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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a bit of help here! Just wondering if I am asking a TAD too much?

26 replies

balletdancer · 11/09/2008 21:57

Hi, Have name changed as want to be annonymous! As not sure if DH looks on!

I know that I am in a very controlling relationship with DH.

Have been with DH for just over 20 years, married nearly 17r yrs!

How much physical contact do you have with your DH/partner?

How much does he kiss, cuddle, ring, text, have any kind of contact with you during a normal day during the week. (As in Monday - Friday)

This would be particulary good if you work part time and they work full time.

Also I would like to know :- If your DH/Partner were to go away, whether it be 1 night or 5, would you expect them to get in contact, if not to you but your DC?

Would really appreciate any answer Thanks

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 11/09/2008 22:02

well, am not longer in the relationship, but will answer from a year ago
at that point - together 16 yrs, married 9 yrs, I was part-time, he full-time, 2 ds's - 5 + 20mo.
Contact during the day - very little, odd e-mail or phone call.
Physical contact during the evening/weekend as he worked was as much as he could get - I am much less physical.
If he went away (he would often be away for upto 4 nights in the week) - he used to call every night until very recently befor ehe left.

ChasingSquirrels · 11/09/2008 22:03

he almost never contacted the dc's when away, he doesn't contact them here at all now he has left (he does see them twice a week).

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:09

Think there lies my problem! I am a lot more physical than DH. I don't just mean sex! I like the whole thing of hand holding, the odd stolen kiss during the day. The odd text, E mail or phone call during the day while he is at work or away!

This is not to say that I am insecure and need constant loving, but that I like a bit of attention. Yes I do have 3 DC, but they are getting older now and life is a lot easier.

Tonight he was talking about the future, I was in it!Thank goodness, but he is so cold its unbelievable.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 22:13

Do you think you have a lot too MUCH contact (a controlling amount), or too little (he is distant/unemotional)?

Sorry you're going through this. Bloody men.

BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 22:13

Eeek, I wrote that before you posted!

ChasingSquirrels · 11/09/2008 22:17

do you send him the text's, call him etc?
do you snatch the odd kiss, grope?
what does he do in return?

solidgoldbrass · 11/09/2008 22:20

Has the relationship always been like this, or is it something recent? Because if it's always beenlike this he would have a point if he said that you have put up with him the way he is for nearly 20 years so you can't mind that much.
Some people are considerably more touchy-feely and affectionate than others. If two people from opposite ends of the scale get together then they have to work out some sort of compromise that keeps both of them happy. Niether way of being is better than the other.

BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 22:21

Do you ring him? Do you pout a bit and go withdrawn/upset if he goes away & doesn't call you?

Did you tell him you were relieved that you're in his future?

If so, knock that all on the head. Get a different focus for your attention and watch him come shuffling back. Seriously.

Do the opposite of what you want him to do. Always works.

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:21

If I text him, he replies with a one word answer! I do know this is not just me thou, he does not see the point of texting.

If I initiate sex, normally he blanks it. It has to be when he is interested.

He will only grope when he wants too, if I do it when he is not expecting/wanting it he walks off.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 22:23

How did you get together? Did he pursue you, or did you ask him out first? Right back when you first met.

regularlyoverwhelmed · 11/09/2008 22:24

are you sure he is not my OH?

no advice - just let you know you are not alone in your relationship with a cold fish

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:27

No, this relationship has gone like this in the last year. Except the texting!

He would always ring every night when he was away, even with a big time difference. If one of DC were at an afterschool activity he would text or E mail them using my phone/computer.

Have no idea why he has become like this - he did turn 40 this year! Did wonder if its mid life crisis!

The other thing that gets to me is his obsession with money! Its ok when he buys something but when I do its wrong.

He can be really nice at times - honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:28

I met him in a night club when we were both 20!!! Not good really hey!

OP posts:
regularlyoverwhelmed · 11/09/2008 22:31

ohhhhh, mine has been like this a long while

I'd be worried, especially with the turning 40 thing

(mine is having freakin' mid life crisis at the mo (he's 44) but I had no real warning signs as he has pretty much always been like this - it's pretty awful)

have you raised it with him? what does he say?

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:43

Oh yes, have mentioned it to him on one or more occassion!

