How Do I Offer Support to SIL Without Being Smug About Our Marriage etc?

[Highlander]

FIL is very ill (dementia) and we have to fly to see him./ SIL thus oversees most stuff as MIL is elderly (but fine mentally). he is in a secure unit at the mo', unlikely to go home.

SIL very, very close to FIL.
How do we say, 'look, we're a bit worried about you. How can we help?' You know, avoiding that whole passive aggressive tone?

SIL has health probs and does not have a partner. It's all very hard on her

sorry, sprogs yelling upstairs

"we'd like to help...please tell us what we can do"

Yes. ilove has put it perfectly imo

Wouldnt have thought you needed to mention the state of your own marriage if you just want to offer your SIL help. Can't you just say that you would like to help any way and what would she appreciate you helping her with the most? Am sure there are certain chores which she would like help on, or forms filling or help maybe applied for to take the pressure off SIL?

I think ilove has it. I'd also say that assuming you're far away, you're worried her first reaction might be something like, "I need help with visits, or shopping etc but you're too far away to do any of this"? In which case you could offer some concrete examples - eg, "could we do the shopping online for you and MIL and get it delivered locally or "we could do any research required on doctors/treatments etc".
Or if you think maybe she just needs to talk, just start calling her for a chat on a regular basis?

is money an issue? For you or her?

Try not to feel guilty that you have what you see as a better deal in life, she may have nearly all she wants and be very happy.

Give her some space, lots of new people bustling around when times are stressful can affect some people, it would me. How long are you there for?

I expect the simple approach would work best, as ilove has said, also might be nice for your DH to say it as well I'm sure you will do fine, you sound sensitive.

ooh, replies already

TBH, DH is bering such a twunt about her. She phones every other night with updates and DH comes off the phone with comments like, 'WHY is sis boring me with details such as how many pairs of PJs dad is going through in hospital' and, 'God that girl loves a drama'. Hmm, telling her brother cos she's not really got anyone else to offload on? And he never asks her how she is coping.

I think she feels a bit isolated and communication is not great - as a family they are well into keeping things from each other. She has apparently been researching care homes but not told anyone and DH said to just leave her to it. Granted, there is a lot of denial about his dad's decline, but I wish DH would grow up bit.

Money is not an issue. MIL tried to take money out of FIL's savings last week so I've advised that she needs power of attorney and that she should share that with SIL,as SIL gets the cash in the will (neat way I thought of MIL being supervised in money admin).

Y'know, maybe I just need to phone her myself with your suggested Q's. Men are just too crap at this sort of thing

LOL, Foggy, sensitive is not me! We're awfully open and blunt in our family.

I've finally persuaded DH that we need to fly home every month. I just can't believe that he doesn't immediately jump on the plane whenever there's a crisis.

I think speaking to your sister in law yourself would be good, sounds like she could do with hearing a friendly voice.

Yes, I think phone yourself. men are appalling. I now communicate with SIL and not my brother himself in 99% of cases. It's easier and more efficient. And more pleasant for all of us!

And sometimes it's easier to offload to an outsider.

We've had a similar - but much less stressful - situation with my grandmother-in-law. SIL lives near, and bears the brunt of it.

I tried to do what I can - in terms of researching care and entitlement to benefits and so on - but what SIL found most useful in the end was offloading to me. Not just because I was female and DH wasn't, but I think it's easier to complain to someone outside the family group sometimes. I'm not sure why, perhaps it feels less disloyal, or perhaps I was outside all the family patterns, or maybe just that she felt that going on to DH was berating him for not doing enough and so couldn't say what she thought.

It's all sorted now, as GMIL has decided to go into a care home of her own accord (97 is a good age to get to in your own home...), and the pressure is off, for the moment.

Someone who isnt sensitive wouldnt even worry about it!

Sounds like she need to talk about it. DHs can be twonks sometimes!

thanks for the advice. V useful!!