Husband surfing porn and lying about sexual tendencies

[Natacha21]

I have been with my DH for eight years, with two young children. Sex life has never been fantastic but OK.

I have recently discovered that he has been surfing porn for years (even when I am in the house: would turn off the computer as I enter a room !).
He also admitted that he has SM tendencies, likes to be dominated by women, he never told me as he realised I was not into it.

Basically I am not into SM, I like strong men (not those that like to be dominated) and, basically, he has lied to me. I feel cheated upon and I strongly feel that I can no longer trust him.

He is a good dad and a good partner (companionship is pretty good), we have a great house, great kids, live in a great area ..; in summary the rest is fine. I do not love him anymore but I do not want to break up the family. I am very confused about what to do, any advise ?

[solidgoldbrass]

I don't think you have to change to the extent that you have to take part in sexual activities that turn you right off but talking it through with your DH might show you areas where you could compromise ie sexual activities that both of you might enjoy. Because basically there is a huge continuum of SM activity: you don't have to buy a whip but you might find you like a bit of light roleplay, or just you going on top - discussing fantasies and preferences can show you where the common ground is.
When you try to talk to your DH about it, are you starting from a point of 'let's try to make sex better for both of us', though, or are you acting as though he is a wierd pervert who has to stop it at once?

[Whoopee]

pamelat said: I think we need blokes views? Any men out there?

I just asked my partner. He looks at porn sometimes and I don't care. I'd feel differently if he hid it or it was a dirty secret, but there's no stigma of shame attached to it in this house. He isn't an addict and he isn't into unusual fetishes. We're open and cool about stuff over here.

So, I told him I was just reading about women who don't like their men to look at porn. He said:

"What they don't realise is that for a man, masturbation isn't cerebral. I think for many women, there's an emotional issue. For men it's functional. Let's say I'm feeling uptight; I'd like a wank; I need a quick way to get me aroused enough to come, then I can forget about it and get on with my day. When a man looks at porn, it saves him having to fantasise. Oh look. There's a naked lady. It saves me having to imagine one. That's it. It's just another bodily function. It's totally different from sharing sex with someone you love."

There. That's an honest male opinion from a man who knows he can speak freely in his own house. Hope it sheds some light.

[Whoopee]

Pamelat asked for a male point of view and I provided one, warts and all.

1. I didn't say I was proud. Anywhere. Go back and read the post again. I just stated it like it is. Pamelat wanted a male view and I'm in a position to relate an honest one.

1. My partner doesn't pay for porn.

1. He isn't 'free and easy' about it. Read my post properly before ripping into me, please. We are free and easy about talking about things over here. We don't have secrets, petty arguments or try to make each other feel shit about anything. I know he looks at porn, but he isn't proud of the fact he looks at it, and gets very embarrassed to be caught looking at it even though I don't mind.

1. He has very mild taste in porn and doesn't like watching women having sex. He just looks at naked women posing, if you really want to know what he's into. If I wanted to throw my clothes off and pose for a nude studio portrait, he'd be fine with that. (My mother did nude modelling in the Sixties - just her, no one else doing sex acts with her - and I still have some of the black and white photos: they're beautiful.) My partner doesn't watch people fucking each other, and nor would he like me to participate in that kind of porn.

I don't care what you think of my partner, or of me. I provided a male point of view from a man who likes to look at naked women. I cannot speak for S&M fetishists or people who like to watch others fucking. By the sound of it, you might be better off saving your hostility for them.

[colacubes]

Natacha, I would like to say something to you, and i may get my ass kicked by some for this, but oh well.

Porn isnt an attempt by any man to make you feel cheap, or unloved or disgusting, it is a way to enjoy something, sex, anothers body images, I dont know but it is not a reflection of how your dh loves you.

The substance of sm, doesnt have to mean bondage and whips and chains, domination can be shown or given by you being assertive in bed, telling him, you want to kiss him all over and he cant move no matter what. scarves to cover his eyes, alot of sm is in the giving up your usual state of mind and trusting another,

Put it this way, are you gonna leave him because of this, if yes then no point in the thread, if no, then you can either stay angry hate him, loathe his tastes and live a shitty miserable life. Or you can try to find a way to understand what he likes wants, and he you, then love your dh, let him love you and be happy. Dont make this the definition of your relationship.

[Whoopee]

Natacha, sorry for commenting on your thread without actually writing to you directly.

I'm sorry you've found this out about your husband and it's made things awkward between you.

One thing you said - that you don't fancy him any more - is something I can relate to. My ex-husband liked to wear women's clothes. On one hand, I was pleased that it wasn't a secret, that he was open-minded or whatever ... but the flip side was that I found it really hard to fancy him. I didn't fully understand where he was coming from and I didn't want to sleep with someone who dressed like me.

I hope you manage to work things out so you're happy again. I'm sorry things are weird for you at the moment.

[ruty]

Hmmm. porn is generally exploitative by its very nature. however, i suspect most men would like to watch a bit now and then, and quite a few women too. Intellectually there are many arguments why people should not watch porn. But the fact that so many people want to means, IMO, the issue should not be suppressed. You say you wouldn't be with him if he had not lied to you. what about your two dcs? You would not have them if you had not been with him. I agree with MP, counselling may benefit both of you, and you can attempt to tackle the problem of distrust between you.

I think fantasies are entirely normal and maybe your dh's fantasies have been blown out of proportion because he has felt the need to hide them from you. If he were able to talk about them freely he may be able to put them into perspective and they wouldn't feel so overriding.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I feel so lucky my DH is not "into" porn.

I know he has seen some esp when he was younger but the thought of him getting his rocks off to it on a regular basis whist being in a close loving relationship with me would make me feel extremely uneasy about him indeed.

