RAH - want a baby and he doesn't. Perhaps I should give up now!(long)

[Bobbins]

Dear all, as some of you know, around this time last year I lost my ds Harvey to pneumococcal meningitis. He was 10 months old and my only child. I wanted to try for another baby straight away with Harvey's dad, but there were real problems with the relationship prior to our son's death. I insisted that if we were going to actively try he should slow down on drinking so that we would have a head start before we even began. He thought this was ridiculous and proceeded to go out drinking even more than he had done previously. Eventually the relationship broke down irretrievably, during which time my mother also died of breast cancer, he was not there for me emotionally. Instead he started seeing one of my friends and it transpired that he was sleeping with her, so I told him to leave. At present I am in a protracted dispute over buying him out of our joint mortgage.

BOY, this is a complicated post!

I met someone else in October and he is gorgeous, very mature, a hard worker, and very intellient. The problem is; he is only 22 and I am about to turn 32 in April! He has recently moved into my house as a lodger, and its going really well, BUT.... he knows that I want a baby a.s.a.p. We have discussed this in depth. Obviously, at 22 he is not prepared for this and it is a definite no no. He knows that I feel some sense of urgency, and I have even said to him that I feel I am wasting my time dilly dallying with him. I feel that the sensible thing to do would be to finish this relationship and MOVE ON. Thing is, I think I love him. What a FOOL., I feel like I'm kidding myself re. potential future.

Anyone reading about my situation for the first time would probably think this is all too much too soon. I am so very ready to have another baby. I yearn for it and I just want to get on with establishing an appropriate realationship within which to raise a child. I wouldn't even thisk of conceiving until I believed it was a stable and long term relationship. SO...I feel like time is running out.

What to do?

Just to clarify, the urgency is not to conceive now, just to be in a relationship where there is the potential for this in the near future.

Also, the main reason for his moving in, apart from enjoying his company, was that my ex stopped contributing to the mortgage. It seemed sensible for him to move in and contribute, as he was here all the time anyway, rather than paying his landlord a fortune every month.

These were very considered decisions.

God Bobbins I just can't even begin to imagine what you must have been through losing DS harvey. I can understand why you desperately want another child but are you sure you want it with your new partner or is it just that you want another child above anything.
32 is not so old that you need to be worrying about loss of fertility or anything. What does your instinct tell you?
If you split up with your new partner would you want to try and find someone who would have a baby straightaway? if so, would this be wise.
God, it's so hard to advise you what to do. I don't think time is running out though. there are many more years to try for a baby yet.LOL

I suppose it is slightly a case of 'I want another child above everything'. I feel like sacrificing a good relationship because of that lack of potential. It feels like a case of head over heart, or heart over head.

My father knows evactly why this is so important to me. He has even suggested sperm donation. I DON'T want to be a single mother though.

Bobbins - no real advice except that time certainly isn't running out on you ..... I had my first baby just two months before my 43rd birthday. If you are having a great time with this chap now, why not just try & enjoy it, you really deserve some fun after what you've been through....... give it another 6 months & then see how you both feel?

I think we posted at the same time there. THe problem is that you could give up your new partner on the basis that he doesn't want children yet but then how can you guarantee that your next partner would?
I'm not being harsh it's just that I don't see how you can look for relationship burely on that basis?

Thanks Lindy> I do worry though, there is a history of downs in my family.

Katie> it definitely is not a basis for a relationship. The problem is, the facts of my situation stare everyone in the face. It is so OBVIOUS that that is what I want.

I remember listening to that cheesy Ace of Bass song "All that she wants...is another Baby"and not relating to it at all. I really couldn't understand it. Now, that crappy song keeps going round in my head! I would never trick a man into having a baby. I want a real partner. ANY potential partner with any intelligence would have some inkling of my agenda though.

Bobbins I can't imagine what you must have gone through losing your ds like that, I really feel for you. But I can relate to the way you are feeling about having another child. The time thing wasn't an issue for me, but I was so desperate to have children that I chose to go the single parent route. I was 18.

You do have time yet, and I can understand your dp's hestitations. You've only been together 5 months and I would think the last thing most 22 yr old men are thinking about is children.

I don't know what to say, I can understand how you feel, but I can also understand your dp's feelings too. It's not really something you can rush. I think you need to really sit down and talk very honestly about what you want and what you feel. HTH a little. Good luck.

