SO HAPPY ARE YOU?

[themildmannneredjanitor]

Shallow i know but have just been watching sex and the city and the question was asked' is being happy neccessary in a relationship'?

samantha was unhappy and thought it was normal and charlotte said that she was happy every day. perhaps not all day but at least once a day.

and i t got me thinking. i don't know how happy i am at the moment.or rather i think i am not especially happy.

and i know that i need to do something to change that.but what?

i feel like i am looking for moments of happiness to grasp-and that's not good is it?

So what is 'normal?'

how happy are you?

I'm not really happy at all at the moment. Only smile when ds does something funny, but I still feel sad deep down. I think I'm mildly depressed.

Having said that I've never been one of these overly happy people. They really annoy me.

[grumpy]

Clearly you're both really tense. A bottle of wine and a nice supper where you really talk - possibly not in public so there's the option to yell/cry/laugh hysterically without people thinking you're crazy...?

I am very, very happy. Content. Lovely children, things rocking along quite nicely.

The only downside is that I am miserable when DP is around

You need to ask him if there is something bothering him too. From the sounds of it you're both unhappy about something and neither knows what the other is unhappy about.

This dinner was it just you and he? Or the children too?

Could you 'make a date'? It's what I do when I think DP and I need to talk, I get the kids to bed and have dinner just with him, sometimes with wine, depending how serious the talk is and tell him in advance that one day out of X/Y/Z I need to talk to him, so would appreciate him being there as it's important, which day/time would suit him best.

Put it on the calendar, and write down anything bothering you between now and then.

Commit to both of you having the chance to say how they feel before the other buts in, and don't allow defensiveness, agree that everythign you say will be an I statement and that you won't attack each other, but nor will you say 'But I do X because you Y' A simple, 'ok, I understand' or 'I don't understand, explain it to me' should be all that is answered at the beginning, to allow you to really get to the crux of the issue.

I try to have dinner with Dp at least once a month to stop things from brewing and we are both very careful about the way we talk to each other now. (him through his police training, me through How to talk)

TMMJ
that is classic for us. When we are tired or stressed or just getting a bit distant from each other we start to misinterpret each other.
Just tell him that - give him that example. But don't make it all about blame. Just that you are feeling sad . that you feel you are misunderstanding each other. And that you miss him. And ask him if he feels like that too and if so what can you both do to make it better.
Ask him what you can do and he is far more likely to fess up to feeling crabby or tired or whatever.
Last time this happened with me and DH it turned out he was just very frustrated with something at work. He hadn't told me about it because he felt I was busy enough .
All we needed was a good chat. I happily listened to his work stuff while getting totally plastered on a nice bottle of wine. Job done

and to top it all off-i am about to go out in the rain to pick up my lovely boys who are bringing home a friend who i KNOW is going to comment on how messy the house is when he arrives! and he's right-it is messy! i've been ironing all morning and haven't tidied up.

VS
you must be scary if he needed police trainning to talk to you
we do regular catch ups. Stops the stuff building up and reminds us we actually really like each other

pagwatch, he did it last night.

I put the dinner on then walked round to the shop, saying 'Dinner will be ready by the time I get back' as I left.

I expected him to check dinner, he just didn't think.

I come home to burnt dinner

I kick off 'cos it's late as it is (his parents had been round) and I'm knackered and want DS2 to get to bed at the right time so he only wakes up for one feed in the night rather than fecks around all night, and the whole lot is messed up now, kids won't be in bed on time, baby won't be in bed on time, dinner will need recooking etc.

He calmed me down, found a solution blah de blah.

Only afterwards did he say 'I should ace that test tomorrow' (he has a test on his communication/interview skills

he sounds great vs.

so how do i get across to him that it makes me feel crap when he doesn't look at me when i am speaking?

this is an ongoing thing and it drives me mad.

Contentment is very much underated imo.

Happiness is always going to be quite a transient state, uaually asociated with a prticular extrenal factor that just cannot be sustained constantly.

Contentment however is deeper, more internal and less flutuating.

I know I can go from happy to miserable in fve minutes, but at both points I would say I am very content

That's one of the things I had with DP actually, he'll be on the pc or watching TV and when he isn't looking at me he loses focus, so I'll be waffling on talking about something really important and he misses half of it.

Tell him (over dinner) that it's nice to be sat together eating dinner because when he looks at you you feel like he is really listening. Say that you understand he is engrossed in something sometimes when you want to talk but you'd much prefer him to look at you when you say it, because when he doesn't you feel unimportant, actually less important than the TV/pc/random bird flying around in the garden that he is staring at.

Then, as soon as you've said all that, making sure you emphasise the I feel, it makes me think that take back some of the blame. Something like 'Maybe it's partly my fault because I do it just as you're chilling out, how about we find a way to atop me feeling like this, and then you won't feel like I'm nagging

Sorry just posted that in resonse to OP, didn't realise discussion was now more specific.

Me and my DH are currently working on trying to be kinder to each other, and it is really paying off.

