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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

do you think there are women out there that deliberately go after married men?

65 replies

wannaBe · 11/10/2008 15:08

There is a woman in dh' office who had an affair with a married man (you might remember a thread from a while back about woman still living at home shagging married man). Anyway, the affair was discovered, the fallout was apparently big enough that it meant he had to leave the company in order to save his marriage.

But dh was recently talking about another colleague of his and about how this woman (the one that shagged the guy above) is always coming round to sit on his desk/how they're always having lunch together/how she calls him from the other side of the office etc etc. This guy is also married, and has two children. So I asked dh if this colleague of his had shagged this woman and he said "I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised."

Now, I can see how someone might get drawn into an affair with a married man (we are all human after all). But surely once you'd done it once, and been part of the inevitable fallout/hurt that it caused, surely no-one would go there again with yet another married man?

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MrsMattie · 13/10/2008 10:07

I don't think there are many women who actively pursue married men as a hobby. If they exist, they are surely very messed up, damaged individuals?

HappyWoman · 13/10/2008 10:05

If a man is married - we all know that at some point in his past he has stood up and made vows (he may now believe he was wrong to do so).
Why cant we as a society respect that - and instead of saying 'he made the vows not the ow'.
If someone has a religious believe we dont disrepect them just because we dont believe the same. (well some people do, but generally we like to think we are more understanding).
Marriage is hard work and we should try to support that not seek to destroy it for selfish pleasure in the name of love.

Also think that in an affair the man says he is not happy to make himself seem better and the ow believes it so she wont feel guilty.

UnquietDad · 13/10/2008 10:01

I was just pointing out that "waaaah, there are no single men in their 30s left" actually means "waaaah, there are no single men in their 30s left who look like Richard Armitage and are as rich as Bill Gates."

trumpetgirl · 13/10/2008 09:52

I don't think you can justify crap behaviour because you're 'in love' or whatever. But if I was with someone and they wanted to split up with me because they thought they would be happier with someone else, I wouldn't begrudge them that.
I personally wouldn't go after someone in a relationship now as I would never be able to trust them if I did manage to steal them off their wife/ partner. How could I trust someone who had such flimsy morals that they are prepared to drop their wife/ partner at the drop of a hat? I would have no respect for them.

witcheseve · 13/10/2008 00:22

But human emotions can be irrational, no matter how intelligent, old, wise you are, they can take someone over and make a person behave in very strange ways indeed.

solidgoldskullonastick · 13/10/2008 00:13

Witcheseve, most people don;t murder their partners or ex-partners or the people they consider themselves. But some do. And a lot of peole still seem to think that being 'in love' justifies all sorts of stupid horrible behaviour. 'Love' is not an outside entity: if you like and fancy someone and they like and fancy you that's very nice, but just because one person considers him/herself In Love doewsn't mean that the object of their affections feels the same way.

witcheseve · 13/10/2008 00:07

OMG Solidgold, murder is a bit extreme agree men out there make out that they don't have any sex with partners. In a lot of cases it's true, still they are lying to their partners, themselves and the OW as they are happy plodding on but just want sex and she/he won't give them it.

solidgoldskullonastick · 12/10/2008 23:53

Lots of people believe that being 'in love' or having met 'my soulmate' justifies all kinds of crap behaviour. Including murdering the person who actually does't feeling like 'soulmate' at all and wants the devoted lover to go away. Yes, OK, sometimes you can meet a person who is in a crap relationship and want to help them escape (but sometimes some people will say that their existing relationship is crap because they want a shag off the person they have just met) - and sometimes a person can meet a person who is stuck in an awful relationship, help that person to escape and live happily ever after with them.

witcheseve · 12/10/2008 23:41

Oh be careful. I was the ultimate ice maiden for years and then wham. Won't say too much but check my thoughts on below (or above).

