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Relationships

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Original poster

do you think there are women out there that deliberately go after married men?

65 replies

wannaBe · 11/10/2008 15:08

There is a woman in dh' office who had an affair with a married man (you might remember a thread from a while back about woman still living at home shagging married man). Anyway, the affair was discovered, the fallout was apparently big enough that it meant he had to leave the company in order to save his marriage.

But dh was recently talking about another colleague of his and about how this woman (the one that shagged the guy above) is always coming round to sit on his desk/how they're always having lunch together/how she calls him from the other side of the office etc etc. This guy is also married, and has two children. So I asked dh if this colleague of his had shagged this woman and he said "I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised."

Now, I can see how someone might get drawn into an affair with a married man (we are all human after all). But surely once you'd done it once, and been part of the inevitable fallout/hurt that it caused, surely no-one would go there again with yet another married man?

OP posts:

FleurLeChaunte · 11/10/2008 20:18

I am sure there are but I think there are more who couldn't give two hoots when they find out, even when it is still early days for them and they are not yet emotionally involved.

I think they one who is married or committed elsewhere is the biggest a*se but the woman who does not back off immediately she finds out is just as bad.

midnightexpress · 11/10/2008 20:22

I think NQC is probably right - I think it's often more to do with unattainability than 'predatory female'. I know someone who has had affairs with at lest two married men (both with children) and in her case it's definitely more the former than the latter. And also a degree of self-absorption that doesn't seem to really register the damage that is being inflicted on the rest of the family - it's probably quite easy to ignore that when you imagine that this is some sort of Grand Passion.

ActingNormal · 11/10/2008 21:31

Definately, I think I know one. Most of her 'relationships' before her DH were with married men and she feels no guilt about this. She says she did nothing wrong because she wasn't the one who was married, but when asked how she would feel about the OW if her DH cheated she sees it differently. She described how one man left his wife and moved in with her, and his wife slit her wrists on their doorstep. She almost sounded like she was amused by it! She certainly had no empathy for the woman.

She caused trouble in another man's marriage by using her 'feminine wiles' on him to get him to want her even though she didn't want him and then tried to get attention for his sexual harrassment of her. She caused trouble in my relationship also. She has admitted that she doesn't trust women. She doesn't even seem to like women much (certainly talks with venom about any of my friends who she has met), but usually likes their DHs. With her I definately think it is about her trying to feel that she is better than the other woman. I wonder if at some point she was made to feel humiliated by a female and this has really screwed her up. I wish I knew.

trumpetgirl · 11/10/2008 21:58

I have to say that I tend to be more attracted to married men/ men in long term relationships, but only because they appear to have that happiness that I so desperately want.
I once had a fling with a married man (I was 17, and very flattered ) but I lost all respect for him afterwards as I found out he was a serial cheater and couldn't really care less about me

DaddyJ · 11/10/2008 22:14

I imagine they exist but it's a rare, almost a fetish.
There was an article in one of the missus's mags about 3 such women
and it was presented as a freakish hobby:
'Look at me, I only sleep with married men.'

In general, yes, I think it's fairly well established
that the moment a man enters a relationship (not necessarily marriage)
he becomes more attractive to other women.

Whether he or the OW will do anything about it
really depends on character and circumstances.

TinkerBellesMum · 11/10/2008 22:35

I think there's a reasoning that married men are more attractive because they obviously have the marrying qualities (lost my choo choo there a little). I think men like it because it proves they've still got "it". I also think that there is bit of a safety net in married men, which is totally opposite to my first statement, that a married man won't ask too much of a woman.

I've been with a married man for 4 years Would be married to him if his wife would divorce him but she won't, even though she has a new partner herself with two kids by him. Personally I think she is using my OH as a safety net because she lives with her mother, he had problems getting her to move out in the first place to marry him and whilst she's still married she can't marry the new man and be forced to move out of her mothers house.

I've had to laugh over the time we've been together the amount of people who've told me he won't leave her for me, no he won't, he did that long before we met. I've even had an anonymous email from someone telling me how terrible I am and should be ashamed of myself

Sorry, I've rambled

Lauriefairycake · 11/10/2008 22:50

where do you live tinkerbellesmum? cos in Britain he could divorce her after 2 years apart and she would not be able to contest it.

sorry that you can't get that

TinkerBellesMum · 11/10/2008 22:58

It's more complicated than that. After two years you can get a divorce on the grounds of separation, but it has to be signed. After five years if it's not signed then you apply to the courts to have it served and if it's still not signed then you can get a judge to sign it.

We've been waiting for the five year mark but then she said she's put one in so we're waiting for that, our friend who's a legal secretary said to contact the court and ask if it's been filled and if not she will do it for him through her company - as it's straight forward she can.

MeMySonAndI · 12/10/2008 00:34

Tinkerbell... you need to get yourself good advice, if one of you has moved on and is now in a estable relationship that's enough to assume the marriage has irretrivably broken down and for the divorce to have grounds.

