DH wants to retire - leaving me in charge of paying the bills - am worried about this

[Soleproviderpressure]

Forgive me for namechanging for this - know people in RL on the site.

Both my DH and I work full time OTH. My DH is ten years older than me - now 53 and would like to retire from his job. The problem is that we have children who are still at primary school and an ocean of financial commitments.

It would be great to have someone at home more. He maintains he will get a small part-time job. He is also not especially well- nothing life-threatening but a long term health problem so this would be good for his health.

We can just about meet our financial commitments on my salary but I am literally terrified of the prospect because my job is very insecure (don't want to say what it is because will out myself) particularly nowadays. I mean very insecure - a round of redundancies was announced last week.

We've always had the luxury of knowing that if one of us did lose our jobs, we could survive courtesy of the others salary. This security is about to be eliminated and I am really worried if it is just down to me that I might let everyone down.

if he got arsey, i'd draw up a new spreadsheet to show him.

it would show all the benefits you'd receive as a lone parent if you split and/or what the CSA would consider the maintenance he needs to pay on his kids from his pension after the split .

maybe it would change his mind to know that you might be better off financially as a lone parent than with someone who retired because they are sick of working .

How did he make it car to you that you not working was not an option? Perhaps you could employ some of the same techniques to convince him that he too has no option but to continue to work?

Sorry - 'clear' not 'car'!

ditto expats last post

It was gut first reaction to the op

He told me that I could give up work providing I could still meet half the bills (bills which could be met out of one salary). Since obviously I could not do that, it was an impossibility. I would have liked a couple of years out tbh but it wasn't even considered.

Yes perhaps I should try that technique. Good plan. I really liked the divorce spreadsheet scenario as well.

You don't think I am going off the deep end?

Worried that I am being unreasonable - perhaps I should have posted in AIBU.

um, no, you are not going off the deep end.

he's being a selfish twat.

Probably not a helpful comment but this situation would have me questionnig whether I wanted to say in the marriage (but I can be prone to extreme reactions in some cases ).

A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, 1 person in it can't just decide that they are going to do what they want and screw the consequences for the other person (and other family members in terms of your LOs).

I would be laying down the law, you are a partnership. It's your joint responsibility to support your family, neither of you can just decide to leave work without a totally robust and watertight plan for future financial security.

Sorry but his comments re: his parents in heritance and him working longer than you are total bullshit. He needs to be providing her and now and in the future, the past is done and dusted and can't be used as a bargaining tool.

Good luck

Just to add in response to your last post, YANBU.

Would you feel reasonable in coming home one day and announcing you were quitting work with no thought for your family's security??

You most definitely are not being unreasonable!
He is being selfish, I think expat has talked a lot of sense here

Why not turn his argument back against him "As you so rightly/forcefully/astutely/peevishly said to me xx years ago, you can stop working if you can still meet half the bills".

Well said bran. Couldn't have put it better myself!

yanbu - this really should be a joint decision.

nevertheless, speaking more generally, this seems to be what some women do to men once children have appeared.

Serioulsy, this is showing you no respect or kindness whatsoever - is here anything going on at work that you don't know about? is he actually worried about losing his job and wshing to cover it up by leaping before he's pushed?

if not then he is opting out of being a husband and father - a provider for his family etc

just because you could just scrape by now doesn't mean as your children grow older that things won't get more expensive

He's being outrageously unreasonable. YANBU!!! I'd do the divorce spreadsheet. I'd also discuss with him why he didn't let you take maternity but he can do this - seems woefully unfair & personally I think maternity more justifiable than just retiring at 53. In this day and age retiring at 53 seems very very young. I'm in my 30s now and fully expect to be working until 70 or so - I think that that's becoming the norm, esp if you might live to 80+. The fact that your job is so insecure, esp now, makes it even more outrageous of him. Who does his think he is to be supported by you from 53??

