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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Facebook Fear

21 replies

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:01

I am happily married with a D age 4. Few weeks back I asked my sister to babysit and she normally asks me if her friend who is a longterm school friend and who I have known for quite sometime, can stay too. Normally I say no problem, however I was checking my hubbys e-mail at work and this girl had sent him a friends request via Facebook. I didn't get one and havent had one still. When she came round to babysit with my sister, I made a joke about it and told my other half who thought it was funny. She denies any wrongdoing and said she couldn,t find me on facebook, but I am on my sisters page as is she. She couldn't have really looked very hard. I feel threatend a bit. That same night we came back early from out night out (10th wedding aniversary for us) and had a few drinks with them my hubby although he was drunk flirted with her. Bit confused. He is always home on time and is loving and attentive doesnt go out on his own and is model husband most of the time. Just this has put me on edge. He is 38 and she is 20 I am 30 just.

OP posts:

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:03

i wouldn't worry about it.
just keep your eye on it and try to keep your distance a bit.

scaryfucker · 17/10/2008 21:03

what exactly is the problem here ?

I just don't get it

Spero · 17/10/2008 21:07

Why do you check your husband's email? Does he know? If he knows, then there can't possibly be anything going on or he'd be using an email account you can't access, presumably.

Original poster

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:07

Well I am a bit suspicious as to her intentions and if I ask my sister to babysit again then she will almost certainly ask if friend can stay too but I am not comfortable with her anymore. She is still on his facebook page as he accepted the request and she is more stunning than me and a good 10 years younger

OP posts:

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:08

no no no.
just stop thinking about it.

Original poster

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:08

The e-mail account he knows i can access and no at the moment I don't think there is anything going on but what is to say it might not provoke something

OP posts:

Spero · 17/10/2008 21:09

People almost always accept friend requests, it means nothing. It seems rude not to and most people just want to notch up as many as poss.

If you think your husband would be tempted to stray just because she's 20 and good looking then isn't he a bit of a nob anyway??

Original poster

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:11

The nob thing, I will let you know if it things happens however it doesn't help my insecurities right now. I do worry about these things cant help it, I love him so much.

OP posts:

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:12

listen,
you can't go through life avoiding everyone who you view a potential threat.

if he is the kind of bloke to sleep with someone because she added him as a friend on fb then be rid of him.

try to get some perspective here, nothing has happened. if he is a good dh then give him some credit, he loves you, you have a lo together. not all men are cheats.

end of.

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:14

also, don't allow your insecurities to cloud your thoughts about your partner.

Spero · 17/10/2008 21:15

I can't help thinking it must be rather galling for him to realise (as he must if he knows you check his email) that you have so little trust??

Has he ever given you a reason to be so insecure?

Original poster

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:19

no, life is perfect and i guess i get scared I think she does fancy him, we went out me, sis, her and some of sis friends and I remember her telling me how lucky I was as he was gorgeous and I was lucky. I didn't think anything of it and was stunned to see this request from her. No body was more shocked than me, seriously. I have noticed that if she is at my mums house with sis that she tried to get his attention.

OP posts:

Original poster

lighthouse · 17/10/2008 21:20

feels sh....t to feel like this, but cant help it

OP posts:

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:23

ok, say to dh that you feel wary of this girl, in a non-confrontational way to him.
explain why, do not make him feel like it's in any way his fault and then ask him if he can keep his distance from her as it is making you feel blue.

best to be up front and honest as otherwise you are likely to end up having a go at him for talking to her.

Spero · 17/10/2008 21:23

Sounds as if she does fancy him, but seriously what kind of an evil cow would she be to try to make a move?? you've known her osme time, she is a friend of your sister??

do you have the kind of relationship with your sister where you could talk to her? Maybe get her help to take the stress off the situation for you?? In that you might feel better if you know your sister has her eye out for you.

I just have a horrible feeling that in these types of situations it can turn into a self fulfilling prophecy, i.e. you stress about it, husband feels you don't trust him and so he might as well start flirting so that you really do have something to blame him for.

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:24

also, he is married to YOU! not her!
it doesn't matter if he flirted with her once when he was drunk.

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:25

yes yes spero.
my thoughts exactly.

Spero · 17/10/2008 21:25

You can help how you feel, feelings are NOT reality, you mustn't dwell on it and worry unnecessarily.

DevilsAdvocaat · 17/10/2008 21:29

here's how to deal with those feelings.
get a piece of paper...

your thought is that your husband might fancy her/cheat with her or whatever.

now write down all the things that you know that argue against this thought e.g. dh loves you, he's never cheated before etc

also write down about how your low self esteem effects how you judge things.

try to get a clear picture of what is real and what is just a thought in your head.

SylvieSprings · 17/10/2008 23:26

From your own admission, you are happily married with a lovely 4 year old daughter. You felt threatened by a 20 year old girl who is 18 years younger than your husband.

Do you think your husband would willingly give up his happy family for someone so much younger? Though not quite a paedophile, he would be old enough to be her uncle!

Please don't lose sleep over the stalker book. I would not flatter the 20 year old girl or your husband with any negative attention.

Rather, take the time out, go away for a weekend. Pamper yourself with a spa. Give your self-esteem a lovely boost.

2rebecca · 18/10/2008 09:27

It sounds as though your worries are probably OTT. However your worries are affecting your relationship so I agree with those who say talk to him about it. Say you think he's gorgeous and think she fancies him and am concerned because she's young and attractive. See what he says. I'd probably discuss not seeing her for a while, and telling your sister you'd prefer it if her friend doesn't help babysit.
He sounds a bit old to be playing of facebook anyway, it's probably less hassle for him to not go on facebook for a while rather than delete her as a friend, although he may agree to do the latter and tell her if asked he deleted loads of people by mistake.
I think flirty email correspondances can damage marriages. If my husband asked me to delete any of my folk because he was jealous I'd do it, not that I have many facebook friends because I'm too old to be bothered with it and mainly use it to talk to my family although the phone is much better. I see it as a thing for young single people.
Discuss it and bring the issue out into the open, then find a way of avoiding her for a while.

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