why some people don't like to discipline their children in front of others

[thinkofanewname]

There have lots of threads about OPs who don't discipline their children and I just want to say why I feel so sensitive about it.

I split up from my partner when pregnant and then moved cities when 8 months pregnant. Consequently was really worried about meeting people, feeling isolated etc.

But found the opposite was true and made some great friends. One woman I became best mates with and our babies were always together. At 15 months I returned to work part time through obvious necessity. But around this time my son became very difficult. He started waking at 5, fussy eating and worst being aggressive to other children.

He was badly behaved, I totally accept that but I did EVERYTHING in my power to try to stop this behaviour and had sleepless nights over it. I even consulted a specialist. Fortunately it was just the terrible twos come very early and he outgrew it but not before I had been judged horribly by this 'friend' and others.

She said that he was this way because he didn't see his father (not that that was any choice on my behalf), because he went to nursery three days a week, etc She made me feel that he was a terrible child and I was a terrible mother. Anyway, she dropped me and I was really hurt. She also did this to two other people whose children became badly behaved which helped make me feel better.

But I developed my own way of discipling my son, I would take him off and speak to him and decided what I felt was acceptable and not acceptable behaviour.

Now he is a lovely well behaved 5 year old but I felt for a long time really judged and a bit damaged by that period. I felt really defensive on behalf of myself and my son. I wish at the time I had stood up to her and said 'he is only 18 months old and it is normal behaviour' but at the time I didn't know if it was normal as all my friend's children had yet to reach that stage.

Anyway even to this day, I bristle when someone tells off my son. I like to do it myself and feel this is the case with many parents. One of my friends who was also very judged by this woman and others because of her son's behaviour (and is also now a lovely 5 year old) is equally and more so defensive.

I think it's important for children to have lots of people in their lives. When adults have different boundaries, so the children learn that not all people think like they do. I think when it comes to parents telling other parents how to bring up their children, a line has been crossed. Frankly it is rude and unacceptable to tell another parent what they are doing wrong (as though the teller is perfect).

I have no problem with other people telling my dcs to stop doing what they are doing if they do not find it acceptable. They are children FGS! Sorry this is a little incoherent!

I think there's a bit of confusion here over what we mean by disciplining. It is one thing to tell another person's child of acceptable boundaries like 'let the other boy have a turn on the swing now' etc but it's another to say 'you've been really mean to 'x' so now you can't have an ice cream'

I think most people are comfortable with other parents reminding their child of general rules, and telling them to behave acceptably, but when it comes to following up with actual punishments and strong criticism of a child's bad behaviour, then(for me anyway) it's not automatically acceptable for other people to punish a child who is not their own.

I would feel very uncomfortable doling out a punishment to another person's child (unless they had been extremely naughty). I would tell the parents of the child's wrongdoing and leave them to follow up, whether in front of me or later in private.

And also I think sometimes people really enjoy telling off your kid as they get a superiority kick out of it, really grandstanding - 'look at me, I'm so experience, such a great parent, your kids are so inferior'. Not always, of course. But definitely sometimes.

And also I think sometimes people really enjoy telling off your kid as they get a superiority kick out of it, really grandstanding - 'look at me, I'm so experience, such a great parent, your kids are so inferior'. Not always, of course. But definitely sometimes.

I really think that it depends on what the other child is doing, something minor I might just ignore rather than get involved. But there have been many occasions I have told off someone else's child (both those I know, and those I don't e.g. in the playpark) here are a couple of examples from yesterday: a 3 or 4 yr old boy I did not know bit my daughter extremely hard (leaving awful teeth marks) for no particular reason (he wanted a car she was playing with). I told him off sternly and asked him who his mother was and then took him over to her and she told him off too; (ii) two little children aged about 3 and 5 spitting on the slide in the playpark - I told them to stop and pointed out quite firmly that it was not a nice thing to do as that is just not acceptable!

