RAH - want a baby and he doesn't. Perhaps I should give up now!(long)

[Bobbins]

Dear all, as some of you know, around this time last year I lost my ds Harvey to pneumococcal meningitis. He was 10 months old and my only child. I wanted to try for another baby straight away with Harvey's dad, but there were real problems with the relationship prior to our son's death. I insisted that if we were going to actively try he should slow down on drinking so that we would have a head start before we even began. He thought this was ridiculous and proceeded to go out drinking even more than he had done previously. Eventually the relationship broke down irretrievably, during which time my mother also died of breast cancer, he was not there for me emotionally. Instead he started seeing one of my friends and it transpired that he was sleeping with her, so I told him to leave. At present I am in a protracted dispute over buying him out of our joint mortgage.

BOY, this is a complicated post!

I met someone else in October and he is gorgeous, very mature, a hard worker, and very intellient. The problem is; he is only 22 and I am about to turn 32 in April! He has recently moved into my house as a lodger, and its going really well, BUT.... he knows that I want a baby a.s.a.p. We have discussed this in depth. Obviously, at 22 he is not prepared for this and it is a definite no no. He knows that I feel some sense of urgency, and I have even said to him that I feel I am wasting my time dilly dallying with him. I feel that the sensible thing to do would be to finish this relationship and MOVE ON. Thing is, I think I love him. What a FOOL., I feel like I'm kidding myself re. potential future.

Anyone reading about my situation for the first time would probably think this is all too much too soon. I am so very ready to have another baby. I yearn for it and I just want to get on with establishing an appropriate realationship within which to raise a child. I wouldn't even thisk of conceiving until I believed it was a stable and long term relationship. SO...I feel like time is running out.

What to do?

Right. I'm being a complete saddo tonight watching these threads, but I thought I'd let Anais have her say.

I bribed dp by letting have a pet snake (it says somewhere in the maze of posts below). But it wasn't really a bribe. It did provide him with a concrete example of how much I wanted a baby though - that was what i was thinking about really. Very few men seem to understand this underlying need that seeps through everything. I've read that their paternity instinct only sets in after they clap eyes on their firstborn (and I think that's true). Until then (and usually after as well) you need to try very hard to get them to understand exactly how important it is.

think I need more wine...

Best of luck, by the way.

Hi Bobbins

Hello darling

Oh, you're off! Bye Bobbins. Just wanted to say hello. Wish there was something I could suggest. Sounds so utterly awful. And so natural that you want another baby but also that he doesn't. Completely gutting.

dp is on the phone at present, to his father in Portugal. I wish I understood what the flip he was going on about.

Anyway,

I'm going todrink this wine and enjoy

ciao

Oh you're back again! Hello hello hello

You're not- this is getting v silly. Enjoy your wine, hon. Could you give dp an aging pill and alter his birth certificate by 10 yrs or so, d'you think?

But without affecting his gorgeous youthful charms, of course.

OOOH, if ONLY. The man is so much more mature than my e, but I feel like I am depriving him of his youth if I snatch him up now.

Anyway.

He is off the dog now, so I shall go and give him attention. It is very enjoyable being with him!

Lots of L

ex

dufus

Hi Bobbins
I was going to post to you in March, as I remember it was the first anniversary. Actually, I've been thinking about you and Harvey all February and wondering how you would cope with March.

Totally understand you wanting another baby, and I think it would be the best thing you could do. Baby 2 is going to be a part of Harvey. I say this because it just occured to me today, looking at them, that DS2 is part of Ds1. They are as much a part of each other as they are a part of me and DH, IYSWIM.

Not sure how you solve the partner problem. I can understand you not wanting to be a single mum - neither do I. On the other hand, reading about the trouble some of us have with our DH's ..................... (bollocks to the grammar thread..) why bother?
No, that was flippant. If you love him, and you sound as though you do, then go for it, IMO. Try and ask for his blessing a couple more times first though, perhaps?

Loads of love anyway,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bobbins, sounds difficult. Few thoughts reading this thread:

• Do you think part of wanting another baby could be a reaction to grief? I know that after my dad died I wanted to be pregnant immediately -it was about wanting to create life in the midst of death I think. I know this might not be the case for you but you've been bereaved 3 times relatively recently if you count the loss of your relationship.

• Yes, he is young but you haven't been together long. As you know, my dp is 26 (I'm 36) and he would have run several miles had I mentioned wanting children when we first met, 3 years ago. I already had ds (by ex DH) and that alone took some getting used to from his point of view as a young, single man. But now he's very keen on the idea and would love to be a father.

Re being a single parent. I was one briefly and it was damn hard. In your position I think I'd choose waiting over going for it now with someone who doesn't want to be a father. I know there are no guarantees, anyone can be married or with a partner and still* end up being a single parent but if you have a baby with this man when he doesn't want one then you're increasing your chances of single parenthood. But you know that

• You have got time. 32 isn't old in childbearing terms. I know you say there's downs in your family but couldn't you give it a bit longer? This relationship may turn out to be a serious one but in 6 months time you may have a better idea of whether it really is or not.

• I do sympathise. I remember reading about Harvey. But I think ideally you'd like to feel reasonably secure in your relationship wouldn't you before getting pregnant? In which case, hard as it is, you'll have to wait or decide he isn't worth it and kick him out.

I do know what you mean when you wonder about whether you're wasting your time and should move on pronto to someone who does want to be a father. But you could leave this man (who you think you might love) and still* not meet anyone who is right or wants parenthood immediately. You've invested six months so far (and since we're talking about him as a possible investment remember investments can go up as well as down ) so what have you got to lose by giving it another six months?

Anyway, I hope there's something in my ramblings that helps. My dp describes me as one of the most impatient people alive so I do understand why you want a decision NOW!! But good luck deciding.

darling sisters and esp. WWW

Of course this is a part of my grief.

I have just read this whole thread through with new dp. His response was:

"That's alright"

I know its risky, but I have a LOT of respect for him.

Bobbins, re grief, sorry, didn't mean to state the bleedin' obvious! Err, did he mean "that's alright" as in "ok, get pregnant" or as in "it's fine to talk to a load of cyber mums about it"? or none of the above?! I'm off to bed now but sleep well.

www> laugh really quite audibly
if only it were that easy to convince him> he meant..."that's ok, nerd mums talking on the modern intra- dirty- net."..That's OK

bobbins I would say wait. There is still plenty of time and you really need to be sure that it is right for both of you.

I had my first child just before my 34th birthday and she has down syndrome. I know for some people that is not okay but you know - she is the best. While we have some worry with her heart condition and so on - day to day she is a dream. There is so much reward in seeing her grow and develop and at the end of the day she is just a baby with the same basic needs as any other. I know there may be tough times ahead but I know that my wonderful dh and I can cope. We are even ( to a lot of other ppl's surprise) planning on having more children.

I can't imagine what you have been through in the last year suffice to say we could have lost our little one through her surgery and complications) and it was horrible.

I think you got it right in your last paragraph where you said you wanted to get on and establish an appropriate relationship. Give this guy time and yourself time. Time is definitely not running out!!