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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do you - if indeed you ever do reconcile your feelings towards OW, X & DC?

115 replies

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 16/10/2008 18:46

OW is a person whom XH was with before we split up (it came to light some moths after we split but he'd been seeing her for a while) she is in essence (althou not the only reason granted, but she is a big factor in why he left.
XH & I have always maintained we wanted to meet the respective partners, and both want to see how they interact with DS. but my feelings somewhat have changed for this.

XH initially started trying to be controlling and intimidating about the issues.

The longer this is going on (as in me thinking about things) the more i'm starting to think, I can't handle watching her (the woman who split the family unit up) walking off with MY (ok ours but you know what I mean) my DS, to play happy families with him. angry

i'm actually quite upset about it, as for her/XH - I don't care, but I can't stand the thought of her/them playing happy families with my son.

I'm with someone new, who's lovely, he's said he has no interest in meeting XH but XH is quite insistent, DP says he will, but only for me, and if XH shows me some respect. (not likely - why change the habit of 8 years! lol)

anyhow, there's also the angle of, neither XH or I have any rights over who the other goes out with, nor do we have any rights on the partners who is involved with DS's life - althou we've both said would only introduce if it was serious. (DP has met DS once for an hour to play football in the park - but he's forgotten as soon as he met him iycwim) DP & I are relatively serious anyhow.

I'm not too sure what i'm asking really. as long as DS is happy I am, it's gonna be hard enough listening to him telling me how great she is

OP posts:

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CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 10:29

Anna, you don't think that your stepchildren might infer hostility from the fact that you never see their mother?

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 10:44

Absolutely not - their mother doesn't want or need to see me, and vice versa. Our lives don't meet. I think (in fact I am sure) that my rather astute elder DSS would find it plain weird that we should meet, other than in unavoidable circumstances (like his Bar Mitzvah).

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 11:04

interesting anna - do you talk to her on the phone at all - if your OH is unavailable etc?

that's what i'm starting to think might be a better way forward in the short term.

althou CD - I do understand your points as well. it's a tricky one to try and work around.

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:08

No, I have never talked to her on the telephone - what would we have to say to one another? She can always reach DP, DSS1 and DSS2 on their mobiles if she needs them.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 11:09

how old were the DSC when you became involved?

(just thinking it might be more practical if they're older but DS is 2.5 so not sure it will be)

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:10

It all sounds very compartmentalised and controlled!

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:11

When we all started living together regularly, the boys were 7 and 10. But I cannot really see what on earth I would ever have needed to discuss with the boys' mother - that is for DP to do, as their father.

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:13

It is very organised - it has to be, as everyone's schedule/agenda is very complicated indeed.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 11:14

fair point.

CD - I think tbh the only way i'm going to be able to do this is to compartmentalise my emotions for the minute.

maybe given time things will improve, I guess we'll need to meet at some point thou - then again better to do it now and get it out the way or wait a few years down the tracks?

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:19

Did your affair with your now dp assist in splitting their marriage up? (obv you don't have to answer that!)

is it more that she doesn't want to see you?

I am just intrigued at how such a cold arrangement manages to be maintained

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:20

(what I mean is that there must be animosity from one side to make it such a big deal)

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:22

No and no - neither she nor I have any inclination to meet/talk whatsoever. Actually, it's a non-subject in that it just didn't arise - we weren't ever avoiding one another, there was just no occasion at all - until DSS1's Bar Mitzvah. I did feel a bit wobbly about it before hand, but it was a non-event. We shook hands once and that was it - we were far too busy with all the guests and the party.

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:23

You are reading "animosity" and "big deal" into a "non-event" - it's a bit like saying "Why are you avoiding going to see the Pope?"

Umm - who is the Pope to me?

TheFallenMadonna · 17/10/2008 11:25

Ah now Anna you're being disingenuous. You loathe her. You've posted about her before.

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:25

Fair enough
I just couldn't forsee a situation where my dh's new partner was nothing to me

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:27

I loathe the way she mucks other people around. But that has nothing to do with seeing her - it doesn't influence it either way. I am not going to discuss things to do with the children (which is the only possible subject) directly with her because that is my DP's job as a father.

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:27

oh you loathe her?
Well that is diff.

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:29

My DP doesn't ever see her new partner - it's totally symmetrical - he would be horrified/stunned if exW's new partner rang him up to talk about something...

TheFallenMadonna · 17/10/2008 11:30

When my mum and her new partner got together, he had to put in a second phone line so that his ex-wife and daughter could use that rather than run the risk of talking to my mum. His daughter was 30. I thought it all very odd.

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:31

I guess my situation was pretty unusual
But that sounds hideous to me
Surely you are all an extended family

We all holidayed together
Always at each other's houses etc

In fact my father moved in with my mother and stepfather for 6 months while a new house he had bought was being done up

My mother and father (he is now divorced again, she is widowed) now live next door to each other. They are a huge support to each other.

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:32

Well these days everyone has mobiles so that situation doesn't arise - you just ring the person you want to talk to directly on their own line.

I still think it is very odd to think that somehow exPartners have to meet and greet and talk to new ones. What about? Please tell me

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:33

We all have far too much money to need to live one another

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CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:33

Well you do have a lot in common do you not?

Both married to the same man

You hang out with her son

etc

Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 11:34

And no, we are not an extended family. That is precisely what you stop being when you divorce (the law is very clear on this in France).

CountessDracula · 17/10/2008 11:34

pmsl
I assure you my father didn't need to live with them
It was a choice (and very convenient)
They offered
Why on earth would he not?

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