Apparently h's 29yr old ow is more fun and happier than me! No Shit!!

[WhirlingStirling]

I am not really looking for a response. I know I will just feel better ranting for a few minutes.

We were trying (again) to see if we could make things work after his affair. He had promised (again) not to contact her but told me last night, when questioned, that he had taken her for lunch just 2 weeks ago when he was in her country. He hadn't offered this info - yet again I had to question him. So, she is more fun than me and they can go out whenever they want (guess what?? She has no dc!)

He doesn't really want to be married to me anymore but he still wants things to carry on as normal in the house, for the dc's sake. So he thinks I will still be cooking and cleaning for him

Well (as Custy so eloquently put in an earlier thread) Fuck Him and the Horse he Rode in on!!

You know - I am feeling slightly better already! Thank You

Oh Elastamum so sorry you are going through this too. Has your h actually left? Must be so hard being on your own. How are the dc taking it (if there are any)?

I am worried about how our dc will take any kind of split.

Georgimama - you know I dont recall having to fight through crowds of women to get to h, but he did used to be very shy.

I think now he is a bit older and more confident he feels he could do well on the open market!

As you say, he may get more than a girl! He never used protection when he was with ow so he is lucky it hasn't dropped off yet!!

Definitely mid-life crisis! My h is 38, but apparently can happen younger than that.

My h is inconsistent too. Some days he is adamant he doesn't want to be married anymore and then he can be nice and pay me compliments. Told me Monday he had the serious hots for me! Probably because he wasn't visiting Hungary this week.

Dc in bed now and want to talk to him more as still keep getting "dont know" for an answer when I try to question him.

Weird your h's ow is 29 too - she isn't hungarian is she??

Someone older, more mature with a bit of cash to spend on them. What do they care about who is hurt along the way?

Actually, h told me she was 29 a year ago so she must be 30 now but he wont tell me when her birthday is. I only want to send her a card

Yes, let's find out slunt's birthday and send her a prezzie.

[pulls out How to assemble a letter bomb instructions and hands it to Stirling*]

Thanks Alexa

oh ws am sorry to read this - as you may remember I am in somewhat similar position and your OH's statement about "maybe he just needs to be single for a while as he didn't play around enough before we married" has just reminded me of my OH's pronouncemnets when he was drunk a coupl eof weeks ago.

bloody male mid-life crises!

I am still hoping me and OH can slavage something, as far as I know he hasn't had out and out affair, but I'd find it so much harder in your situation where he has, and is still going to see this woman

I think you need to get him out, for a while at least. He does need to face up to his comittment to you. Either he is committed to a "monogamous relationship of equal partners" (my sister's words, I use them as a bit of a mantra now) or he isn't. If he can't decide, well then he isn't.

We are meeting our counsellor tomorrow for "big chat" and I will be prseenting the situation to my OH in exactly those terms.

good luck - I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.

men. pah!

Exactly, regularly, why do these bloody men get to decide? Doesn't their wife have a say in the direction of her life?

If my DH "wasn't sure" about our relationship then I would take that as a signal that he wanted our relationship to be over, but lacked the courage to say so and wanted to let things limp along until I became so miserable that I left him.

At which point it would of course be my fault.

That's what these OH are doing, even if they won't admit it.

georgimama I think it is often because the women do want to stay in the relationship - but under honest and committed circumstances. The women are generally happy but, in my case at least, a vague sense of unease has crept in over the years (since having the kids - what a surprise ) and I am no longer happy to keep going with that vague sense of illcontent on his part (and now on mine it has to be said). I suppose in a way they get to make the decision because it is their lack of ability to remain committed to the "monogomous relationship of equal partners" that has forced the issue. My real beef with my own situation and those I hear on here so often i sthat they actually DON'T make decisions, but force the woman, who actually wants to stay and try to make things better, to make that decision for them. So then it can be hands in the air and blame someone else time.

Blardy cowards as well!

That is exactly how it is ROW - I have even asked h today if this is all part of a plan to piss me off so much I will kick him out, then he can say he didn't walk away. But he assure me, no, he doesn't want me to kick him out.

The problem is georgi that you desperately want the family to stay together, especially if you still feel some love for your h, so you dont want to kick them out because you truly hope that one morning they will wake up and look at you in the way that they used to. But as time goes on you are not sure if that will ever happen

oh yes, mine assures me too that he is not trying to force me to make decision, but he stays happily up in spare room watching footie and talks ominously about what might come out of tomorrow's meeting with counsellor, all the while telling me he doesn't know what I'm going to say (so this feeling of dread is all down to me) - well, I've told him, I'll give it one more go as long as he makes an effort. So presumably he'll tell me he isn't prepared to make that effort and then it'll be down to me again.

Ho Hum.

Wishing you well WS, from my limbo hell to yours

(do you know what though, it's starting to feel bloody normal having him in the spare room, I'm quite liking it actually - he can keep all his mess up there and I don't have to see it and the kids can climb in with me of a morning so I get a snuggle, never get a bloody morning snuggle from him when we are in bed together - what the hell does this mean??? eh??? eh???? - not trying to hijack - this just dawned on me this minute!)

