why some people don't like to discipline their children in front of others

[thinkofanewname]

There have lots of threads about OPs who don't discipline their children and I just want to say why I feel so sensitive about it.

I split up from my partner when pregnant and then moved cities when 8 months pregnant. Consequently was really worried about meeting people, feeling isolated etc.

But found the opposite was true and made some great friends. One woman I became best mates with and our babies were always together. At 15 months I returned to work part time through obvious necessity. But around this time my son became very difficult. He started waking at 5, fussy eating and worst being aggressive to other children.

He was badly behaved, I totally accept that but I did EVERYTHING in my power to try to stop this behaviour and had sleepless nights over it. I even consulted a specialist. Fortunately it was just the terrible twos come very early and he outgrew it but not before I had been judged horribly by this 'friend' and others.

She said that he was this way because he didn't see his father (not that that was any choice on my behalf), because he went to nursery three days a week, etc She made me feel that he was a terrible child and I was a terrible mother. Anyway, she dropped me and I was really hurt. She also did this to two other people whose children became badly behaved which helped make me feel better.

But I developed my own way of discipling my son, I would take him off and speak to him and decided what I felt was acceptable and not acceptable behaviour.

Now he is a lovely well behaved 5 year old but I felt for a long time really judged and a bit damaged by that period. I felt really defensive on behalf of myself and my son. I wish at the time I had stood up to her and said 'he is only 18 months old and it is normal behaviour' but at the time I didn't know if it was normal as all my friend's children had yet to reach that stage.

Anyway even to this day, I bristle when someone tells off my son. I like to do it myself and feel this is the case with many parents. One of my friends who was also very judged by this woman and others because of her son's behaviour (and is also now a lovely 5 year old) is equally and more so defensive.

In my experience, 3 yr olds get the 'naughty' label when they repeatedly hurt other kids, break stuff, throw tantrums etc. Their own behaviour, in other words.

Not because their mother tells them "James, it is not OK to snatch toys from others. Now give it back to Claire" in front of other children.

Do you know the OP CoteDAzure?

I don't think we can safely assume anything about the OP beyond what she has posted.

No, sometimes it is interfering on behalf of the other parent.

As I said before a friend told my son off for not lifting up the toilet seat. Although I can understand her not liking it (she has 2 dds)she didn't know he did this because we had said to him not to lift it up because he had had an incident where the seat had hit his willy. He was hurt by this and so reverted to weeing in his pants. So to try to rectify this, we told him not to lift the seat up for the time being. This was in my house and I realise she didn't know what had happened. But it was in my opinion none of her business.

I think when the parent is there you let them deal with something in their own way unless it is something terrible and they are not dealing with it.

only read the first post, but perhaps the 'friend' had thoughts on how a child should behave - and her child conformed to it, but as well know kids are all different. it will come n bite her on the bum! 've alwyas had the ethos that if I don't see it but someone else does, as long as it's not nasty

as for the telling kids off in public - I don't like to tell DS off in public if I can help it - but on the other hand sometimes needs must.

as XH isn't here for 12 days out of 14 it falls to the 'wider' community - ie extended family members and indeed adults int he toddler groups etc to tell him off if he's being naughty. i've alwasy had the ethos that as long as it's not in a nasty way they tell him off & rant & rave at him then I have no problem with it. a good example is he doens't always listen to me at my parents/nans house but he WILL listen to dad or nans partner so in those instances they'll tell him off and I don't mind - I do however mind when her partner smacks his legs but that's another debate!

I do disaplin my son btw more than most prob as i'm on my own n have something to 'prove' but as I say if I don't see him do something and someone else does then by all means say 'J that's not a nice play, or J please share' etc but not J your a horrid naughty nasty little boy give it back'

ok tonight have a little boy for tea, he is 7 but has behavioural problems, will randomly push over my son and laugh.

His dad will be there and if/when that happens he will tell him off.

I don't think it appropriate that I wade in and tell him off as his Dad will do it.

MP - If we were only allowed to comment on OPs we know in RL, MN would be a very quiet place.

When she comes back, perhaps OP can enlighten us on the nature of the 'misbehaviour' that caused a good friend to dump her, like I asked this morning:

By CoteDAzur on Fri 26-Sep-08 08:31:13
I would like to know what 'misbehaving' OP's DS was doing, which led to her good friend breaking contact with her, and what OP's reaction to her DS was at times of such behavior.

ok, cotdazur - what he was doing was being aggressive to some other children including her own son.

This was totally unacceptable and I always told him not, picked him up and moved him and if necessary left. I was teaching him to say sorry but she said that there's no point.

I completely agree that I wouldn't have liked it the other way around if someone was hitting my son but my DS was only 15 months old. I always watched him and intervened if there was an incident.

He fortunately outgrew this stage very early - before 2 and I saw many other children grow into it.

what I didn't like was her labelling him as a 'naughty' child when he was behaving in the way that many toddlers do but was the first of our group to behave that way.

the thing is thou all kids go thru this stage, it's not fair to lable him so young when it's normal development. A friend of mine's little boy is going thru the same thing right now - the thing is thou we've all been there, she tells him off etc, there's no problem.

why did you friend say there was no point in teaching him to say sorry? I know he's a bit young but it's still the idea of it iycwim.

he was being naughty, toddlers often are

when they are told off they learn that it is not acceptable to e.g. be aggressive as your son was, otherwise, how will they know?