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 23:38

Does everyone fall in love with their boyfriend/ girlfried? I don't think I can say I've been in love with all of them, probably my two main relationships. Some people like not falling in love.

witcheseve · 12/10/2008 23:28

Some OW's can also have their cake. Perhaps so in the beginning but most women will come to the point of falling in love and realising its hopeless.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 23:25

I don't think every OW sees it as degrading. Some women prefer married men because they don't ask too much of them. Some OW can also have their cake!

witcheseve · 12/10/2008 23:21

Soulmate or not being the OW is degrading, guilt riddled and self esteem destroying, even if he does leave to be with you. Even worse if he doesn't.

trumpetgirl · 12/10/2008 23:15

I don't want to cause an uproar here because I think different people have entirely different motives for going after married men. But my Dad always says "all's fair in love and war" and I think that if you believe that someone is your "soulmate" or whatever, you have to go for it whether they're single or not. You only live once fgs.
If someone is married or in a serious relationship, surely it is their responsibility not to cheat on their partner, and should be able to resist temptation

witcheseve · 12/10/2008 23:11

I don't believe woman deliberatley go after married men. If they do they are unbalanced.

If a married man leaves his wife for the mistress the fall out can be unbearable even for the OW. It's hard to get away from the guilt that you have contributed to the breakup of a family. He will eventually blame the OW when she fails to live up to his expectations.

If a married man doesn't leave his wife then the OW ends up feeling used. He is having his cake and eating it whilst she is in a relationship without a future, without meaning.

I suppose in some circumstances you cannot help who you fall for. As a woman gets older there is very few single men on the market.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 22:48

Love it solidgoldskullonastick though have to wonder if you've met some of our friends

georgimama I agree with you but I think people miss that bit either because it naively doesn't occur to them or because they think he's just with the wrong woman.

georgimama · 12/10/2008 22:39

Actually Anna, once someone is married I think they are off the market.

There is no god husband material in someone who is prepared to fuck the current model over to get the latest upgrade. No ta.

solidgoldskullonastick · 12/10/2008 22:18

UQD: yes, there are always plenty of men over 30 who would love to get married. And if some kind soul were to take them in hand and teach them a) how to leave the house without egg stains on their clothes b) that their huge collection of star wars/star treck is very nice but doesn;t actually merit an entire room to itself and potential shags don't want to have to kiss it all goodnight as part of foreplay and c) where the clitoris is... then there would be EVEN MORE UNHAPPINESS in the world. Because really, being single is so much nicer than being desperate to have a partner.

fizziwig · 12/10/2008 14:59

Yes i am divorcing my husband for having an affair and she knew about me and my son and both did not care how they were hurting.
He nows has the nerve to say that our marriage was fine and it was me who just upped and left.

fizziwig · 12/10/2008 14:58

Yes i am divorcing my husband for having an affair and she knew about me and my son and both did not care how they were hurting.
He nows has the nerve to say that our marriage was fine and it was me who just upped and left.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 14:38

It's a complicated issue, but it's not just come from one place and I can find lots of examples of where it has come up.

Anyway, I didn't want to turn it into a thread hi-jack.

I think there has been a change in recent years, 10 or so years ago you would wonder why anyone in their 30s were unmarried, now it's getting more common for people to wait till they're in their 30s to get married. I don't think attitudes have caught up, there are decent singles in their 30s now.

zookeeper · 12/10/2008 14:05

TBM, your dp does not have PR for his ex's new dcs

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MarshaBrady · 12/10/2008 14:00

Yes.
It is becoming more common among people I know now am mid-30s.
Men who are married, have money, established careers and older can be very attractive to single 30 year old women.

The taking him from his older wife can be all part of the challenge and an ego boost.

Of course it works both ways the man is seduced by a younger woman and good for his ego too.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 13:47

I was with him at the solicitors, I can't remember the full reasoning behind everything. I think when we thought it would happen quickly (before she started getting difficult) that it would be quicker to wait. He does want to divorce her, I think he's just worried about what she'll do TBH. He's gained more strength over the years he's been with me, but she still has some control being the mother to his children.

Anna8888 · 12/10/2008 13:35

Yes. The marriage market is just that, a market. Lots of women see good husband material in married men.

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