Husband surfing porn and lying about sexual tendencies

[Natacha21]

I have been with my DH for eight years, with two young children. Sex life has never been fantastic but OK.

I have recently discovered that he has been surfing porn for years (even when I am in the house: would turn off the computer as I enter a room !).
He also admitted that he has SM tendencies, likes to be dominated by women, he never told me as he realised I was not into it.

Basically I am not into SM, I like strong men (not those that like to be dominated) and, basically, he has lied to me. I feel cheated upon and I strongly feel that I can no longer trust him.

He is a good dad and a good partner (companionship is pretty good), we have a great house, great kids, live in a great area ..; in summary the rest is fine. I do not love him anymore but I do not want to break up the family. I am very confused about what to do, any advise ?

[Moomin]

You'll get a range if opinions on the actual porn but, in my own opinion, your dh sounds very 'normal' - in that he doesn't sound any different to many/most blokes who like looking at a bit of porn. The SM stuff is fairly run-of-the-mill stuff in sexual fantasies, so I wouldn't say he's a raving perv or anything.

However, if it makes you feel unhappy, then you both need to talk about it. In a relationship that is maybe more open and intimate, this might not be so much of a problem. You say you feel 'cheated' and you cannot trust him. How would you have felt if he'd always been very open about how he feels sexually?

Sadly, your penultimate sentence is the thing I would be worried about, not the porn. Sounds like he's a bit lonely... and you are too maybe?

[Emily3030]

It's interesting how we're all different, it really is. Personally, I have no problem with my BF enjoying porn, I don't see it as a break of trust or an infidelity, and I struggle to understand couples who do. But, obviously, it upsets you and you should talk about it with your DH. I agree with Natacha21, it really doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong to me.

[Moomin]

[Natacha21]

Thanks for your message, you make sense, and you are right in saying that he is not a perv. BUT, you have put your finger on it: if he had told me, I would not have stayed with him, and we would not be where we are bow ... Now, it is hard to keep loving somebody when you know that.

Can you please explain more what you mean with your last sentence (I am not a native english speaker)?

Thanks

[Lizzylou]

What we fantasise about is not necessarily what we want to actually experience.
Stick with it, talk things over, this is but one facet of your relationship.

[Natacha21]

Yes, we have talked but he says that it is just the way he is and cannot change himself. I think he does not want to lose me but he has not really try to seduce me back into the relationship we (once) had.

He is very careful with the kids and does it at night. I agree, that there seems to be some form of addiction.

[Moomin]

which/whose last sentence, Natacha?

[Natacha21]

Moomon,

Yours I think: "Sadly, your penultimate sentence is the thing I would be worried about, not the porn. Sounds like he's a bit lonely... and you are too maybe? "

[MrsParker]

I had this with my-exDH, he would look at porn most days, not SM, but it still left me feeling left out & alone. Felt unwanted.

But you say he is a good day/companion and your life is basically good. I feel sometimes you can't have everything, but i don't know if i could live without love. Maybe you need to try harder to find the love you once had. Make time for each other.
Alternatively you break up your family, really have to weigh up if you'd be happy without him. Maybe a single mum. Been there, can be hard.

[ladylush]

I'm not sure that many men would be happy with their wives secretly (but obviously)looking at images of naked men. I'm not anti-porn per se but women who say they can't understand why other women have a problem with porn, have obviously never had to deal with the fall out from porn addiction.

[eviz]

Natacha, penultimate means second to last..

So it was your reference to not loving your husband anymore that Moomin was commenting on.

(sorry to interrupt)

[BitOfFun]

When you say you do not love him, what do you mean exactly? I am a bit confused by your post?

[Northumberlandlass]

I'm a bit confused too. Do you not love him because you have found out about the porn / SM ? I personally don't have anything against porn and SM has varying degrees. TBH most men like to be dominated by women in the bed room (in my experience). But you are obviously very upset by this and feel like you have been betrayed. Is it the porn side (ie looking at other women) or the SM side that you find difficult to deal with ? I know you feel this is a huge betrayal, but I think you should talk to him, is he happy with your relationship and does he want to you involved in his fantasies ?

x

[Natacha21]

I think it is the MS side but most importantly, it is the fact that he lied to me, I really feel betrayed. And he won't really talk about it.

Why do I think I don't love him anymore ? You are correct that it is confusing, what I mean is that I do not fancy him anymore. I can't fancy somebdy who likes to be dominated, I feel like I have a wee boy in front of me and I like men. The fact that he fantasises on Internet is a real turn off for me.

I have tried to put it aside but it seems to be difficult to do so.

[noonki]

I think I would be upset at the 'hiding' it aspect,

but on the other hand he is hiding it because he knows that it upsets you and so is trying to protect you.