Your partner could petition for divorce as soon as he wishes, and considering you are in his life it will be quite straight forward.

Most people don't wait the 2 years for separation, you can divorce for unreasonable behaviour in far less than that (and unreasonable behaviour cover many many things... even nagging). If some other persons are involved, you can do it straight away (as adultery).

MeMySonAndI · 12/10/2008 00:35

BTw, if she had filled for divorce your partner would have get a notice in less than 10 working days.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 01:10

She's always refused to do it, I don't know why. Now that he's passed 5 years and she's got no say in it he's going to go for it. We held on because she called him ages ago to check on details for giving to her solicitor but we've not heard anything. He's been told today to check if it's filed and if not to go for it.

All this hanging around has meant that he has PR for her two new children as the husband even though the father is on the birth certificate (Mum's prosecuted men in that position for truancy and had to get men to sign to release a child they didn't even know existed to go for adoption). We tried to tell her but she said they're "separated" like it's some legal status [eye-roll] so doesn't matter.

Then there's the fact that he hasn't sorted out contact or maintenance because he wants to get the divorce sorted first so is paying her the three child rate, same amount as he's been paying her for years and he's had some hefty pay rises recently.

LOL what a complicated mess we're living!

Sorry, this has become bit of a hijack!

MeMySonAndI · 12/10/2008 01:37

To be honest, I don't think she could have successfully contested a divorce even if she had tried. MOre so after so many years...

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 01:43

He's still a little under the thumb me thinks, I've had to keep him from going along with whatever she wants quite a bit in the time we've been together. I think that because it was so close to five years that they (him and his solicitor) decided to wait. I think part of it is that without formal arrangements there is a worry her tantrums (all together now [sings] "She's a little Princess") will extend to making contact difficult.

UnquietDad · 12/10/2008 10:46

I don't think it's that hard for women to find a man in his 30s with no attachments. I had plenty of friends who were single up to their mid-30s. Maybe the problem is that they want the "best" ones, and all the "best" ones are taken...

HappyWoman · 12/10/2008 13:27

Tinkerbellsmm - he could have got a divorce and certaninly should have got a seperation order stating the contact/finacial aggrement anyway - you do not have to get divorce sorted first - surely getting children sorted should be priority.

He obviously does not want divorce and she of course would not - she can now get a bigger share of his pension ect..

Anna8888 · 12/10/2008 13:35

Yes. The marriage market is just that, a market. Lots of women see good husband material in married men.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 13:47

I was with him at the solicitors, I can't remember the full reasoning behind everything. I think when we thought it would happen quickly (before she started getting difficult) that it would be quicker to wait. He does want to divorce her, I think he's just worried about what she'll do TBH. He's gained more strength over the years he's been with me, but she still has some control being the mother to his children.

MarshaBrady · 12/10/2008 14:00

Yes.
It is becoming more common among people I know now am mid-30s.
Men who are married, have money, established careers and older can be very attractive to single 30 year old women.

The taking him from his older wife can be all part of the challenge and an ego boost.

Of course it works both ways the man is seduced by a younger woman and good for his ego too.

zookeeper · 12/10/2008 14:05

TBM, your dp does not have PR for his ex's new dcs

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 14:38

It's a complicated issue, but it's not just come from one place and I can find lots of examples of where it has come up.

Anyway, I didn't want to turn it into a thread hi-jack.

I think there has been a change in recent years, 10 or so years ago you would wonder why anyone in their 30s were unmarried, now it's getting more common for people to wait till they're in their 30s to get married. I don't think attitudes have caught up, there are decent singles in their 30s now.

fizziwig · 12/10/2008 14:58

Yes i am divorcing my husband for having an affair and she knew about me and my son and both did not care how they were hurting.
He nows has the nerve to say that our marriage was fine and it was me who just upped and left.

fizziwig · 12/10/2008 14:59

solidgoldskullonastick · 12/10/2008 22:18

UQD: yes, there are always plenty of men over 30 who would love to get married. And if some kind soul were to take them in hand and teach them a) how to leave the house without egg stains on their clothes b) that their huge collection of star wars/star treck is very nice but doesn;t actually merit an entire room to itself and potential shags don't want to have to kiss it all goodnight as part of foreplay and c) where the clitoris is... then there would be EVEN MORE UNHAPPINESS in the world. Because really, being single is so much nicer than being desperate to have a partner.

georgimama · 12/10/2008 22:39

Actually Anna, once someone is married I think they are off the market.

There is no god husband material in someone who is prepared to fuck the current model over to get the latest upgrade. No ta.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 22:48

Love it solidgoldskullonastick though have to wonder if you've met some of our friends

georgimama I agree with you but I think people miss that bit either because it naively doesn't occur to them or because they think he's just with the wrong woman.

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