DH wants to retire - leaving me in charge of paying the bills - am worried about this

[Soleproviderpressure]

Forgive me for namechanging for this - know people in RL on the site.

Both my DH and I work full time OTH. My DH is ten years older than me - now 53 and would like to retire from his job. The problem is that we have children who are still at primary school and an ocean of financial commitments.

It would be great to have someone at home more. He maintains he will get a small part-time job. He is also not especially well- nothing life-threatening but a long term health problem so this would be good for his health.

We can just about meet our financial commitments on my salary but I am literally terrified of the prospect because my job is very insecure (don't want to say what it is because will out myself) particularly nowadays. I mean very insecure - a round of redundancies was announced last week.

We've always had the luxury of knowing that if one of us did lose our jobs, we could survive courtesy of the others salary. This security is about to be eliminated and I am really worried if it is just down to me that I might let everyone down.

How can he just unilaterally retire at only 53 without your agreement!! That's mad. If he wants a job with less pressure/shorter hours he should try and get one, not just say, OK, I'm fancy a bit of a rest, so support me! He is being totally unreasonable.

Can he wait for 18-24 months until you can be reasonably sure that your job will be secure?

I just don't think one partner can just bail out of the marriage financially like that. It is totally unreasonable. I would put my foot down.

He says that he has worked for 30 years and I have only worked for 20 years. He says that children need attention at home.

When he says that I can't help recalling that I only took 8 monthis maternity leave combined for both children because the coffers apparently wouldn't extend to my having longer at home.

I do feel a bit embittered about this - it does feel like a unilateral decision. I also feel frankly terrified of the responsibility.

He has some deadline in mind of December 2009. TBH my job is always insecure, always always insecure but just now is the most insecure its ever been.

It's a very strange time for him to come out with this! Retiring at 53 would be a huge luxury - and it doesn't sound like one he can afford.

Exactly, he might fancy a new Bentley or a year on a Caribbean island, but you can't just do these things in a marriage. 53 is not a retiring age unless you've already made a couple of million or something. It's not your fault he is older than you. What does he think will happen in ten years when you have worked your 30 year set working years and decide YOU are going to retire? If you choose to have kids later in life, you pretty much give up any fantasies of early retirement. If he wants to work 3/4 days or have less pressure, then it's up to him to look for a job that fits that description. Is he having some kind of crisis at work? Is he depressed? WHat is going on here?

I don't know where we are anymore. Perhaps I should just think about it all as joint money rather than his or mine. But the pressure will be all mine.

Can you downsize your financial commitments - especially things that he could forgoe. He may be less keen if he has to give up good wine, holidays or his hobby before he gives up his job. In fact, start trimming now, make things as harsh as you can. It will mean the you will be able to save a bit and also will show whether he is willing and able to cut back enough.

The bad news (from your point of view) is that in my personal experience I spend a lot more money when I'm not working than when I am. Part of it is doing stuff that I wanted to do when working but didn't have time for (going out for lunch, daytime cinema, meeting friends for coffee, going to the gym, more regular hair appointmentsm, hobbies, reading), and part of it is just having more leisure time to spot things that I didn't realise I wanted before I saw them.

exactly, and your resentment at him being at home with the kids isn't going to go away - it will get worse and worse and your relationship could well fall apart under the strain. Does he realise how upset and anxious about this and how unfair he is being?

Downsize commitments? Well I'm sure we could a bit. It would be difficult though - we could sell the house I suppose and move somewhere smaller. We could take the children out of their schools. Dunno what happens about trying to help them a bit through university. I just don't know why he wants to bail like this.

As for his spending going up with more leisure time, I think it would work okay. He is very good at being frugal - too good sometimes - so often if I suggest a meal out or something he will say he can't afford it, when of course he can, he would just prefer not to spend the money.

Any chance that Dh could get a flexible contract for a while that would allow him to spend more time with the DC and retain his working life also. Has he sprung this as a surprise do you think there is something at work that caused it?

He's been talking about it off and on since he turned 50. Only this time he is very serious and "doesn't want me going off the deep end again"

You really need to talk about this, and I think you might need counselling. I think he is being hugely unfair and that you will really resent him if he goes ahead with this plan. I suspect there is something going on at work or in his head.

I think he's being unreasonable given that your job isn't secure, tbh.

I think he needs to wait a couple of years just to see how the economy does.

He's worked for 30 years? So what? My dad worked from the time he was 7 and didn't retire till he was 67 because he felt he had a duty to us and to make sure his pension was as good as it could be to cover him in old age or his wife in case of his death.

My landlord's been working since he was 9, FT since 15 and he's 60 and still working. He has a child (now grown), too.

NO, that's not on when you have young kids just say, 'Well, I'm not working anymore because I don't fancy it.'

I think he's being unreasonable given that your job isn't secure, tbh.

I think he needs to wait a couple of years just to see how the economy does.

He's worked for 30 years? So what? My dad worked from the time he was 7 and didn't retire till he was 67 because he felt he had a duty to us and to make sure his pension was as good as it could be to cover him in old age or his wife in case of his death.

My landlord's been working since he was 9, FT since 15 and he's 60 and still working. He has a child (now grown), too.

NO, that's not on when you have young kids just say, 'Well, I'm not working anymore because I don't fancy it.'

I'm not sure that this 'small part-time job' that he wants to get will even be out there. There are so many people who would love to have a part-time job that will fit around school hours that they tend to be like gold-dust and usually quite poorly paid. Has he found examples of jobs that he could get?

Thanks for your perspectives - it's just I am really worried about this - I thought we were in it together.

He would be able to retire with a fairly minute pension and he does say that he will try to find a small part-time job but tbh that would be nowhere near enough.

'go off the deep end'? eh?

and he thinks heaping all this on you whilst he kicks back is going to help how, exactly?

Is he expecting you to carry on working full-time past the age of 53? Has he even thought that far ahead?

I think that if you agree to this there will be a lot of resentment - even more so if you have to look into downsizing, changing schools etc.

k, so he 'will try' to find a 'small part-time job'.

righty-o.

i'm with mabanana here, when you decide to have kids late in life you pretty much give up fantasies of early retirement unless you've made a couple of mil.

and seriously, the 'i've been working 30 years' in no argument at all.

pretty soon, we're almost all going to be working till we drop.

NO ONE is entitled to spending decades 'retired' just because they worked. big deal.

so do 90%+ of the population.

In his mind, this is all linked with his parents' death. They died 10 and 11 years ago leaving him some money which we put towards the mortgage. I mean we already had the house but it helped pay a chunk of it off so he thinks I owe him this.

But following his logic, if we do have to itemise out financial contribution to the marriage, my parents have contributed massively in the form of unpaid childcare and I do earn a bit more and have done for the past ten years. So his thought processes are not logical in this respect.

I would ask him to provide you with a detailed account, year by year, of how the money situation is going to pan out for you.

Perhaps then he will realise how much money there really is, and how much of the burden will fall upon you.

not the best timing "credit crunch" and all that, everything going up in price....can he wait a year or two?