I would never try and discipline another child though - if I consider they need disciplining (such as the biting incident) then I'd take them to their parent for that. I have seen people tell DD1 off too and I'm fine with that.

I agree with tigermoth about actual discipline, as everyone has such a different measure when it comes down to reprimand. Reminding and guiding is fine, discipline crosses the line... and is a parents role...informong a parent when they are not directly present is also fine.. I hope people would tell me when mt little darling is having a horrible moment...as they all do, in the normal line of development!!!

I can really see where you're coming from thinkofanewname - I have a really good friend that I have known since our sons were just a few weeks old and we clicked really early on. Then at about 18 mnths her son started being really aggressive to my son and it was so hard - on the one hand I loved this new friend and her son, on the other my little boy would be bursting into tears every two seconds cos his little mate would be hitting/biting/scratching him. She was actually fine with me telling him off but personally I just wanted her to deal with him more harshly (time out, etc). In the end I pulled back, stopped seeing her as often even though it was really hard but it just got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable 'cos I couldn't stand the way her little boy kept hurting mine.

Reading your message makes me realise that she may have been hurt by this, but it wasn't something we could actually talk about - I think some things involving your kids are too hard - but when his behaviour improved (a good 12/18 months after) I started making regular contact again. I think it's taken a while but we're almost back on track to where we are.

I just wanted to reply to let you know that it's really hard from both sides, and I don't think there is a perfect answer. I can't believe she was so judgemental and started attacking the fact that your a single mum and had to go back to work though - that is actually pretty nasty and she has no right to do that. Loads of children go thru hitting/biting stages and that has nothing to do with going back to work,etc - with my friend's little boy it was pure frustration, the minute he could talk properly his behaviour was much better. I hope you've made some more mummy friends that are much nicer than that judgemental cow anyway.

Oh and I do agree with the idea of community parenting, that's a lovely notion - there will always be some idiots that go too far, but then hey maybe that's life and our kids learning what numpties there are out there. As long as we're around to oversee, it's all fine.

I think that if a friend really knows and respects you they will know what your boundaries are and vice versa.

The other week DH was home for once when the crowd decended on our house - about 8 2 year olds causing merry hell

One DC started hitting the tv screen, now DD would have been told a sharp no and removed from the screen and we talk to her to explain it is dangerous. She very rarely does it anymore.

DH treated the other DC in the same way. I kind of froze as I knew the mum would have done the same but DH got there first. She was over the moon that someone had disciplined him so she could carry on her coffee drinking

I can think of a few that were there who DH would not have dealt with, he would have asked them to intervene but as we know the family well we know they have similar rules to us and it worked well.

I would never physically remove another DC unless they were in danger but I will quite confidently talk calmly to them and tell them what they are doing is not acceptable/unkind etc.

I have been reading your posts here with interest particularly in relation to community parenting. I have been in this situation before when another child hurts my dd and have never thought of disciplining them etc although after reading these posts it has made me think that perhaps i would in an appropriate way if the situation arose again and the parent was not intervening. I think it is a very difficult situation though.

A number of you have mentioned community parenting and a collective responsibility for child rearing. I wondered what you thought about intervening when witnessing parents reprimanding their children in public in a way that is demoralising for the child, for example, shouting at them, hitting them, dragging them perhaps in town or in a supermarket etc Sometimes even parents leaving their babies to cry while they ignore them. Is it our responsibility to interevene and make it known to the parent that this is not acceptable way to treat children i.e we don't find it acceptable to treat adults like this.

When I have been out with my dd in town for example and she been with me when there is a parent talking to their child in a demoralising way or shouting at them and my dd is listening. I feel that in a way by not intervening I am giving an implicit message that this way of treating a child is ok. Equally the child being treated like this may also think it is acceptable as no other adults have intervened etc.

I think perhaps it is our collective resonsibility but I have never interevened on behalf of a child in this way but I have often felt that I should.

I know that perhaps this is slightly different but I was surprised to see how many people would be prepared to discipline other children and I wondered if the same was true of the parents behaviour.