Come tell me why you stay if DP does nothing nothing around the house and it frustrates you...

[BlingLovin]

There are always lots of threads on this and I'm interested. My instinctive response is "why are you with this person?!?! Get out". But I was thinking about it this week and I wandered whether for others it's really as important as it is to me? Or just one of those irritating things? And if it IS important, then I genuinely do want to know what makes you stay with these men (or women).

Well bling they aren't likely to come on and say "I have very poor taste in men, low self esteem and a martyr complex"

oh, because he's 'such a good dad'.

a good dad doesn't treat the mother of his kids like a skivvy.

Interesting theory Expat, and I think you're probably right. It's also almost a badge of honour - "I did a 60 hour week, now I get to do what I like". But how does that relate to the women who suffer? There was someone on one of these threads once who said this is what her DH was like, but she went into it with her eyes open and so she didn't mind. And I respected that. She wasn't complaining. But what about the ones who find it exhausting and stressful and draining? Why do they put up with it.

I know - sorry, got you now.
I don't know - I suspect when they find out it's too late.

Tbh with you, it was shock when I first moved in with dh - he came straight from living at home where he did precisely zero. He had no clue about budgeting and paying bills and no clue what running a house (or flat at the time) entailed.

When we had children and things shifted again it was kind of the same.

But over time we've sorted it out and, since he does have utmost respect for me and the amount I have to do, he is more than happy to do his share.

But it's a learning thing as you go through life - honestly, I had to teach dh everything because hs parents had not!! Sad but true.

he is very different onthat front now than he was when I met him.

I don't know what I'd do if I found this out after having children and it was too late and he was NOT going to change - I guess that's the place people find themselves in and I can see why it's hard to leave at that point.

Good point TPL!

I guess I was hoping they had other reasons.

Although if someone treated me like a slave and clearly coudln't give a sh*t about me - I don't nknow I could stay. I couldn't live my life like that.

What exactly do you mean - not taking resposibility for the running of the home?

Doing bugger-all in the home. Expecting his female partner to be magically in charge of all household stuff.

I mean what kind of things are involved with that?

I'm kind of with lulumama on this one - dp works long hours and doesnt do any housework etc but on weekends he is involved with us and the kids and I suppose I have learned to compromise on how he is.

We met very young and tbh its partly my personality to be a bit of a control freak so on the one hand I do like doing things MY way but at times I do get fed up with it.

He doesnt do it to be a pig I think he just never learned and rather than row constantly about it I would rather accept the status quo.

He is a lovely guy - makes me a cuppa every nite etc so I am by no means mistreated but it just wouldnt occur to him to do those things.

Does this make me one of those women BL?

it is not as easy as leaving is it? especially once you have children especially, if you are treated with no respect long enouhg, surely it would affect your self esteem. and make it harder to break away or effect any change..and deprive your children of a stable home life because the dad does not do houswork ( oversimplifying ) few women would end a marriage on those grounds i think

Nope Tully, not at all. Division of labour by temperment, time, skill or is totally fair - I don't take out the garbage. Ever. DP wouldn't think of supper ahead of time, even if he was starving.

Lulu, I think you're at least partly right. And I guess women who marry men like that probably have self esteem issues in the first place. Which is sad.

that should be "division of labour by temperment, time, skill, or negotiation is totally fair..."

I agree with Bling. No problems in couples splitting the responsibilities between them: I hardly ever have to do the washing-up; he never makes those nasty phone calls to the education authority.

But it's when you read of blokes who don't seem to think anything that happens at home is their responsibility and who would be totally clueless if their partners weren't there. And in those posts it often does seem to go hand in hand with a lack of respect.

It's not just about different standards of house-keeping (dh and I are both slobs!); it's when the man thinks housework is somehow beneath him or something he is unfitted by nature to do.

i don't consider myself to have poor taste in men, low self esteem or a martyr complex. i do have a dh who doesn't exactly do nothing around the house (a day's childcare a week, has been known to put a wash on, irons his own shirts and walks the dog) but sure as hell does less than i do, and we both work ft.
why don't i leave him? er, because he's the father of my son and they love each other dearly, and that matters to me more than who hoovers. because i love him, actually, and he loves me to death, and he's kind and faithful and funny and great in a crisis, just domestically incompetent.
and because i find some domestic stuff quite satisfying (i' never resent cooking, for instance, because i like it). and because there's a difference between some chauvinist slob sitting around saying housework is woman's work and men like my dh who are genuinely puzzled by why housework needs to be done (he wouldn't care if the house didn't get cleaned from one year to the next).
can't speak for everyone, but that's why i don't leave him. although i do come on MN and moan at him occasionally to let off steam before going back to my generally reasonably happy marriage. just as many of us come on and moan about our kids before going back to our essentially happy families.
now you can all go back to judging.....
but i would just say: if i posted on here saying i dont understand why all these women who come on MN saying they're short of money don't just leave their job and get a better one, and then banged on smugly about how great my job is and how much i'm paid, i would be quite rightly flamed to death.
perhaps not all women have the choices in life and the self-assertiveness you lot expect? perhaps you should just count yourselves lucky that your marriages work so equably?

