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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Checking DP's internet usage ? To confront him or not?

80 replies

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 10:25

Hi,read a post on here where someone advised you can check temporary internet files to see whats been looked at.
So started snooping on what Dp has been looking at.
Seem to have become obsessed. Last week found he'd looked at porn. This week he's been on facebook. But he deletes the history, only know this because i look at temporary internet files. Found he's been chatting on meebo? Looking at a variety of people on facebook.
Mentioned facebook to him and he said he doesn't bother with it, the temporary internet files prove otherwise. He gets up early for work and goes on it for 40 minutes or so.

If he has nothing to hide, why does he delete the history? But i can't confront him without revealing that i've been snooping. I have real trust issues from my past and this is making me sooo miserable. Anyone?

OP posts:

Report

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 13:11

Thanks LostHorizon, but as i said not fussed so much about the porn. i guess thats why he deletes his facebook history, because i'd be accusing him of everything. But its worse now, coz i know he's looking but can't say anything!

OP posts:

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 13:13

I am a nightmare, guess thats why we're going to relate. I do have major trust issues, which he knows about, and this is ony making it worse. And i'm doing it to myself by checking the temporary files!

OP posts:

LostHorizon · 09/10/2008 13:13

I go on facebook, I have ex-boyf's on their, but he hides what he does.

So you come in after a knackering day at work in which the boss whined about you not meeting your targets, and the clients kept trying to avoid paying the account, and your colleagues nicked all your best ideas, and the overdraft's looking dicey because the car blew up and had to be repaired.

He's there waiting for you, after your shitty day, and he's been saving his energy up all day to now make your day even worse. He's got all the energy in the world for a row, at the drop of a hat, and he wants to know why you're on FB and why your exes are on FB, and he accuses you of doing something - he's not sure exactly what - and he's spent your money installing keylogger software on your computer to spy on you.

All that would be fine would it?

DiscoDizzy · 09/10/2008 13:15

Haven't read full thread but DH and I had this problem previously, he showed me how to check temporary files and there was a little bit of porn on there. He showed me and a lot of innocent websites have pop ups which are porn. This was true as it has happened to me. We now don't allow pop ups and it hasn't occurred since but perhaps his surfing was innocent. I'd probably still mention it though, jesting a little rather than accusatory.

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 13:18

if i thought i could get away with installing key logger software, i would! I see your point.

OP posts:

VinegARGHHHTits · 09/10/2008 13:19

You cant police what he does on the internet, anymore than what he does when he is not with you, you will drive yourself bonkers, and you will drive a rift between you and him, you will drive him away.

S1ur · 09/10/2008 13:21

Don't think you should be checking internet history, so what if he surfs for porn?

And that data logger is hideous.

If you think he is having an affair, an actual rl one, then prhaps you should confront him on that. But don't base it on what you find in internet history.

Good grief, thanks to mumsnet my internet history reads like a very eclectic rabid raving pornstar who likes shoes and cake and has a bizarre amount of health problems...

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 13:25

Don't think he's having an affair in rl. Worried hat one may start as a result of facebook, meeting up with ex's etc.... Thinking snooping is a preventative measure!

OP posts:

S1ur · 09/10/2008 13:31

tbh if he is going to have an affair I don't think snooping will prevent anything. It'll just make him more careful.

Simplysally · 09/10/2008 13:34

I have to say that unless you have reason to suspect anything is amiss then looking at his internet use could drive you mad. it could all be innocent. I sometimes think Facebook is the work of a particularly evil person to drive us bonkers. What did we fret about before FB?

I agree about the data logger being horrific. Please don't install that.

LostHorizon · 09/10/2008 13:35

As an experienced two-timer, I can advise you that it can really only be done successfully if the other woman is aware of and will co-operate with his need for stealth.

Trying to keep each of two women unaware of the other's existence is not practical, IME.

S1ur · 09/10/2008 13:38

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 13:39

thanks for all the posts, am going to try not to look! its worse than giving up smoking! Thanks again

OP posts:

S1ur · 09/10/2008 13:41

Good for you, it'll be hard to resist. But well done for trying. And relate sounds like a good plan.

Lots of luck with that.

VinegARGHHHTits · 09/10/2008 13:42

Ex's are ex's for a reason, would you go out with one of your ex's if he contacted you on FB? i know i wouldn't. I think you need to address your trust issues in your relate sessions, he really has done nothing wrong imo.

VinegARGHHHTits · 09/10/2008 13:43

oops x posts! yes, good luck, stop snooping you muppet

Simplysally · 09/10/2008 13:44

No I'm not that Sally .

Kif · 09/10/2008 14:01

err - I delete my internet history, It's called 'clear cache' - I do it whenever the internet runs a bit slow or random.

BeingAmazonian · 09/10/2008 14:12

Losthorizon...are you in a bad mood? I like your style. You're very attractive when you're cross.

2manychips · 09/10/2008 16:30

I buy my dh porn,we have a collection that we watch together and alone,but he still feels the need to lie and hide his own little stash-dont really get why,its just something they do! he says he's still a ittle embarassed by it...!?

MrsParker · 09/10/2008 16:34

So i confronted him, he said I'm mad. Shouted, smashed a cup. And left with a bag of his stuff. Says he's not coming to relate anymore. Think i've messed up

OP posts:

beanieb · 09/10/2008 16:38

Personally, unless he's spending huge amounts of money or there are other things wrong with the relationship, or the porn he is viewing is illegal, then I wouldn't be worried that he is using the internet for porn. However if you personally have issues with Pornography then I think you need to tell him and talk about how it makes you feel.

I don't think looking at porn alone suggests that he is being unfaithfull or cheating on you.

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lulumama · 09/10/2008 16:50

he's either guilty as charged and being defensive or is totally pissed off with you not trusting him

how long oyu been going to relate?

lulumama · 09/10/2008 16:51

what did you say when you confronted him. if he had admitted to looking at porn, what did you need to confront him about?

TwoPumpkins · 09/10/2008 17:00

Have you looked at his facebook? Is he talking to lots of random people, women, one woman?

Best case this will help you both see more clearly and work threw it. Worse case its the excuse he needed to leave.

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