I think some people just like to believe that they do everything right and they have a right to tell others what to do. There are many different ways to parent and being judgemental is unacceptable

Just trying to clarify whether you were commenting on the posts that the OP had made, had more information or were making assumptions about a complete stranger.

The disagreement was over how to 'discipline' a 'naughty' 15 month old? 15 months old????

I'll get my coat.

What exactly is "being aggressive"? Hitting? Pushing? Snatching? Snatching the toy and beating other child with it?

Sorry if this sounds like an interrogation, but I would be interested to hear.

Many children this age (~ 12-18 months) are aggressive because they don't know what they are doing. It's OK as long as their mums react to this and correct the situation (give back snatched toy, admonish him for having hurt another child, etc) others don't go around disciplining everyone else's children, let alone break off contact with best mates.

wanted to add but your "friend" sounds like a really nasty person

but we should be able to discipline our children on front of others, and even discipline theirs' if needs be

At 18 months my DN was like your DS. Everyone would tell him that "you do not bite" "you do not hit" he eventually got the message. SIL said she was grateful for the support in making it clear what was okay and not.

Friends are supposed to support each other and she sounds like she was making you feel even worse than you did already!

I won't tell off someone else's child unless they are doing something obviously bad that most people would think of as wrong eg hurting someone or doing something dangerous or breaking something. 'Lesser' misbehaviours are ok to let go and wait to see if their mother steps in.

I have been pissed off at times when people have told off my children for relatively small things, sometimes things I would have let go because I don't think it is serious enough and I did feel like by doing that they were making a judgement on my parenting. I felt very defensive.

If one of my kids has done something bad like being aggressive and I haven't noticed and someone else tells them off then I think of that as a good thing.

It does piss me off when someone's child is going round hurting other kids and the mother is there but doing nothing about it.

fwiw, years ago when my strapping 14 year old ds was a toddler, I had one friend who used to get quite concerned over how naughty my ds was compared to her son who was much less excitable and quieter. She used to wonder out loud if it was because I worked full time, unlike her....

Fast forward to now, and her ds is a teenage handful at the moment while mine, though no angel, is a lot easier to live with. Things could change again, but toddler behaviour IME is no guarantee of what lies ahead.

I agree and was talking to the friend tonight whose 7 year old boy has alot of behavioural problems as suggested on this thread about how she would feel if I told him off while she was there if he did something bad.

She said that she would expect it if she wasn't there but would feel undermined if she was.

To the OP - how would your friend have reacted if you'd had to have told her DS off (for a valid reason, of course)? I don't mind my DS's being told off by friends particularly, but what sometimes annoys me with certain of my friends is if they are happy to tell my DS's off but react badly if their own DCs are reprimanded by others...

I was brought up by the people where I lived (I'm Asian) I really liked it and I learned to respect other people. I don't feel that one person telling a child what ot do is a good idea. I have met some people who don't discipline and their values aren't so sharp. As a result, their child was self centered and very rude. this seemed to be ok wit h parents, but it set a bad example for my children when we would be out and the girl wouldn't say thank you after I'd buy her an ice cream. The mother opposed anyone telling off the child though.

Hmm....I have been in situations when someone else's kid was being really mean and nasty to one of my kids while mum is absent from the room, then the minute my kid did something the other person thought was 'wrong' (eg taking the toy back the other kid had wrenched from their hand) the other parent walks back in the room and is instantly a picture of sanctimony and finger wagging saying 'give that back right now! In this house we have rules about snatching' etc. I would guess she might think she was taking part in community parenting, but it drives me nuts!

I think it's really sad that so many of you feel it undermines your parenting to have others tell your child off. We all have a collective responsibility to teach children right from wrong as so many posters have said and I am very worried by the isolated parenting so many subscribe to.

I recently went on holiday with my best friend, her DH and their two children and my DS. If we hadn't felt able to chastise one another's children, it would have been a disaster to be honest. We'd have forever been saying 'spi-ice, your DS is hitting my DD!' rather than just dealing with the situation.

Have more confidence in yourselves. Just because someone tells your child off doesn't mean they think you're a crap parent, it just means that they are behaving in an unacceptable way. All children do that. I'm not talking about your 'friend' OP who frankly sounds like a nasty piece of work. But these are two different issues and I don't think it's very helpful to conflate them.

I would expect another adult to praise my child if she did something praise-worthy and therefore would expect them to point out to her when her behavior is not acceptable. As I would do with her and the other children we spend time with.

Discipline is not about being told-off it is about showing what is and isn't acceptable and this takes more than one adult whether they are related or not.

The Caribbean ladies I used to work with were insistent that it takes a village to raise a child very similar to the point and earlier poster made about fitting into society.

Since when did our kids become our personal property?

Sorry to hear this thinkofanewname, but i think it happens to many people.

I have a lively boy aged 26months and i know I am not strict - don;t want to squish a blossoming character, but also I take him off, have a chat and return, repeat.

I have a lot of experience of young children (theory and practice). I think this appraoch is perfectly acce[table and effective.

I do talk to other children in both postive and a guiding manner (not scolding, more advising e.g. make sure you are sharing, or be careful he is smaller/younger than you). .. and would expect others to do the same to my DS.

I have one friend who is currently distancing herself as her DS is not exhibiting the same sort of behaviour. I am saddened by this, but it is her choice and I am confident of my approach with my own child.

I am not judemental of her approach to child rearing and am sad she is being so judgemental of mine.