Husband surfing porn and lying about sexual tendencies

[Natacha21]

I have been with my DH for eight years, with two young children. Sex life has never been fantastic but OK.

I have recently discovered that he has been surfing porn for years (even when I am in the house: would turn off the computer as I enter a room !).
He also admitted that he has SM tendencies, likes to be dominated by women, he never told me as he realised I was not into it.

Basically I am not into SM, I like strong men (not those that like to be dominated) and, basically, he has lied to me. I feel cheated upon and I strongly feel that I can no longer trust him.

He is a good dad and a good partner (companionship is pretty good), we have a great house, great kids, live in a great area ..; in summary the rest is fine. I do not love him anymore but I do not want to break up the family. I am very confused about what to do, any advise ?

[Toadinthehole]

Natacha21,

If your marriage is generally good, you shouldn't make any drastic decisions on the basis of what people have said on this thread. None of us know you or your husband.

It sounds to me like you just need to talk about the problem with each other.

As for men & porn: I'm a man and I don't use it - meaning that I don't surf internet porn and I don't have a stash of magazines. That is because the dw would be very upset if I did. But I'd be lying if I said that I'd never used porn, and I do believe 99% of men are the same in this respect.

My dw does not realise this, but it is probably the most difficult sacrifice I make for her.

Whoopee's partner's comments are very accurate.

[Natacha21]

bj51,

Thank you for the constructive answer. All this thread has really made me think, it is rather that I no longer fancy him rather than not loving him, which is probably less dramatic than I thought. as with mutual understanding it can come back. I think my DH has never been that great with any of his girlfriends I think.

I need to give it some time as the issue has indeed taken over all the rest, I need to let the dust settle to see clearly how I feel and what is at stake here.

nat

[Charlee]

'ALL men look at porn'

What a load of Bollocks!

[bj51]

Ladies, I have worked in male environments for 25 years. I spend 13 hours a day with men ranging from born again Christians to new age metrosexual dads. I am not repeating what I have read in some trashy Sunday tabloid - I am relaying observations. The only men I know of who wouldnt take a closer look at a bit of bare flesh are usually the more religously inclined. But then again I am sure that you ladies know exactly what is going on at all times in your partners heads...... of course you do.

As someone once told me, 99% of blokes enjoy wanking over porn. The other 1% are a bunch of lying wankers.

[policywonk]

'ALL men look at porn as do a vast majority of women.'

Oh. For. Fuck's. Sake.

[bj51]

Ladies, apologies for the gibberish end of paragraph 2. I am trying to type this on a tiny keyboard in bed - I work nights.

What I should have said was "Deep down I think you will find that your discovery of hubbies secret hasnt made you stop loving him but rather has made you realise that you no longer love him and probably stopped doing so long before your discovery."

[bj51]

Lsdies, I am a 41 year old bloke who has been perving porn for longer than I care remember. Lets get one thing straight. ALL men look at porn as do a vast majority of women. If you honestly believe your hubby when he tells you that he doesnt look at porn then more fool you. I know all too well how even the most straight laced men in an office will take a sneaky peak at anything from Page 3 to gynaecological internet porn. Its the way men are conditioned to react to visual stimulus and seek it out.

Natasha, your hubby isnt a perve for looking at S&M porn. We all have our kinks and sexual preferances - even the most critical of the ladies on here - even though they would never admit to it. What is seriously wrong is two things - the fact that hubby has lived a lie and hidden his needs from you and the fact that you suddenly realise that you no longer love him. You have also admitted to an only OK sex life. Well maybe the two of you just arent compatible. Nobodies fault but maybe you do need to look ahead and move on. Deep down I think you will find that your discovery of hubbies secret hasnt made you stop loving him but rather has made you realise that you no longer love nt in life and if he isnt jus

Natasha you need to decide what you want in life and if hubby doesnt fit the bill, move on. Otherwise you will never be happy - even if your hubby had absolutely vanilla desires.

Peace and baked beans.

Jon

[Natacha21]

Sorry, I think you have lost me here.

Isabelle

[Pan]

oh SGB - you're messing up my venn diagram woth new categories!! I'll have to start again...............some people, who are scum with with cocks, like porn, and others who either have, or don't have cocks, like SM and MAY like porn. Both of these groups could be viscious, but that means they have membership in another part of the diagram. Some may have cocks and some not.

IS that clear?

[ruty]

well i don't watch porn but i think Natacha is being a bit harsh on her dh.

[solidgoldbrass]

No, she's not. DOn't you know - people who like porn are either vicious scum (if they have cocks) or drug-addled in-denial victims (if they don't) and everyone who is into SM is mad...

[Pan]

it's more like venn-diagram isn't it? Not all porn folks are SMers and vice(ha)- versa, but some are both - the ones in the cross over shaded out bit.......am I getting too sciencey for anyone??

[ruty]

are you kidding dittany? You must be, right?

[ruty]

''most people who are 'in' M&S see my view as being the wrong one'' [visions of wild porn parties in Marks and Spencers]

[Pan]

yes, of course she can be appalled, Crush, but this indicates a pretty narrow view of what's okay in people's sexuality (not ref. to the golden showers thing at all), and more so as it comes from her partner.

There doesn't appear to be much of the element of trust, or indeed mutual tolerance, and that implies a doom unless they both learn to change.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

you have missed my point somewhat sgb

the fact that he lied, the shock, possible repulsion? You are implying these reactions are somehow wrong or prudish...

[solidgoldbrass]

WHat's so awful about wanting to be pissed on? Fresh urine is sterile and no one need participate if they don't like the idea.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

"exciting journey"

So if you discovered your DH was into, let's say people pissing on him and kept if from you the reaction would have to be "hey can I do anything to help get you off" or you would be letting him down in some way? Is N not allowed to feel appalled by her husbands preferences which he has lied about without being a prude? I don't get this at all.

[solidgoldbrass]

If your sexuality really is healthy, you're generally tolerant of other consensual sexual preferences even if you don't fancy them yourself.

[Natacha21]

THANK YOU CrushWithEyeliner !

Yes, I don't think I am being the bady here. What is interesting here, is that it is mostly people that are "in" M&S who see my view as being the wrong one, I am starting to wonder whether they really feel at ease with it ?

I am sorry, but I have always had a healthy sexuality without needing any of this.

And Pan, no I do not want to detail with you that "exciting journey", sorry. I certainly do not want out of my relationship otherwise I would have never written that thread.

Anyhow, all the reactions here are useful, thanks for ALL your replies.

[electra]

The SM thing wouldn't bother me at all, nor would the porn.

However, if you know you don't love him I would worry far more about that.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

So natacha is at fault here - can't believe this is how the thread is leaning

[Pan]

and also..aren't you also being pretty dishonest in stating that your sex life has been never fantastic but ok? Unless of course you have shared this with him and you have had the exciting journey of discovering how you can both make it 'fantastic'....but I am pretty sure you never actually have....if you had you would have detailed this.

it reads more perhaps that you 'want out' for yuor own reasons and this 'discovery' is something to hang it on. Perhaps.