of saying that she won't include me in her will etc. He's not necessarily seeing this in a purely financial transaction way, rather that she is making it very clear how she feels about me through this will now, and that I should take note!

Purpleduck
I agree, its sad that there are some people whose last thought in life is to hurt their child. I just can't imagine doing this to my DD. Even if we fell out in a major way, anything that I had would be hers, and always has been.

This is normal in my family too as it is tax efficient. She may have been advised to do this. Not sure about your brother though - it may have been left for him to 'use' but to be for her eventually.

themagicdragon, glad that you have got some help and advice on here. FWIW, I had a brilliant relationship with my mother but she sometimes said this sort of thing for a reaction.

Wills are hideous hideous things and will always cause trouble, whatever the intention! When my mum died she seemed to have split everything equally. however she had given my brother a large sum of money shortly before she died which one sister and I knew about and the other sister didn't (my mum specifically didn't tell her as she knew what her reaction would be). My sister later found out and hasn't spoken to any of us since as she claimed we all cheated her out of money (warped logic, not sure how my sister and I benefitted!).

Apart from that, my mum left money in trust for all her grandchildren. At the time I didn't have children and now I do. It wasn't done maliciously at all but sometimes I do feel a little miffed that all my DCs cousins will have a deposit for a flat when they're 21 and mine won't!

I wouldn't let it become an issue to be honest, she's bound to change her mind several times and that's even more likely if she thinks she can use it as a weapon. I would talk to your brother about it though but in a 'look what she's up to now' kind of way rather than an actual concern. If she is trying to drive a wedge between the 2 of you she will succeed if he doesn't find out until after she's died, and you knew all along.

But a softening of your relationship with her, or caring for her in her old age should have nothing to do with how much money you are going to get at the end of it.

Hi themagic dragon - I'm a similar situation to you in that my Dad has divulged to me that he's intending to leave the family home to my brother and actually asked if I'd help draft the will

I declined obviously! I'm not bothered myself but don't want to get involved in the nitty gritty - mostly because my other bro and sis know nothing about this so if I get involved now, I'm inevitably causing problems for myself when he does pass away and there's a huge family fight.

As for how it should affect the rship with your mum going forward - speaking for myself, I'm just carrying on as normal. Still speak to my Dad at least once or twice a week (he lives abroad) and don't want to lose that rship with him as we have had problems in the past and I don't want to have any regrets further down the line.

My DH, like yours, is very peeved on my behalf, particularly as Dad seems to rely on me a lot for advice and help with various administrative stuff but I just see that it's none of my business what he does with his dosh - he's already told me I'm not getting anything so I've nothing to lose I guess!

Only you know how you feel - try not to let anyone else's - your brother or your DH - get in the way of that. If you're not happy helping your Mum as much as you do, then take a step back but do it because you want to, not because you feel aggrieved at any perceived slight. You'll have no regrets in the long run that way I think.

My brother did a lot better out of the family finances than my sis and I, even though the 'money' was from mine and sisters dad, not his biological father. Basically because he was much older he was given a house then later the inheritance was split three ways with grandkids, greatgrandkids getting a cut. So in the end his family got significantly more of my dad's wealth than his natural daughters did, us. Still we left it. Lifes too short.

I haven't read this all so apologies if my comment is redundant: did your mom say who are the trustees of the trust? You would atleast hope that you are one of the trustees to give you some control plus you would want to ensure that you can work with the other trustees (eg your DH). Ideally would also want to know what terms she has written into the trust. can you use assets for your daughter's school etc for example.

Could be tax efficient but this cuts your brother out, as noted above.

Is she just trying to provoke a response from you or is she motivated by tax planning? If so she should have discussed with you in advance?

Very forward thinking TD, but if the Op's mum was anything like mine she hadn't thought that far.

thanks witcheseve- my grandad dies nearly 30 years ago and my dad still hasn't unravelled the mess that he left behind. I have essentially walked away from it all.

Well, I know that my parents have decided to leave everything to their grandchildren and I do not see it in anyway that they don't love ME ...I know for a fact that they love me with all their hearts. I don't think being in someone's will is a measure of how much that person loves you. My DH will probably inherit something from his father but his father never even remembers his birthday
You clearly have other relationship issues with your mother so I don't know your own personal situation here but I think it is sad that the will situation is seen as a reflection of your mother's feelings for you

I know a few people who have considered skipping their children and leaving direct to their grandchildren.

Reasons given:

Because they don't like a child's spouse - perhaps they are concerned a marriage/partnership won't last and that the spouse will take money from the family which they (the grandparent) have worked hard to build up.

Or because on the case of death of their child, the spouse would inherit may re-marry and again the money could be lost or diluted.

Or because they think their child/child's spouse will squander the money.

Or because they feel their children are well set up already and they feel the grandchildren should be able to have a hand up earlier than parents would be able to do it e.g. it will pay for school fees, university fees or a deposit on a house.

My Dad is skipping to generations.

He feels that we (his 4 children) are well set up

My DS is 30 and doing well. his DD who is now 13, (DS and her Mother are not together and haven't been since before she knew she was Pg as a 15 year old.)

My Father feels that DGD (Fathers Greatgrandaughter, are you still following me) is the person who will most benefit from any money.

Although it is being left in trust until she is 30, with her Father accessing it.

Not because Dad feels that she is not capable of looking after it, but because he doesn't want her Mother getting hold of it.

I sympathise magicdragon. Sounds like very manipulative behaviour. I don't see how you can avoid telling your brother- wouldn't he be be very upset if he found out? I agree with your husband's assessment of all the potential family rifts in the future.

Also TD is quite right that you need more information about the Trust. Sometimes Beneficiaries rights can be very theoretical because full power really resides with the Trustees and there can be all sorts of discretion and loopholes to divert or restrict the money, meaning that your daughter might not benefit anyway.

At the end of the day, she could have written a will leaving it all to the local cat's home, but I don't see how she is being fair at the moment.

Thanks again everyone.

She hasn't given me any of the details of the trust. The comment in her letter was very much along the lines of: "And I'm leaving everything to DD in trust." She is not that financially aware to be doing this for tax reasons, it will be solely an emotional decision. She also said in her letter that she had a birthday present for me. The next time I saw her she handed me a tube of supermarket shower gel! I tend to think that she is constantly seeking a reaction from me.

She tried to phone me yesterday and I couldn't even face talking to her TBH. Its taken some time for what she's up to to sink in, and now it is, I'm feeling pretty annoyed.

Refuse to give her a reaction!