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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be mad at my hubby

59 replies

happydays · 02/03/2003 10:33

Last night in bed, dh cuddled up and said he wanted to do something different (how can I put this, a different hole sorry), I have told him more than once NO. He asked again and I said if you are that desperate for it then I will get my mate round (who does do it), at that point he replied "oh yeah, go on then" I was deeply hurt by this. He has now gone to play footy so I have not seen him today, and last night I just sulked and went to sleep.

Now I do not want my friend to come round in case he is thinking about her in that way. I know I bought it up, but it was in a 'You've gone on about this again and I am getting pi**ed off with it'. This could drive me insane and I do not need it.

OP posts:
Chiccadum · 02/03/2003 10:43

Basically, if you don't feel comfortable keep saying NO and make sure he understands it. I find it hard to believe that he has asked more than once, he should have not asked again after the first no.

Have a good talk with him when he gets in from football and make sure he knows how hurt you are by this and also tell him he must never mention it to your friend.

If I had been in you shoes i would have been hurt and angry too. Personally I can't understand why men and some women find it a turn on, things are meant to come out of there not go in (sorry to be crude) eugh.

concorde · 02/03/2003 10:54

How about bringing a gay male friend around, just to see the look of his face!

Chiccadum · 02/03/2003 10:55

concorde

Original poster
happydays · 02/03/2003 11:46

To be honest, I did say to him, in you want that sort of thing, get yourself a boyfriend. I am not mad at him keeping on, I am just mad about they way he reacted when I mentioned my friend. I used to feel as though he would never cheat on me, but lately I feel as though I do not know him anymore. he knows I am depressed and this doesn't help my self-confidence. Maybe I should change my name to saddays.

OP posts:
Moomin · 02/03/2003 11:55

Most men (IMO) do have a thing about this. I think it's a boy-thing stemming from little boys' fascination with all things toilety together with a desire for dirty sex. No words of advice, I'm afraid except that it's very common. One of my best friends, who used to only go out with rugby players said that they were the worst in the world for asking for this type of sex. So much for the big macho men!

janh · 02/03/2003 12:15

I blame Bridget Jones.

Original poster
happydays · 02/03/2003 12:29

Hes just called me from the pub and wondered why I was in a bad mood, he thought it was because he is down the pub, (he always goes to the pub after footy so why would I), when I told him the real reason, he laughed and said "you are funny", at this rate, I hope to stays down the pub all day and drinks himself into a stupor and crashes at his mates house.

OP posts:
Original poster
happydays · 02/03/2003 12:31

Oh and what really annoyed me was that he said "I bet all your new mates on mumsnet know all about it now". ahhhh

OP posts:
lucy123 · 02/03/2003 13:22

agree with Moomin - this is very common, as is the two-women fantasy. Don't feel bad though - I bet if you actually did bring your friend round he would be absolutely terrified!

Tamz77 · 02/03/2003 16:04

I kind of know where you're coming from, as although my dp doesn't exactly hassle me about doing this, he frequently raises the subject in a 'half-joking' manner (eg, "It's my birthday next week, maybe you'll let me...". I know that in his case it's because he's read a lot of porn and talked about it with friends who do/have done it (his best mate had a girlfriend who was quite into it), not because the 'normal' mode of entry is not good enough! Perhaps your dh is making a similar effort to keep up with the macho banter in the pub - especially if he's never done it before (my dp is nearly 40 and I think he thinks it's something he should have done by now).

What annoy me most about my situation is that I have tried it with dp and it just wasn't happening. I had an ex who was into it and I have done it before on a regular basis - it could be quite nice - but current dp is just too big. He thinks I'm making excuses. I just change the subject nowadays. Stick to your guns and I'd say you should probably stop even making jokes about it, as your dh clearly doesn't realise that his regular requests are more than just a little irritating. BTW, loved the suggestion about bringing a gay male friend home

Original poster
happydays · 02/03/2003 16:12

I have tried it and didn't like it, so its not as if I refused point blank. Men ah

OP posts:
breeze · 02/03/2003 16:13

My mate did tell me she had read an article about that if you do it to often, it weakens the muscles in the bum and when you are older you might poo your pants. That might be worth mentioning. Not sure if it is true though. gross thought though

lou33 · 02/03/2003 17:58

I have a complete phobia about that part of my body and would stone anyone to death if they tried to get frisky in that department!

sezza · 02/03/2003 18:21

Does anyone else think that if a bloke wants to do it that way, he may be bisexual or - shock horror - a closet gay, which I think most rugby players are (what 100% straight man would want to cuddle with several others just get a ball - I don't get it!!)? Also, if you say no, that means no, he should respect your feelings.

babster · 02/03/2003 18:47

Make a deal. Say, OK then, provided first I can ram a well-oiled courgette into your...
Seriously though, I send my sympathies as it sounds hideous.

Moomin · 02/03/2003 18:48

The thing is, most blokes are probably quite curious about sex with another bloke but they feel it's such a stigma that they act in a homophobic way thinking that this will counter it. If a man is totally at ease with his sexuality he would probably admit that he actually likes having a finger up his bum during sex - not all, but loads would!

A gay male friend of mine is of the opinion that EVERY so-called hetero man would have some gay sex if it was offered on a plate with a guarantee no one would find out. I think this is a bit of a generalisation, but I do think men are terribly afraid to admit certain things but others things are seen as "macho" in the pub with the lads (anal sex, sex with 2 girls, etc, as mentioned before).

BTW, dh had a real curiousity about it when we met, too. We tried it a few times but it was quite painful on one occasion so we haven't done it since. And anyway, since dd came along and the piles with pregnancy, it's a definite no-go area!!! I do think it's something many blokes think they have to try before they die!

leese · 02/03/2003 19:20

babster - why bother oiling the courgette?..........

babster · 02/03/2003 19:48

leese - good point!

Chiccadum · 02/03/2003 19:56

Sezza: Rugby players need lots of love
Cos they cuddle for an hour and half
Then they take all their kit off
And sing mucky songs
And compare their bits in the bath

Original poster
happydays · 02/03/2003 20:10

Yes I think I will mention the courgette thing, but only sideways.

OP posts:
hmb · 02/03/2003 20:11

Butternut squash anyone?

Chiccadum · 02/03/2003 20:12

hmb

anais · 02/03/2003 20:48

Moomin, there is a theory that there is no such thing as 'gay' and 'straight' just varying degrees of sexuality. Sounds quite plausible to me.

ks · 02/03/2003 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

concorde · 02/03/2003 22:04

How many of you are squeezing your bum cheeks together reading this????? BTW did he come back from the pub?????