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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do anger management classes work?

10 replies

LissyD · 23/10/2008 19:50

My boyfriend needs some way of coping with the world. Ireckon he's depressed or something, but he copes with it by drinking and getting angry. Is there any point in persuading him to go to anger management?

OP posts:

Hadassah · 23/10/2008 19:53

Does he want to go to an anger management class?

Original poster

LissyD · 23/10/2008 19:59

He aks me what he can do when I say I'm thinking of leaving him. My answer up to now has been to just calm down, which he does for a few days, then is back to his old self. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

JollyPirate · 23/10/2008 20:03

Lissy - coping by drinking and getting angry is a scary combination. Does he take this anger out on you?

Anger management is great if he's someone who blows his top and lashes out.

If he's drinking though the likelihood is that any control he learns at anger management will be negated by the alcohol.

If any of this anger IS being taken out on you then my advice would be to get out of the relationship fast.

Original poster

LissyD · 23/10/2008 20:06

He only takes it out on me by shouting at me, he has never hit me. He hasn't done anything for a while but I am still nervous.

He's sleeping now, and he looks so beautiful. I love him so much, I wish we didn't have this problem.

OP posts:

JollyPirate · 23/10/2008 20:12

. It's not good that you feel nervous - are you nervous of him or just the anger.

Domestic Violence is about more than just physical violence and if he's shouting at you and making you feel nervous then it's abuse.

Original poster

LissyD · 23/10/2008 20:26

He is lovely mos of the time, I'm sure he loves me, he just can't cope when things go wrong.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2008 20:27

Your boyfriend needs to find his own way of coping with the world; you cannot find ways for him. Anger management is of little to no use if there is or has been violence (and you're on the receiving end of verbal abuse currently) in the relationship. If he does not want to seek help for his issues (and those I think are deeply rooted and were there long before he met you) you cannot help him.

Having read your other thread you have more than enough stuff of your own to be dealing with and you cannot and should not be responsible for his issues. It sounds like you are stuck in a codependency cycle; this is unhealthy for you. You can only be responsible for your own self and any children you have.

Hadassah · 23/10/2008 20:28

Anger management classes can sometimes work, if the peson has acknowledged that they have a problem, if they are very motivated to change their behaviour and if they are prepared to take full responsbility for their actions (i.e. if I shout, it is MY problem - not our problem, not my DH's problem). Even then making changes is hard. As JP has pointed out, shouting is abuse. You may or may not agree with this, and people's ideas of what is acceptable vary a lot. If I may make a suggestion, I would be thinking in terms of what is and is not acceptable to me in a relationship, and whether I am prepared to tolerate this behaviour, knowing that there is a real possibility - anger management or not - that the person will not change.

more · 24/10/2008 09:46

Anger management classes will only help if he realises that he has a problem, accepts it and wants to change. He also needs to realise and accept that it is him and him alone that needs to do all the work. You can't change him, the counsellors can't change him, and it is darn hard work to change.

Probably like alcoholism. They need to realise and accept that they have a problem before they can change anything.

I went to anger management classes once, but they did me absolutely no good because I was in complete denial as to having a problem.

Miggsie · 24/10/2008 09:54

If you persuade him to go and he goes under duress it won't work, as it has been forced on him from outside.
It will also be your fault that it doesn't work.
Things will only change if he admits: he can't cope emotionally with certain things and he uses drink and shouting as a coping mechanism/crutch, and that this is wrong and he needs to change.
You cannot change someone, they have to do it for themselves, and it is very hard and a lot of people never admit they are at fault in anything.

I have several alcoholics in my family and the only ones who have recovered, did it themselves...by deciding to change their lives themselves.
Any external help offered doesn't work becuase it has to come from within the person themselves. You can offer support once they have decided to make the change, but you can't change them.

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