The same with the S&M he realised that you are not into it and so didn't go there.

It could be argued that he is being pretty sensitive towards your feelings.

Maybe you feel you don't love him anymore as you are feel you don't know him. After discovering that he is doing something you knew nothing about.

Don't do anything rash, explain that it has really upset you and ask him if he would be willing to stop watching porn, at least until you get your head around it

try doing lots of other things together, and go back to basics (romantic dinners etc)

[Natacha21]

Thank you for all your replies, if anybody out there experienced a husband addicted to porn, what did you do ?

Did he change his behaviour or did he just hide it more cleverly ?

I would really be interested in knowing what you did.

[pamelat]

Hello Natacha21

My DH is not addicted to porn but have posted on here today too. It seems that every year or so he goes back to having a look around and seeing whats out there (porn wise)

It really hurts me. I want to be fine about but I feel cheap and I feel that I don't know him. I will now feel inferior (in bed) if we do patch things up to, can't win.

No advice but you have my sympathy.

I think we need blokes views? Any men out there?

PS) DH has been looking at it once I have gone to bed. I am rarely up past 10pm as shattered with an 8 month old DD.

[ButIForgetMyself]

My DP looks at a couple of sites. It's usually (not always) deleted from the internet history, but still shows up in the drop-down address bar.

He hides it (so he thinks), but it doesn't bother me that he a) looks at it and b) hides it. He's probably embarrassed about it, I can identify with that. Similarly I'd hate him to know every single move I made, every single website I looked at.

I have enjoyed porn myself on occasion (relating to a particular fantasy of mine that I would never dream of carrying out in real life). It's not like I do it because I find my DP any less attractive or am bored with him in bed. Sometimes it's just the fact that I can and want to do it for myself. I delete it from the history too, for the simple reason that I don't want him to look up from his Weetabix one morning with raised eyebrow and say "Oh, so you were looking at so-and-so site last night were you?". I'd find that slightly out of place at the breakfast table (though DP would probably love to catch me at it!).

I know from my ex (who used to talk quite openly about it) that having a wank is completely devoid of emotion, it's just a case of getting your rocks off. No matter how good our sex life was, he'd still do it daily.

[Natacha21]

OK,

I perfectly understand that some woman do not see a pb in it, unfortunately I do. Thank you for your post Pamelat, I feel just the same as you: I feel cheap and I am starting to wonder if I have ever really known him. I am really not too sure what I am gonna do but all the comments I received have been very useful, thanks to everybody.

[morningpaper]

I really don't think it is WEAK men that like being dominated

You sound very confused about your feelings, to be honest

I really think that counselling might be more helpful - for both of you to explore your feelings - I think there may need to be a degree of compromise on both sides

I think you will be hard-pressed to find a man who doesn't enjoy a bit of S&M or porn at some point in his life; if this is going to ruin this/all other relationships, you need to do some serious thinking and working through these issues yourself

[BitOfFun]

I don't think you need to be weak to enjoy a bit of domination in sex, btw. It is just playing, but for grown-ups. From what I've read, lots of people who are NOT weak in Real Life at all really enjoy the chance to act out a fantasy of being dominated. It is just using your imagination and having fun, not a judgement on your character.

[Natacha21]

Morningpaper,

I take your point about S&M but I also think that I am totally entitled not to like it, not to like him doing it and not wanting to be part of it. After all he is the one who lied about it. Anyhow, I have met a lot of men who do not need S&M or porn to have a healthy lifestyle....

[solidgoldbrass]

The thing is, people who like BDSM sex can't entirely get rid of that liking, any more than people who are gay (but are surrounded by homophobes) can 'turn themselves into' heterosexuals.
Natacha, you do sound a bit judgmental and poorly informed about sex: what was your sex life like before you discovered that your DH looked at porn? Have you considered having a talk with him about the sort of sex you wold both like and working out areas where you can compromise? With regard to the men who 'do not need SM or Porn': unless you have had sex or at least a longterm intimate relationship with anyone, you can't be sure about their sexual tastes (because why should they tell you? It's not your business. Most people will give very bland answers when asked about their sexual preferences).

[Natacha21]

Solidgoldbrass,

Well, my sex life was excellent and very fulfilling! I am not either badly informed, I think, I have never experienced problems.

Yes, I agree that you never totally know what goes on in sbdy's head.

The fact that I don't like S&M is my own taste,
You consider that probably people cannot change themselves, I agree, I don't think he will change, this is just the way he is.
So why should I be the one that has to change ? I could equally say that people who are "straight heterosexuals" cannot turn themselves into S&M lovers ? Am I not allowed to say this ?

Yes talking with him, have tried this one, he shuts like an oyster, just as he does with any "private "matters, it's just his education. I don't think he refuses to talk, I think it is just very hard for him to do so.