It strikes me that there are an awful lot of men middle aged boys that quite simply want to have their cake and eat it.
They want a wife to cook, clean, wash their clothes and generally mother them, but they want some unattached young bimbo to make them feel like a young stud.
I can't help feeling that this is because they never actually manage to mature like women do- they are completely incapable of growing up. Therefore we have to accept that, quite simply, we have out-grown them.

I know that it is easier said than done, but as a single mum, I do know that life is happier for the whole family if you are single and able to become the strong woman that you are inside. Being in the situation that you are in at the moment can only damage you. It will be hard for you and the kids, but it will get easier and eventually they will have a whole new respect for you.

Sorry if this sounds like an essay but yours was one of the first posts I ever read on mumsnet (lurked alot and have namechanged a few times). I remember always thinking how strong and together you seemed, even when you felt that you were falling apart. I hate to see people I respect being treated badly by pathetic little boys that don't deserve them

I know WS, I really really feel for you, but my mum put up with 25 years of that from my dad, before the time he eventually left her and she turned around and refused to have him back when he came running.

If you let him walk all over you, he will. Why wouldn't he? You would hope he wouldn't out of love and respect, but if he loved and respected you, he wouldn't be entangled with a bimbo would he?

I dont think I would let this situation carry on much longer. I sort of have it in my mind that November (12 months since finding out about this sordid mess) I hope to make a definite decision.

If I still feel then that this isn't going to work then I dont want to compromise. I deserve to be loved (even worshipped ) and dont want to put up with this mess and then find in my 60's that I am on my own.

Lurcio Thanks so much for your message. You too sound very strong. Isn't it amazing how us women just get on with it. We may spend a while feeling sorry for ourselves and having a damn good cry, but then you wipe the tears away and just get on with it. Because you have to.

Bloody men! I think you are right, they are just little boys still.

ROW I am surprisingly happy now when h is away with work and I can watch what I want, sleep sprawled across the bed and, like you say, have the dc in for a cuddle!

It is hard to see sometimes, but we will be the happy ones in the end. Maybe men are just programmed to never feel satisfied with their situation. There must be something better, but they wont realise what they have till it is gone.

I dont think it is a case of letting these men walk over them.
If the man has been having an affair then he has a head-start in the knowing what he wants - and still cant bloody decide.

Women are often faced with the shock of the potential end to their marriage as well as HAVING to carry on as normal with regaurds to childcare ect. And believe me you cannot think past the next few minutes at times let alone making a decision that will effect your and your dcs life for ever.

Dont feel bad that you are not ready to 'kick' them out - this is your deciding time too remember.

The limbo is really hard though - all i can suggest is to do things for you now not to save the marriage but to make you a better person in some way.

They are little boys - they want you to tell them what to do - like ending the marriage. They dont like to miss out on anything either. And just like a spoilt child they just want it without really knowing why.

WS - i will bet that the minute you decide you have had enough he will be begging you to make another go of it - its all part of the script.

Oh HappyWoman, he definitely, definitely will be begging for another go of things if WS decides she has had enough. My father did, repeatedly, for 25 years. As you say, it is part of the script. Their script. The time comes to choose a different bloody script.

What is so sad and pathetic is that these men (and sometimes women, they stray too of course) cannot be made to see where things will end up, when they are caught up in the delirium of the affair.

You are probably right - when they know that the wife is no longer an option, then that is what they want.

We had a massive row on Sunday - when I found out he had taken her to lunch 2 weeks earlier. I really ripped into him and called him every name (turned into a proper fish wife). Then I slept on the settee.

The next day he told me he knew for the first time in ages that he wanted to be with me. But that feeling does waver apparently.

I think I need to be nasty to him more often

WS - i remember the dreadful laungage i used - i even swore at the headteacher when i was telling them all what was going on. But at least the anger came out.

I think the best thing to do is to be the best YOU can now - he may well want you but even if he doesnt you know you are wonderful. Be true to yourself.

Just an update - Things are still so up and down and he told me again that he is missing the whore ow.

So on Wed I gave him one more ultimatum. To really try again or go for a trial separation. He has gone for the latter. To be honest, I feel relieved. I am just really angry that she will now get her hands on him. But, Fuck Him and the Whore

I am out tonight with a friend. We are going on the train to Edinburgh and may have a few drinks. Obviously I will be accompanied by h's credit card!!

Slutty top, skirt and boots are ready

Im really sorry WS - but you are doing the best you can and glad you are going out with a mate - best thing you could do!

Keep us updated

Hello WS, I too have followed your threads -always think you seem such a nice person..you are so kind to and supportive of others and I am so sorry to read this thread. He really doesn't deserve you. I hope you have a great time in the 'burgh tonight (live just outside!) and rack up some pounds on his card!