I have changed my views on pornography since having a daughter. Dittany as always on this you speak such sense.

[Twelvelegs]

I have pretty strong views on porn, but like other responses I think the most worrying thing is you don't love him. I can't think you'd feel so alarmed by the S&M thing if you had a great relationship. My Dh and I go through different stages of fantasy, although not born out of porn, but different at different stages none-the-less.
The strongest rection either of us have made to suggestions is 'No' or in one instance I rofl.
I think many challenges meet us all in relationships and it's only the 'love' that ges us through, you sound as if you really need to think whther you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. It is never enough to stay for the children as you will teach them that happiness and fullfillment are not necessarily part of a relationship.

[Twelvelegs]

Whoopee, are you saying your dp looks at photos of your Mother?

[Whoopee]

Why yes! He has a special folder devoted to her.

No, not really.

I don't like the exploitative side of porn. It upsets me that women are trapped into prostitution. But there are things that can be done about that, like tighter policing and stronger support for vulnerable women.

But if a man sees a picture of a beautiful naked woman, chances are he'll like it. There is nothing that can be done about that.

Looking at porn covers a fairly broad spectrum: at one end is beating off to underwear catalogues and enjoying page 3 of the Sun. At the other is snuff movies. My partner's tastes lie at the very mild end of the spectrum. Like most people, I would have a problem if he lied about it, got defensive about it, hid his Internet history, enjoyed sadistic porn or had a serious addiction to anything.

[Natacha21]

OK,

Very different responses.

Now, my Dh pays for porn (on Internet), it is bondage he likes, this aspect of his sexual life has already cost him his last relationship (which explains why he hid it from me).

It is very difficult for me to fancy him knowing he is into this, I like counceling and I think it can really help in many instances but I do not want to discuss my sexual life with a stranger ( a councellor), we need to get that sorted between us.

What I can see from the threads, I am afraid, is that some people think it is wrong for me not to change into his direction. He has clearly said he won't change, I feel frustrated that obviously I should be the one to change. Why ? I can't be forced to do something I don't want to do, I can be quite innovative in bed, but bondage I am afraid is a real turn off for me. Now, knowing his preferences, it is difficult for me to feel relaxed in bed.

A bit of a dead end ? I think, as I said previously, the lie and the deceit are really what got to me. Trust relies on us not telling lies to each other, even though we are both independent and have our own lifes and I don't need to know everything he does. He broke this "rule" big time, and I am not sure I can regain trust in him. What a waste!

[solidgoldbrass]

Dittany, I really wish you would get over your obsession with sex workers all being morons and liars and victims. And when one partner wants more sex, or different sex, to what the other wants, isn;t the one who refuses to consider any kind of compromise at all being selfish too?
Natacha, the problem here seems to be is that you think your DH's sexuality is not just a turn off for you personally but inherently bad and wrong. It's going to be hard to pull a relationship back from that.

here is some interesting reading. It's an article by a feminist, on a feminist website. (so you don;t think that it's a link to an upsetting image that I have posted out of sheer badness).

[Pan]

I am of the opinion that it is natcha here who is being a pretty rigid thinker......I am assuming that you loved your husband and he loves you. Yet something such as a sexual fantasy and a 'taste' is something that is so abhorrent that you are willing to mess up your entire family. He would appear to be manly enough in life for you otherwise.
And someoen further up is right. A taste to be dominated now and again, even to an extreme, is pretty average for most blokes with imaginations.
Dh sounds pretty healthy sexually to me - he has a sexuality that he has been stung for in hte past, and to maintain his rel. with you he has had to hide it from you for fear of your rather narrow view on life on what people's sexuality should be. (i do mean sexuality, not sexual orientation - he is clearly hetro-sexual, non?).

[Twelvelegs]

If this was a happy relationship I can't help thinking that this would not be such a big deal. The discussion on the moral merits of what OP's DH likes is detracting from the fact that it is not okay for OP and there are many reasons for that.

[Pan]

and also..aren't you also being pretty dishonest in stating that your sex life has been never fantastic but ok? Unless of course you have shared this with him and you have had the exciting journey of discovering how you can both make it 'fantastic'....but I am pretty sure you never actually have....if you had you would have detailed this.

it reads more perhaps that you 'want out' for yuor own reasons and this 'discovery' is something to hang it on. Perhaps.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

So natacha is at fault here - can't believe this is how the thread is leaning

[electra]

The SM thing wouldn't bother me at all, nor would the porn.

However, if you know you don't love him I would worry far more about that.

[Natacha21]

THANK YOU CrushWithEyeliner !

Yes, I don't think I am being the bady here. What is interesting here, is that it is mostly people that are "in" M&S who see my view as being the wrong one, I am starting to wonder whether they really feel at ease with it ?

I am sorry, but I have always had a healthy sexuality without needing any of this.

And Pan, no I do not want to detail with you that "exciting journey", sorry. I certainly do not want out of my relationship otherwise I would have never written that thread.

Anyhow, all the reactions here are useful, thanks for ALL your replies.

[solidgoldbrass]

If your sexuality really is healthy, you're generally tolerant of other consensual sexual preferences even if you don't fancy them yourself.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

"exciting journey"

So if you discovered your DH was into, let's say people pissing on him and kept if from you the reaction would have to be "hey can I do anything to help get you off" or you would be letting him down in some way? Is N not allowed to feel appalled by her husbands preferences which he has lied about without being a prude? I don't get this at all.

[solidgoldbrass]

WHat's so awful about wanting to be pissed on? Fresh urine is sterile and no one need participate if they don't like the idea.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

you have missed my point somewhat sgb

the fact that he lied, the shock, possible repulsion? You are implying these reactions are somehow wrong or prudish...