How do you - if indeed you ever do reconcile your feelings towards OW, X & DC?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

OW is a person whom XH was with before we split up (it came to light some moths after we split but he'd been seeing her for a while) she is in essence (althou not the only reason granted, but she is a big factor in why he left.
XH & I have always maintained we wanted to meet the respective partners, and both want to see how they interact with DS. but my feelings somewhat have changed for this.

XH initially started trying to be controlling and intimidating about the issues.

The longer this is going on (as in me thinking about things) the more i'm starting to think, I can't handle watching her (the woman who split the family unit up) walking off with MY (ok ours but you know what I mean) my DS, to play happy families with him. angry

i'm actually quite upset about it, as for her/XH - I don't care, but I can't stand the thought of her/them playing happy families with my son.

I'm with someone new, who's lovely, he's said he has no interest in meeting XH but XH is quite insistent, DP says he will, but only for me, and if XH shows me some respect. (not likely - why change the habit of 8 years! lol)

anyhow, there's also the angle of, neither XH or I have any rights over who the other goes out with, nor do we have any rights on the partners who is involved with DS's life - althou we've both said would only introduce if it was serious. (DP has met DS once for an hour to play football in the park - but he's forgotten as soon as he met him iycwim) DP & I are relatively serious anyhow.

I'm not too sure what i'm asking really. as long as DS is happy I am, it's gonna be hard enough listening to him telling me how great she is

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

surfermum - it would be nice to think ours could eventually be like yours/ CD'd - but right now I don't think we're going to be able to do it.

[Swedes]

Anna8888 If I'm honest both those things.

[Anna8888]

LOL at Le Dieu du Carnage - that is exW's life but not our life (like I say, the two don't meet )

[Anna8888]

Swedes - better both those things than only the cultural expectations

[CountessDracula]

I appreciate that my set-up not for everyone

All I can say is I have seen teh fallout when it isn't and it ain't pretty. The children I knew whose parents didn't communicate or were at war have not all grown up into particularly happy people and seem to have problems with relationships a lot more than those who have the extended family set-up

Plus they are resentful towards their families for the way they are/were in many cases

However that is a small sample

[Anna8888]

The "extended family setup" can only happen if both new couples lead relatively similar lives with similar values.

Since in my DP's case he very clearly wanted out of his first marriage to distance himself from certain habits and values (having first tried and failed to convince exW to also change her modus vivendi), it is of course quite impossible to co-exist. But that doesn't mean animosity - just a clear dividing line down the middle that actually prevents a lot of tension.

[Swedes]

Anna8888 How unpleasant for him. I didn't know dogging had reached Neuilly-sur-Seine.

[Surfermum]

I don't agree Anna. Dsd's mum's life and some of her values are vastly different to ours. We are like chalk and cheese in both our view of things and our upbringings. But there is absolutely no reason though why we can't all get on and be supportive of each other and be a blended family. Why does being different make a difference? What's important is that everyone involved is willing to make it work.

[CountessDracula]

It does rather work on the premise that the best way to deal with things is to bury your emotions and appear swan-like on the outside
(and do you best to convince yourself that you are on the inside too!)

[Anna8888]

Then I suspect that the differences aren't as marked as all that .

[cutekids]

so sorry to be rude,but what does OW stand for?

[Anna8888]

DP's exW is a "bury your emotions" sort of person (more of an ice-princess than a swan ). Our family is a wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve type where we talk about feelings freely.

[Surfermum]

You're suspicions are totally wrong Anna and I'm not even going to bother expanding on that. You can believe me, you can choose not to.

Her mum and I don't need a dividing line between us. There's no tension. We just accept that her way is different.

[Surfermum]

Spandex, give it time. It took dh's x 10 years to get to the stage we're at. Don't give yourself a hard time because you're having these feelings. They're perfectly understandble.

[Anna8888]

Yes, but you obviously have some common ground - since you are able to talk to one another.

Like I have said on this thread, I wouldn't know where to begin with DP's exW (nor does he, btw). We just don't have common ground.

[Surfermum]

Dsd is our common ground.

She had a relationship with my dh is common ground.

Other than that .... I'm struggling to find any.

But it doesn't mean we can't find something talk to each other about. The weather, how she is feeling, I ask about her family, her boyfriends, her other children. I'm just friendly and interested like I would be if I met someone for the first time at the school gates.

[Anna8888]

That sounds quite a lot of common ground if you ask me .

I and my DP are just not interested in the market for car parts, in personal trainers or which Synagogue it is most socially advantageous to attend. And she is just not interested in her children's education, how anybody feels (feelings are not a subject for public -possibly even private - consumption) etc.

[Surfermum]

It's the same common ground as you have wiht your step-childrens' mum Anna .

[Anna8888]

No surfermum - that is precisely the point. Her children, or anyone's feelings, are not a subject for discussion or of any interest. You might find that hard to comprehend (I admit it took me several years to get my head around) but that is how it is.

[CountessDracula]

The mind boggles at how car parts fit in here

Is she a social climbing manicured grease monkey?

[Swedes]

I think Anna8888's DP is a mechanic so him and his exW probably met at a mend your own Renault Espace evening class. Perhaps they borrowed one another's Haynes manual or something.

[CountessDracula]

ah, bien sur

[Anna8888]

ExW works in car parts and finds them very interesting, according to the DSSs...

[Surfermum]

I think maybe we are talking at crossed purposes, Anna. You said that an extended family can only happen if both new couples lead relatively similar lives with similar values.

I disagree - I don't believe it has anything to do with whether you have common values or interests. And I think we are a prime example of two families who are poles apart but have supported each other and come together when the need arises.

You've been trying since to tell me how much dsd's mum and I have in common - when all we have in common is exactly the same as you and your dh's x.

I don't believe making a blended family work is anything to do with having having things in common, it's about a willingness to work together. But it sounds like even if you were willing to talk about car parts and your stepchildren, she wouldn't meet you halfway, so it's never going to work for you.

[Anna8888]

I would have called a "willingness to work together" a "shared value"...