i don't consider myself to have poor taste in men, low self esteem or a martyr complex. i do have a dh who doesn't exactly do nothing around the house (a day's childcare a week, has been known to put a wash on, irons his own shirts and walks the dog) but sure as hell does less than i do, and we both work ft.
why don't i leave him? er, because he's the father of my son and they love each other dearly, and that matters to me more than who hoovers. because i love him, actually, and he loves me to death, and he's kind and faithful and funny and great in a crisis, just domestically incompetent.
and because i find some domestic stuff quite satisfying (i' never resent cooking, for instance, because i like it). and because there's a difference between some chauvinist slob sitting around saying housework is woman's work and men like my dh who are genuinely puzzled by why housework needs to be done (he wouldn't care if the house didn't get cleaned from one year to the next).
can't speak for everyone, but that's why i don't leave him. although i do come on MN and moan at him occasionally to let off steam before going back to my generally reasonably happy marriage. just as many of us come on and moan about our kids before going back to our essentially happy families.
now you can all go back to judging.....
but i would just say: if i posted on here saying i dont understand why all these women who come on MN saying they're short of money don't just leave their job and get a better one, and then banged on smugly about how great my job is and how much i'm paid, i would be quite rightly flamed to death.
perhaps not all women have the choices in life and the self-assertiveness you lot expect? perhaps you should just count yourselves lucky that your marriages work so equably?

um, i do consider myself unable to post without accidentally doing it twice though...
sigh

Well some women still believe that any man is better than no man, that women are incomplete without a man around and that women exist to service men.

i don't get it when people say their dh/dp loves them to death but then their dh/dp can quite happily let their partner do everyting for them and run themselves ragged whilst they park their arse on the sofa and watch telly whilst ignoring the kids

If I work 40 hours per week, and DH works 60 hours... and there are 20 hours housework to do- would it be fair to expect him to do any? Really?

Hmmm... this is something I've been mulling over myself lately.

When I met DH, he was self-sufficient and perfectly capable of looking after himself.

I love cooking, so our agreement that whoever did the cooking didn't have to wash up basically meant I cooked and he washed up. We split everything else down the middle.

We had the kitchen re-done and bought a dishwasher - so now he will load it but very rarely does he unload it, so that's something else I've got to do.

Along comes DD and suddenly I get this 'I've worked hard all week so I need (I don't think he'd dare say he deserved) my rest at the evenings/weekends. I had PND after DD and I hate to say it but I think at the time (and still to a large extent) believed him and thought it was all my fault that the house was a bit of a tip and I ought to be on top of it all, after all, I was at home all day. Although I can now see that for the complete BS it was, considering that DD had incredibly bad reflux and I spent a good 4 hours of that day walking her around held upright in a vain attempt to prevent her screaming, I still feel inadequate that the house gets messy, like I'm failing.

Logically I know that's crap, but he has this absolute refusal to accept that any of the mess is his. Or to help tidy it up, because he didn't do it (we're talking newspapers piling up, laundry put out to dry and not put away, DD's toys/drawings/play stuff). He gets angry if I challenge him on this and, largely because I feel guilty that I'm not keeping the house tidier (because I'm a messy article), I don't push it. Perhaps I should. I work 3 days a week in a very pressurised environment and am exhausted by it. He doesn't seem to get this at all. I made a joky comment on another thread, that he read memoo's list of jobs and said 'you see, that's what you need, a routine' when I'd pointed it out to him to say how appalling that this woman had to do everything by herself... it's not feeling so funny right now.

I'm making him sound like an arse and he's not (this aside), it's the only thing we ever argue about, I know that I back down too easily. It seems like since DD was born I've lost every bit of assertiveness I ever had (and I used to be quite bolshy).... but I don't want to leave him, and I don't think any of the women the OP is puzzled by do either, they just desperately want to feel not taken for granted by the man they love.

whatever hours you work outside the home, you should share any tasks that need doing whilst you are BOTH at home..eg washing up/laundry/gardening/childcare etc

Obviously if you work less hours than him you could do more stuff whilst he is at work

But why DDF? This is a genuine question, btw.
If someone works fewer hours than their partner, surely they should do more in the home ?(male OR female)

I'm not saying this is the situation in my home btw, I was just wondering.

OK. I think I may fall in to the category of women you are all referring to.

My DH is selfish and chauvinist. He expects me to go to work and still do ALL childcare. He doesn't do nothing, but will avoid time with DS as much as possible.

So why do I stay with him?

Because I love my house, I love where I live, I love the school DS goes to. I work part time and don't have to worry about money. DS loves his daddy. I have friends and family to support me when I am close to killing him.

If I leave, I lose all that. And I don't want to.