Answer to holding hand! - "why do I need to hold your hand, I am an adult and I know I won't run across the road!"

Answer to any contact during the day! - "Why do I need to ring etc, you know I will be home soon!"
This is also the same answer to being away!
His favourite saying is "I am not your Father!" Little does he know that my Father as so hands off it was unbelievable!
With the sex thing - have no idea!

He will also blame it mostly on me, he tells me its my moods, now I know I am not perfect in anyway, and yes I do get PMT a couple of days before I am due on! I try and tell him its mainly him putting me on edge that then makes me fairly tetchy with DC.

When he is away, me and DC have a lovely time and we work well as a team! Although, I know for a fact, that if we became separated, DC work not work like this!

OP posts:
regularlyoverwhelmed · 11/09/2008 22:49

hmm, do you think you could get him to go to counselling - it sounds odd if it's just been going on a year or so

is there anything outside of home that's stressing him ? job? family?

has he changed patterns of drinking or drug taking lately?

regularlyoverwhelmed · 11/09/2008 22:50

and waht does he mean by "I am not your father" you wouldn''t be asking your dad to hold your hand or sent randonm texts or have sex with you

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 22:59

He will not do counselling - "he does not have a problem!" have already asked him to go.

Over 8 yrs ago I had terrible PND, (it ended with me and DC in a mother and baby unit for 3 mths) I did look on DH as a father figure then - in the sense that I wanted him to make all the decisions for the DC as I didn't feel that I could!)

He brings this up time and time again! (rolls eyes emoticon)

Have not been like this now for a good few years! literally!

Yes his job does stress him, although why I am not sure, he has been there since he left sch at 16! So thats 24 yrs. Although saying that he only works when he is at work and does not work like some people I know when he is at home!

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 22:59

"I am not your father" = "Quit being needy"

Stop chasing him. It's irritating him. It shouldn't but it is, so start there. Back WAY off. I'm setting you rules:

  1. No texting him
  2. No phoning him (unless house is on fire/DC are in hospital - seriously)
  3. Go away for a weekend (take the DC too, if you like, this is not one of those "show him what you do all day" flits, it's just giving him space to miss you)
  4. NO LOOKING UPSET ABOUT THIS!
  5. Get a haircut/new clothes/makeover/new long shiny boots for Autumn... Anything that makes you feel fab about how you look.

Do this for 3 weeks & report back.

regularlyoverwhelmed · 11/09/2008 23:05

beautiful's advice sounds worth a BIG try to me

good luck

solidgoldbrass · 11/09/2008 23:17

Yes, Beautiful has very good advice. No matter how or why it started, the more you pester and whine, the more he's going to back off. It is maddening to have someone following you around bleating and clutching at you and it will never make anyone inclined to be more affectionate.

Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 23:18

BEAUTIFUL - Do you know me?

I have recently tried the new hairstyle(honestly! Everybody has commented on it, I eventually asked DH as its very different to what its normally been - he has no opinion! he does not like it, yet he doesn't dislike it either! (they were his exact words!)

I have booked for myself to go away next month, There are 4 other ladies going too! At the moment not sure if he is impressed or not!

I have tried not getting upset, I have tried being enthuisastic (SP) when he wants something at night!

I rarely text him or ring him, unless its urgent! Because I already know his attitude.

If I bought new clothes he would flip! Literally, This is where he particulary comes into being a controlling person! His wardrobe consists of 1pr of work trousers, 1pr of jeans. His arguement is why need more than of jeans as you can only wear one pair at a time. Shoes! He has 1 pr of trainers and 1 pr of work shoes - why does he need anymore! Unfortunately for me he tries to install this on to me and DC!

OP posts:
Original poster
balletdancer · 11/09/2008 23:22

I can honestly say I do not whine or bleat!

These things do not normally come up until we have a big disagreement! like now!

Am I being unreasonable to want a bit of affection, TBH thats all I want! The odd kiss, the odd text/phone call etc. I do not chase him mither him.

After all I am married to this person! I just want to know that I am loved!

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 23:24

He seriously, seriously, no lie, owns just two pairs of trousers? In absolute total?

BEAUTlFUL · 11/09/2008 23:25

He sounds like Rain Man, ffs.