what to do about estranged PIL's when dd's birthday arrives?

[umberella]

In a nutshell - they have been divorced for 32 years and there is no relationship at all between them, even for the sake of their dc.

Our dd will be one soon and already DP and I are arguing about it. I feel she should be able to have her party, everyone should be invited and they should behave like grown-ups. DD may not remember this birthday, but it sets a precedent for years to come and I feel quite strongly that she shouldn't have to be stuck in the middle of this, and should be able to have a relationship with both of them without feeling as though she has to choose between them.

DP has very obviously been made to feel like this his whole life.

Would I be naive/unreasonable to think that DD doesn't have to absorb their age old feud and that we shouldn't be pussy-footing around it either?

What does your dp want to then? Have 2 separate parties, just invite one of them or not have aparty at all?
I think you should just invite both of them and it's up to them to decide if they don't want to come.

He would probably prefer not to invite one of them which i feel is very sad. They both love dd very much and it is such a shame to tarnish her relationship with one of them because of the other.

my mum and dad absolutely would not be in the same room together, ever. it is completely childish and frustrating. what tends to happen here is a sort of informal rota where one will come to a birthday, one to christmas or similar. it is probably inescapable thaat it will continue into your childs life, and will be a pain in the neck. i tried the ' well you must all behave like adults and i am going to invite everyone and let you sort it out yourselves' but chaos ensued. i feel for your dh - no amount of 'but its ridiculous' on your part will change stuff if our family is anything to go by! i would ask your dp what he wants to do and go with it - he will no doubt be most used to charting this minefield.

I have a similar situation with DH's family. They get invited alternately (but not obviously IYSWIM) to things (but one parent comes less often than the other as lives further away).

The only times they bith come together has been Weddings and Christenings.

we have the same with my parents, i try to invite them both and leave it as their problem but they end up asking me what time is x going to be there and i end up organising times and its so annoying as i've had it all my life and now dd is getting it too.
i don't know what the answer is sorry

urgh, no way to just get on with it then you reckon? i am sorry for dp and sorry for dd, having to negociate this situation. perhaps i will suggest one for b-day, one for christmas. they are fairly close together. my family are still together and this is a real eye-opener for me.

ilovetochat -does 'timing' their visits work? does it feel very awkward for the other guests in your experience or do you find it okay? do your kids never ask about why their GP's are never in the same room?

I think you should just go a head and invite both. Then it will be their choice what to do, if one chooses not to go nobody can claim that it is your fault. It will give them the choice whether to act like adults or not.

32 years is a long time, surely they should be over thenmselves by now.

My parents were the same, I spent my whole childhood negotiating with and caring for them in this regard. Not a great way to grow up.

For my wedding I invited both. When one asked if the other was coming, I said Yep! When they started to ask details I said, I don't know, I'm sure they'll dress like/ arrive at time of / whathave you like... everyone else! I just refused to get pulled in.

I think you're right to want to avoid a precedent. I rrrreally empathize with your husband, tho.

my thoughts exactly coco. dp thinks i am being totally naive though!

he has had to deal with this his whole life -his dm visibly huffs if he mentions his df in a positive sense, and rewards him when he criticises him. it's very unhealthy imo, a good relationship with her depends on him demonstrating allegiance. in her world it seems you are either on one side of the fence or the other - not possible to have a foot on either side!

i'm just desperate to spare dd from this, it is really awful.

we did discuss how we ought to handle this before dd was born, and reached the conclusion that her life shouldn't be arranged around them, but our theory is about to be tested and it ain't looking good! I want it sorted out so that birthdays and christmas can be a relaxed, happy time for us all, not a massive stress about treading on toes and negociating old resentments .

Probably has to be you who does the inviting and not your poor dh.

Be cheery - feign ignorance - express surprise: "Really? Well we'll leave it up to you but we'd love to see you, especially dd."

Children are very good at bringing ppl together; I believe my brother and I, when small, were used by my mother to bring about a rapprochement between my grandfather and his dd who'd married unsuitably. Agree with you about refusing to pander to it after 30 odd years.