How do you - if indeed you ever do reconcile your feelings towards OW, X & DC?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

OW is a person whom XH was with before we split up (it came to light some moths after we split but he'd been seeing her for a while) she is in essence (althou not the only reason granted, but she is a big factor in why he left.
XH & I have always maintained we wanted to meet the respective partners, and both want to see how they interact with DS. but my feelings somewhat have changed for this.

XH initially started trying to be controlling and intimidating about the issues.

The longer this is going on (as in me thinking about things) the more i'm starting to think, I can't handle watching her (the woman who split the family unit up) walking off with MY (ok ours but you know what I mean) my DS, to play happy families with him. angry

i'm actually quite upset about it, as for her/XH - I don't care, but I can't stand the thought of her/them playing happy families with my son.

I'm with someone new, who's lovely, he's said he has no interest in meeting XH but XH is quite insistent, DP says he will, but only for me, and if XH shows me some respect. (not likely - why change the habit of 8 years! lol)

anyhow, there's also the angle of, neither XH or I have any rights over who the other goes out with, nor do we have any rights on the partners who is involved with DS's life - althou we've both said would only introduce if it was serious. (DP has met DS once for an hour to play football in the park - but he's forgotten as soon as he met him iycwim) DP & I are relatively serious anyhow.

I'm not too sure what i'm asking really. as long as DS is happy I am, it's gonna be hard enough listening to him telling me how great she is

When I read your thread Spandex I thought someone had just written my story without me knowing!

XH did exactly the same to me and sounds just like your XH. I am now struggling with coming to terms with OW.

In my head, after he left and before I found out OW had been there all along - I thought I would except my ds's would have to meet whoever he started seeing - with some ground rules and vice versus.

However, xh was exceptionally cruel after he left, plus ow turned up on xh holiday with my ds's without me knowing. Since then it has been a battle ground.

He has been told - because of what he did and because she is the OW/scrubber she cannot meet them.

He has agreed.

I am not proud of the way things have happened - and I am aware that this is not long term but my emotions took over.

This happened because I found out about his lies when ow turned up on their holiday. I was far away and v.angry at not only finding out he had lied all along but also that he had introduced ow without my knowledge.

I know it is far better for both parties to get on - but sometimes circumstances take over. It will take all your strength (and mine) to allow that ow anywhere near your ds. But don't forget she is not replacing you. You can never be replaced

I'm with Anna on this one - have spoken to my exH partner, but have not met - and have no interest in doing so. She was keen to do this, but I think in our case it was best not (she was the OW). Better kindly silence than antagnosm - and why should I?? Appreciate views on this vary - horses for courses really.

Yes, I did think that as I posted . So that's tons we have in common after all. Dh, dsd and willing to work together. Other than that her mum and I are worlds apart.

You are like a bloody dog with a bone Anna, do you know that? .

It would be a total waste of my time to do anything to approach DP's exW. We really are a zillion miles apart in our priorities in life. And actually that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to my mind is that everyone is happy with the situation - and they are.

Thank you Stewie. We've certainly come a long way and it is good now. I will always remember dsd's face the night we went for pizza and she had all the people she loved the most sat round a table enjoying themselves. It was the first time I could imagine being at her wedding.

Surfermum - well there's another shared value - believing in the importance of celebrating a child.

My DSSs' mother can quite easily let their birthdays slip her mind entirely - to the extent that she has invited friends of her own over for dinner on their birthday night.

lol. norman, to my knowledge he hasn't introduced her, he's now in Europe so not likely to happen over night. he's taking DS up to his mums for a week on monday - he and she know full well I would go ballistic if she was also there when DS was for the week -not because of the situation but because i'm trying to be cautious with DP meeting DS - to go from nothing to a week is well tbh frankly unfair on DS. then again I don't think MIL would run the risk of me finding out & not letting DS go up there again - she's trying her best to keep me onside with comments such as you're still our DIL - erm well i'm not actually)

honey - I think the silence is the way forward for now.

tbh I don't see what OW & I have in common apart form a pathetic XH of mine - which i've today concluded the reason he doens't want kids again is prob cos he's too selfish and didn't/doesn't like attention coming away from him/not being able to control everyhting that happens down to the last detail - guess he can now huh with a young girl who has tbh no other real focuses - ie kids or a family who are quite in your face??

Anna you could read all the posts I've ever written and come up with a million things that dsd's mum and I have in common. Even so, having a blended family will only work if the parties involved want it to.

I think another helpful positive thought is that it's good for DC to have extra adults in their lives who like them and care about them. If you have children with an XP your relationship has to shift to co-parent, not XP, and therefore any new partner of your XP has to be looked on as a sort of relative ie you don't have to like the person but it is just so much better all round (for you too) if you can deal with them the same way you deal with a DP's daft sister/cousin/annoying brother, whatever.

that's true solidG yes - never thought of that - there's some family members whom I'm like that with - I guess i'll have to come over very XXX (my maiden name) - very stiff and typically British if you understand me?

it would be heart breaking for me thou, to think that DS could talk to OW about things which he couldn't nes talk to me about - althou I guess the same could be said of XH & DP.

(when DS is older I mean and has his whole boy/man things going on)

still I guess at least he would be talking to someone - right?

Spandex: thing is, for nearly all DC it's pretty much essential to have someone who is Not Mummy/Daddy to talk to in adolescence. It's no reflection on your (anyone's) parenting. Sometimes it might be a step-parent though TBH it is more likely to be auntie, uncle, cousin or family friend ie someone known and liked and trusted but not immediate family.

I don't think the fact that you don't want kids from every relationship you are in means you are selfish. Current husband and I don't have kids together. We both have kids from previous marriages and love those kids very much but feel we've done the having kids bit of our lives. Now we just want to look after the kids we've got, not go on for ever having more.
I wouldn't have had more kids if I'd stayed with my first husband so why should I just because I've remarried?
You shouldn't need kids together to validate your relationship.

it's not as simple as that becca. He doesn't want more children as when we had DS the focus and attention went from him to a DC - he was quite jelouse of DS at times and resented him being around. which tbh is quite selfish (as DS was planned) but I agree he doesn't have to have any more to validate his relationship, and it is his choice.

SolidG - yes I understand what you mean.