Oh Bobbins - I remember your posts from last year and I can imagine exactly how you feel.

My body clock kicked in early and I knew I wanted a baby a few years ago. My partner at the time was dead against having children ever and I found myself in a similar situation to the one you're in now (though admittedly I was younger).

In the end I decided to give it two years. I told him that at the time, but didn't mention it again as I didn't want him to ever be able to say that I'd nagged him into starting a family. In 18 months he decided that we should perhaps have a baby and here we are with dd. I would have left if he hadn't changed his mind within the two years.

For you the situation is a little different as 22 is very young to be a father. However I assume that he is somewhat older emotionally than most men of his age (who would probably run a mile, rather than even try to go on with this relationship). Maybe something along those lines would work for you.

If you do finish the relationship though, it would probably do you good to try to think of other things for a while. It sounds like you might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says "I want a baby" and that may not be the best start to any new relationship. Alternatively, if you were to go down the sperm donation route, you wouldn't have to be the classic coping-with-everything single mother - for one thing it sounds like your Dad is much more understanding (and helpful?) than most.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit. I think you should try waiting (hard I know).

anais> are you still a single parent?

Before I had Harvey I never felt this yearning, but the loss of Harvey, AND my mum just wants me to be nurturing all over again.

bobbins, fwiw, i agree with lindy, plenty of time. i can't bear to imagine how i would feel if ds died. i hope you and your partner find a way through this. best wishes and good luck to you.

lucy> Yes, waiting is exactly what I intend to do. But whilst waiting I should really be being realistic about potential. I would hate to end a good, fun, relationship, but even without talk ing and discussion we both KNOW what I really want. I don't feel comfortable continuing a doomed realtionship. We have even, jokoingly, discussed his helping me find a potential father for my baby.

Incidentally (sort of), new partner is from a little village in Potugal. Who knows what bearing this has on the situation.

Portugal

ACTUALLY> I am lying to myself, I would LOVE to be pregnant now.

Portugal eh? They love babies there (like in Spain). Maybe you should learn Portuguese and have a word with his mum!

Lucy>His mum wants us to send pictures. I'm afraid I'll look like some old haggard witch. NOT what you would want for your youngest!

Another thing - it's only been a year. A supportive relationship is really what you need right now. I do hope you manage to find some solution.

He is supportive, although prone to laughter at the most inappropriate times! One friend says it is down to nervousness. I am UNconvinced.

Could it be down to being unsure as to whether he has understood or not? I do that when conversing in Spanish all the time. (and sometimes I don't understand - it's very frustrating, hence being on Mumsnet speaking English so much.)

I did kind of assume he was supportive (that comment was meant as a don't-throw-it-all-away thing). Can you bribe him?

Lucy> are you living in Spain...sorry not up on people's situations.

Bribe him? What DO you mean?

You should know, I am a crap manipulator. Its all just right out there usiually, I am always amazed at mybest friends capabilities. I would like to learn though even if the methods are not utilised!

`OH...and Lucy, I have seen you on the grammar thead, so, please forgive my tendancy to stray. esp. re: apostrophe'''s

Yes. We live in Granada. Used to live on the coast, got fed up with all the fly-by-night-tricksters and coke-head timeshare sales people, moved to a village where they think we are a) hopelessly exotic, b)completely stupid or c) both. Actually we ended up moving in a hurry as a favour to our ex-landlady and we had just started to meet nice people on the coast, including a mother and baby group (they don't have those here). Hey ho.

Anyway I didn't mean money. I told dp that he was allowed to have a pet snake if I could have a baby (I was joking actually, but he was serious). We now have a little zoo in our house. Actually an animal hospital as the lizard is poorly.

But anyway I am a crap manipulator too, but I think that's a good thing!

haven't noticed you using apostrophes wrongly though. And web postings don't count - it's shop signs that annoy me. Obviously I need to get out more.

I use the word "actually" too much anyway so I can't really talk.

I wasn't talking money either. I probably should though. New dp has a warehouse job.

I am just out there, saying exactly what I need and want and i should probably be a bit more reserved about it all. Money does not come into it.

Lucy> sounds like a nice life> how did that happen, is dp Spanish?

Lucy> have a horrible habit of using 'anyway' at the beginning of paragraphs TOO. Especially in letters to friends.

Off thread!