Over many years really, we've lapsed into quite an accusatory/defensive way of talking to each other which results in alot of bickering and underlying resentment. By just considering how we speak to each other is really changing how we interact and bringing us closer in lots of ways.

Am not too bad. I think it's about what you feel not what you've got.

A lot of us are grieving somehow. I might get trashed for this but I think some of us grieve for things we lost as children - not stuff, but maybe a good bond with our mother, someone to love us properly...that kind of thing. It means some of the wiring in our brains probably went a bit wrong at whatever age...for me, well this is my mother's theory - she says it went wrong very early on as she was v young, living with relatives and they didn't allow her to leave my elder sister in order to feed me or bond with me. I barely saw her and she says she never really cuddled me. She thinks I missed something very crucial there and the void has never been filled.

It's got less intense and we're at least friends now and I'm surviving - but there were some very rough years when I was on a path to self obliteration. I just didn't feel I was supposed to be alive, didn't belong etc etc...other things like happy marriage, children, home etc only fit into place once you feel you're allowed to have them.

Does that make sense? Call it depression I suppose.

VS one of our reoccuring arguments is about lack of eye contact and general interest when I'm speaking to him, sometimes he even leaves the room when I'm speaking, and when I go ballistic he says all innocently 'what? I just needed to get my bag?' as if I'm a mad women.

This arguemnet always results in him finally agreeing that I have a point and that he will 'try harder' not to do it.

3 weeks later....same row.
Repeat for 10 years.

I am now trying to change my reaction to when he does this as getting upset and exlaining has got me nowhere.

And I'm finding that if I actually think differently when he does it, I react differently and a row and resentment avoided.

It's still early days though and this is all very rational for me.

Do you never do it though Szyslak?
I know I do. I'm worst when DP starts talking to em and I'll be typing on MN
Difference is I can hear what he is saying to me and concentrate on something else so I can repeat what eh said after I've done my post

Of course, but the real difference is I have important, interesting, funny and enlightening things to tell him, and what he has to say can generally wait till later.

Actually, the real difference is he doesn't get in the slightest offended and will wait till I have time, whereas I have am amazing capacity to see personal slights and take offence at any opportunity.

But I'm working on it.

he does it all the time and i find it really disrespectful. i always say to him to look at me and he will try but he just can't help himslef watching tv or whatever.

god help me if we go out to a pub or restaraunt and ther eis a tv that he can see because he will spend half the time looking over my shoulder.
makes me feel dull and unimportant and like he would rather be anywhere else basically.

we've been together 16 years now and i love him so much.

but the way things are now-if were youngsters and going out together-i would dump him.

i grab bits of happiness when i can, sometimes it is hard to see happiness as other stuff gets in the way.
i am happy that i have 3 lovely healthy kids.
i am happy that i have good friends around me.
i am happy that we don't have money worries
i am happy that i had a fab loving relationship for 17 years.
and i am happy cos we are going on holiday very soon.

oh oj-i'm being pathetic i know.

no you are not, you have done me a favour and helped me to focus on the things that do make me happy and that's not a bad thing, thankyou.

I am on the whole a happy person. Of course I have moments of anger, sadness, anxiety etc but that is part of life isn't it?

I love my dh, my ds, have a house, a car and a good set of friends.

But then small silly things can make me hapy like croissants for brekkie, my fave song on teh radio....

I don't think you are being stupid to feel this way when you have a lot compared to other people although I do agree that when you have been through a shit time, comparing your new improved life can cheer you up.

Sometimes no amount of looking at all the good things you've got and thinking you should be grateful makes you feel happy. Eg if you have depression, or if you are just bored, or if you feel unwanted and unimportant. Somebody mentioned unresolved childhood issues and I agree, if you have them, and they are unresolved, even if it looks on paper that you have the perfect life, you won't be happy (this was me).

It sounds like as this thread has progressed you are starting to pinpoint the main cause of your discontent as your DH not making you feel important and wanted.

I think this is really common in long relationships after a while. So is men staring at the TV when you are talking to them and men not taking the initiative to organise nights out. Hopefully you can get some comfort from knowing other people's DHs are similar.

I don't think booking a time to talk about serious issues is the best idea. This is just scary for a man. Men hate talking about emotional issues especially when they are being criticised and booking a time is like backing him into a corner and forcing him to take it.

I think you need to find more subtle ways to talk to him which he finds less threatening. Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, or Why men don't listen and women can't read maps, or Surrendered Wife? I know feminists HATE these books, but just try it and see if it sounds like you and your DH. I felt relieved when I read them. It's not because he doesn't love you it is because men's brains are wired differently to women's.

You could then read out bits to your DH and have a lighthearted conversation about "You do this and I feel just like these women are saying...." and "How do you feel when I ....in the book it says....". I did this with my DH and we often talk about what men want and what women want and how to understand each other. We are now starting to understand each other more and do a bit more of what each other wants.

we have a had a chat.

i spewed out loads of stuff and we have sorted things.
feel LOADS better!

got a date all planned and booked already! babysitter included.

i do feel happy now!