Can quite understand if/why you might feel bitter. Do you love him and want to stay married to him? Does he love you? Think perhaps there might be bigger issues here, as he's totally unreasonable and out of order, imo. Show him this thread!

Some questions to direct at your DH:

Will he be doing all the childcare - ie can you get rid of nanny/childminder?

If not, what will he be doing and how will he be paying for it?

Will you be allowed to retire at 53?

When your parents die, will any inheritance you get be "banked" in the same way to benefit only you - rather than the family as a whole?

He may have worked for 10 years more than you, but he has had 10 more years to spend money on only himself (ie before kids came along), so presumably he can see that argument is nonsense?

Why does he expect you to foot all the bills now when he refused to do so when you had small babies?

I agree with all the posters here, he is being incredibly selfish.

But I'm trying to be fair and see the other side. If he genuinely hates his job and feels that he would be better doing something else on reduced hours, then the time for him to start looking for this "dream/non existant" part time low pressure job ( oh and if he finds it do tell me as I'd quite fancy it too) is now, not when he actually retires. Why not call his bluff and see if he can find something suitable and then see how your family budget would work on that.

i'd show him this thread, because it's not just about you and him even.

it's about your still young children and their futures.

i still think mabana's point is very valid: when you chose to have children later in life that usually means early retirement is something that's compromised unless you've managed to whack away a couple mil.

truly, the only folks most of us know who pulled it off either switched gears careerwise, had kids young or didn't have kids at all.

fair enough if you hate your job, then you have to find someting else to do or at least start retraining now for something there's a realistic chance of working in in these crazy times.

If he was going to do this, surely it would have to be on the basis that he sorts out a new part-time job first, one with which both of you are happy, and you do the budgets and make sure you have enough to be covered?

Or what about exploring the possibility of keeping his current job but doing it part-time? He presumably has the right to ask for flexible working, as your children are so small?

It is much easier to get a new job while you still have your old one, iyswim.

I would be very wary about this if I were you (and I speak as the sole breadwinner in my household).

I also have a minor health problem that would be much better if I didn't have the stress of working but that's just tough - I don't have the choice.

53 is ridiculously young to retire, imo. My grandfather used to pray that he would "die in harness" ie die before he had to retire. Not a bad attitude, I think.

Good point sixspot. Asking for flexible working at current position is an excellent idea.

Got to agree that the argument "you can retire if you can still meet half the bills" cuts both ways. Worrying that he seems to think very much in terms of 'his' money and 'your' money; his inheritance paid of a chunk of mortgage on the house his family have to live in for at least the next fifteen years. That's called providing for your children, presumably exactly what his parents thought they were doing when they left him the money.

It's worth considering as well, what would happen if you got ill? Would he go back out to work? How does he keep his hand in to make this possible?

Strikes me as completely mad for him to be considering this at a time of such awful financial uncertainty. If he really think the kids need a parent around more (not unreasonable) then logically you should give up work, not him.

I am supporting a chronically ill husband and a 3 year old ds, and I have to say the pressure is horrendous and I have a very safe job (touch wood). Please don't do this to yourself - or your family. Or rather, please don't let him do it.

Thank you so much for all your insights. I really appreciate them. He only very reluctantly acknowledges that this is a decision that is ours to take together; he actually thinks it should be a decision for him to take alone.

On the question as to whether there is anything going on at work that I don't know about - I honestly don't think so - he's been thinking about this for a long time.

'He only very reluctantly acknowledges that this is a decision that is ours to take together; he actually thinks it should be a decision for him to take alone.'

It's a family decision because it affects you, him and the children he chose to bring into this world.

If that's the way he goes round thinking, tb, I'd go and see a counsellor on my own to figure out some strategies for being married to such a selfish person.

If he was thinking about it a long time, then as a responsible parent he should have been making preparations for it loooonnngg before this, not just 'There, I'm retiring and not going back full time for the rest of what may be a very long life.'