Checking DP's internet usage ? To confront him or not?

[MrsParker]

Hi,read a post on here where someone advised you can check temporary internet files to see whats been looked at.
So started snooping on what Dp has been looking at.
Seem to have become obsessed. Last week found he'd looked at porn. This week he's been on facebook. But he deletes the history, only know this because i look at temporary internet files. Found he's been chatting on meebo? Looking at a variety of people on facebook.
Mentioned facebook to him and he said he doesn't bother with it, the temporary internet files prove otherwise. He gets up early for work and goes on it for 40 minutes or so.

If he has nothing to hide, why does he delete the history? But i can't confront him without revealing that i've been snooping. I have real trust issues from my past and this is making me sooo miserable. Anyone?

[TwoPumpkins]

Dont be too hard on yourself. I expect something has happened in the past that has made you not very trusting. I am a bit like this, and my husband is incredably tolerent and understanding. At most he would get exasperated with me, not violent and certainly wouldnt leave. If this is the first time you have looked at the computer then why has your husband flown off the handle like this? Its not like you do it regularly is it? I suppose what I am trying to ask is where is the history of you being mistrusting, as you have only just found out about the internet thing, and why is he hiding it. Do you check his phone or something like that?

[LostHorizon]

@ BeingAmazonian

Nah, I just figure what's anonymity for if you can't tell it like it is.

[VinegARGHHHTits]

Oh no this is not good, hope he calms down and comes back, can you get in touch and say sorry, explain to him why you snooped?

[mybumpsaboy]

hiya...

facebook is indeed the root of all evil: but mostly because it unleashes the ability to snoop.

I managed to get into my ex's account, & through it discovered he WAS having an affair (LostHorizon is absolutely spot on...this girl for some reason was v willing to co-operate with his cheating, & on many occasions denied to me that there was anything between them)...

From that second on, I became obsessed, & it ruined my life until the moment we inevitably split. Yes I had v good reason to do so.....but I literally stalked him. Got worse & worse...& NO relationship can survive like that, even if it was doomed to begin with.

[quinne]

I'm not having an affair and i am not even vaguely thinking about having one but I would HATE it if my DH started checking up on me to find out what i was doing on the computer (and I am only reading things like mumsnet and showbiz news), but where is the privacy??

[Mumi]

I don't keep an internet history at all because not only do I not need it, I don't want people like you drawing the wrong conclusions from things I look at.

You're looking for something which likely isn't there and taking it out on him when you can't find it.

YABU.

[pamelat]

Join facebook and send him a friend request. You can see who his friends are, its all a bit of a nonsense really. I am friends with lots of people on there that I dont really like in real life

Not read all of the replies but IMO once you know something, even if its only marginally "upsetting" you are best to air it than let it fester.

I end up being honest, which isnt always the best thing.

I don't think that everyone has to be ok with "secrets", porn or otherwise. Have had a similar problem recently, after 24 hours of talking and basically both of us crying, we have come to the solution that honesty is the best thing or us.

If suspicions prove to be correct than they are, by default, not paranoid.

[pamelat]

Sorry I have just read the latest responses and seen that you have had a big fall out, and relate problems etc (why do I always jump in as Miss Impulsive sorry

Why did he get so cross? What did you confront him with?

[nkf]

I can't understand not snooping particularly if you have suspicions. He uses Facebook and denies that he does. Is that right? Well, there's probably a reason and it's probably a bit dodgy.

[anyfucker]

sorry to hijack, but how do you check internet history and how do you delete it?

am worrying now that dp knows bloody everything about me !

mrsparker, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, sounds awful for you but I'm really not clear what you are accusing him of!

[misselizabethbennet]

MrsParker I can see why you're worried. You've found something that could mean something, but it probably doesn't. But you can't ask him about it because you know you shouldn't have snooped in the first place and he will say you're paranoid. So now you're stuck with this huge question you can't get answered.

As others have said, there are lots of innocent reasons he might have been using facebook secretly. And there are potentially less innocent reasons too.

I think you're going to have to ask him about it, but in the context of your trust issues - "I've had a blip and I'm sorry, and I did this bad thing. Can you tell me about what you do on facebook and why you tell me you don't go on it?" I would imagine you can tell if he's lying.

[wannaBe]

I delete my internet history. Well I don't deliberately delete it - internet explorer is set to delete it automatically (well it was when I did it several years ago, not because I have anything to hide, but because i don't see any reason to keep it.

And I don't "bother with facebook" either - but I do actually go on there to check status updates but that's all. But i guess I could say to dh that I don't bother with it and he could assume I'm lying? I just don't bother with all the crap the games the walls and the like that facebook involves.

You are reading too much into this.

And if you are that insecure it's no wonder he's walked out. I would.

[MyPumpkinDsHappyHalloweenBday]

Mrs Parker,
Sorry your going through hell with this, he has obviously given you some reason to think the worst.
Lots have gone on about you checking up on him, trust issues and being our of order. but its no different to checking text messages or mobile bills really is it. I bet most on here would do it if they could get away.

Hope it all works out.

[umberella]

Sorry - I think you are onto something and fro mwhat you have posted I would not trust this guy either. Call me a cynic, but there is something not right here imo.

[pamelat]

You see I wouldnt mind my DH checking up on me, because I don't have anything to hide.

If it were constant it would wear me down but I genuinely dont have an issue with a couple of checks a year, if it helped/reassured him that all was well.

I was once "caught out" as I was having a text (stupid) relationship with another man and DH (we weren't married at the time) found these messages. So in my opinion, he deserves to want to know and I feel that I owe it to him to be 100% open with him.

When this other bloke kept trying to get back in touch, I told my now DH each time. It wasn't pretty but it was my problem. Now I would never do anything like that again.

MrsParker may have good reason to have trust issues.

[VinegARGHHHTits]

Thinking about it, he may have looked at porn and deleted history becuase he would be embarrassed if you found out, which in turn would delete all history including facebook, so in theory he is not doing anything wrong on fb he just wanted to delete the porn, and your putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5, MrsP what happened after your argument? did he come back?

[LostHorizon]

Incidentally, while I'm on a roll about porn, I was once discussing the ideal porn movie with an GF and the couple next door over dinner.

He and I decided that ideally, my GF / his wife would step naked into a full-body scanner, a data file would be created, and our women - i.e. with their own bodies - could then be digitally inserted into hard core porn movies.

We'd then get to watch our own women being apparently rogered six ways till Sunday including stuff that in RL they won't do, without having to let anyone shag them. The Terminator, Alexander the Great, Elvis, Geoffrey off Rainbow, Lenin - eventually there'd be a file available for anyone you liked. If you paid for the extended mission pack, they'd have bigger cocks and do filthier things.

So, Caroline Flint goes down on your girlfriend while Marlon "Flora Man" Brando pops round the back with the butter. All in the comfort of your own DVD player.

What's not to like?

Anyways, the women were dumbfounded at the idea that we'd want to watch them in porn movies, because they'd always assumed the whole point of porn was to lech at someone else. Well, not really, we're only leching at someone else because that's who's in the porn and our own women are oddly reluctant to feature in any.

Have to say that along with X-ray specs, which have promised for decades, I'm v disappointed at how long it's taking this technology to arrive.

[taliac]

LH - that hilarious but just so sooo wrong. Which might be why its hilarious..

[ggglimpopo]

lOSTHorizon - you have just made me spit out my tisane!

pmsl

[LostHorizon]

It would only be wrong if you put the wife's file online. As if us chaps would ever do such a thing. The very thought!

What would the site be called?

Flangebook?

iPubes?

Bumsnet?

[ggglimpopo]

Roger dot com