Come tell me why you stay if DP does nothing nothing around the house and it frustrates you...

[BlingLovin]

There are always lots of threads on this and I'm interested. My instinctive response is "why are you with this person?!?! Get out". But I was thinking about it this week and I wandered whether for others it's really as important as it is to me? Or just one of those irritating things? And if it IS important, then I genuinely do want to know what makes you stay with these men (or women).

I really think that women putting up with lazy arse husbands are doing society a disservice.

For one thing, what are these women teaching their children?

Surely they are simply teaching their children that chauvinism is okay.

Maybe I am Quattro, maybe I am. So sue me.

I am quite OK with my life thank you.

Perhaps it's because I know that I am the one in control. I want DH to pay my bills. Simple.

I find the idea that someone who refuses to do their share is just a "lazy arse" bizarre and by extension the notion that it is "just about housework".

An adult who expects another adult to look after them as though they were a child is not "lazy". A spouse who does not want to have to look after their supposed partner as though they were in some way disabled is not just complaining about housework.

Taking your share of the joint responsibilities of running a household and raising a family is what any decent adult does. You do it because it your duty and you do it happily because you do it for people that you love.

When it all comes right down to it marriages are built on the mundane jobs we do for each other that make each others' lives possible and pleasurable.

"I iron your shirts because you are unable to plan ahead but you make my lunch because I am not good in the morning." Those little ways of caring for each other are what love is all about - not the grand gestures. These are the actions that speak louder than words.

It's not about housework, it's about caring for someone enough to not expect them to do all the work and having enough self-respect to not want someone else to look after you like an unpaid servant.

dittany -

Nope. I do more. I also think that I have more power. Why? Because I build my life to make sure I don't need him. And I can make him think that he does need me.

Imagine what would happen if we split up. I'd get everything (including his family as they are part of my support network). He'd get fuck all.

Besides, I'm the one who dictates whether we have sex or not!

Because I need the childcare. Because DD loves him. Because no-one else would have me

Condemnation for lazy arse husbands is all very well and of course yes let's condemn them. My point was ultimately that in our society (and thank god for that) women have the means to address the issue but frequently choose not to.

Why do people get so worked up about who hoovers and dusts and irons? Surely those are very peripheral activities in a life - just some of the chores that adults can choose to share or to divide up between them/subcontract to a third party (as economic logic would dictate).

Of course, a man who does absolutely nothing but work and expects to be entertained and served at home will be a total bore, which is surely more to the point...

yes anna, you're sooooo sophisticated

surely, to your way of thinking, a man whose wife asks him to help out with menial tasks instead of having fun would be justified in beating her?

The issue is not whether "men do their fair share" of housework, but whether they do their fair share overall.

I know plenty of men who do far more than their fair share overall...

Why don't women do their fair share, then? Loads don't.

Women do do their fair share and more. It's been documented at length. Men have much more leisure time than women because women are busy doing the second shift at home.

Utter ballocks and a complete generalisation. I've just finished vacuuming the flat from front to back, made the kids' lunch, taken the second load of washing out and hung it out to dry, polished the kids' school shoes ready for tomorrow morning, and am about to start peeling spuds for tonight's roast dinner; all while my wife is working four of thirteen hours she does a week at work. She tends to do more cooking/childcare during the week as she is at home and I am out to work at 7am every morning and not back until 6pm; I tend to do more at the weekend when I am here and she is either resting after working nights on Thursday or working on Sunday. The kids are 8 and 5 so are both at school all day, thus she gets 5 hours a day to herself whereas I might get a few hours spread across one or two days a week.

So don't you dare tell me that 'men' don't do their share - I know I bloody well do and I'm pretty facking certain I'm not unique.

Saltanpepper - my husband is like you. When he is home he is completely hands on. He cleans and cares for our daughter to the point where sometimes I feel utterly spoiled.

To the point, however, is my very unscientific observation of my friends husbands who mostly do nothing on the weekends. They sit around all day "resting from the week." My conclusion is that while you and my husband may not be "unique" you are certainly not the norm.

I kinda like that you think you're normal, tho. Have you actually polled any of your male friends about this?

i say go take out the trash and i'll be waiting for you naked in bed when you get back. it works like a charm!

I must admit that I find dh enormously sexy when he's washing the dishes - and I'm not just being silly here, I think it's because I feel like we're part of the same team, rather than me running the show. I agree, after moaning with my friends, women do TEND to do more stuff around the home, although of course not in every case. Sometimes I get pretty grumpy about it, but my dh genuinely doesn't see the dust bunnies if i don't hoover, no matter how blimmin' enormous they get. Remember what most of us were like as children/teenagers? I grew out of the not-seeing chores, he just never did. So yes, I wish he did more. But he doesn't not do it to be an arse. If you see what I mean.

hello diva :wavey:

I must admit I do tend to have a bit of a chillout on a Saturday - I take my boy to gym class while wifey does a bit of food shopping or other housey stuff - and then the kids will spend some time with their Nan who lives very close, so it gives us both a breather, I will normally watch some motorsport or rugby while she reads or has a snooze...but when SWMBO works on a Sunday I think it'd be taking the piss if I didn't do an equivalent amount of work in the home that she does during the week. Thus dinner is well underway when she gets in, the house is reasonably clean and tidy, the kids and their school uniform have been washed etc (although not in the same way - the social might take a dim view...).

As to 'normal' - my dad, who passed away 16 years ago aged 66 (he was born in 1926) taught me that a chap should never rely on anyone to look after him; he should be able to wash his own clothes, iron his own shirts, polish his own shoes, cook his own dinner, and keep himself and his place clean. So yes, I am normal - in my frame of reference. Anyone that can't/won't take care of themselves and their family is therefore skills-deficient, in my view. I haven't done a poll but I might just do so - it might be interesting to see the result!

dittany - nothing personal, hun - just a bit annoying to be tarred with the useless arsehole brush

i'm with you blinglovin.

but also seems to me that some women married to these types also love being martyrs. not all obv.

For those women who think that their hubbies are absolved from chores because they have willies paid jobs outside the home: Try not doing any more than the necessary minimum. A lot of housework is frankly UNNECESSARY anyway, no one ever died from a bit of dust on the mantlepiece. Household tasks should be divided between the adults in the household in terms of time ie all members of the household get the same amount of time off from shitwork. And once the food is prepared, the underwear laundered and the bins emptied, the rest of the shitwork can wait until someone has the time or can be arsed to do it.