OK, so DH in spare room and we are not talking - help

[greyday]

Sorry for long post. Background is have been with DC for 5 yrs, married for 2. Am currently 5m pg with DC1.

I work hard, full time. DH also works hard, full time but earns 4x what I do. We do not have what you would call an extravagant lifestyle, we go out relatively little, buy things carefully etc etc. DH pays mortgage, I pay bills. We both pay for extras such as takeaways or vets bills. DH will buy bigger things like furniture. I buy more groceries.

We are going on a break in 2 weeks to France. Today whilst out shopping, we are at the checkout in Boots with toiletries - my things, his things and joint things. I said "I'll just get my things out of the basket" and DH immediately has a go as to why I am not getting everything as he has paid for our (cheap) break and lots of other things in the house etc etc. This said loudly in front of all busy queue and checkout girl etc. Looking back I should have just paid for everything automatically but what I didn't realise is that DH had set me a test to see if I would pay for all his and our stuff too, as it turns out he is aggrieved that he pays more.

The argument has continued all the rest of the evening. Despite my trying to reason, it has gone out of all control and has ended up with him saying hurtfully that I could afford nothing if it wasn't for him. I have said back that his own mother could never make any substantial financial contribution of her own either, so if he's calling me, he's calling her too. This was enough to send him off in a fury.

It is true, he does pay for a lot more stuff but then he's always known that I pay what I can and also that I have no hope of matching his salary. I work very hard (two 12 hour days this week alone, involving long travel, despite being pg and feeling shitty I have not had a single day off sick so far for fear of being seen as a slacker). I am not a freeloader and am not a "footballer's wife" type either. On his wage we could afford a house more than twice the value and size of the one we're in, but I am just grateful to have a roof. Its true I couldn't afford a house on my own (maybe a little flat).

I'm not sure how to take it forward. This money matter seems to have got worse since I have become pg. The warning signs have been subtley there for a few months now. I have suggested he puts forward a money plan he would be more comfortable with but he always turns it around and says "No. You put forward a plan that's fair" (this in a sneery tone, not pleasant/positive).

He has to be reminded a lot that I am pg too, ie when I returned from said 12-hour day this week I had stopped to buy dinner on the way home despite being exhausted. I asked DH to put it in the oven and put some water on to boil and he reacted like Kevin the Teenager. I ended up shouting that not only was I pg, I had had a 12 hour day and still found time to remember/buy dinner so the least he could do was stick it in the oven.

I also do most of the cleaning because I can't contribute as much financially as him and in fact there wouldn't be a house to clean if it wasn't for him.

Rant over. Thanks for listening if you're still there.

Agree totally with all ladies, but particularly with LLPJane.

You need to save enough for a bond and six months up-front rent on a house. When I left I was a none-person and so could not get references to allow me to rent a house month by month.

You must get your name on some of the utility bills as these will serve to show that you actually exist.

You must try not to alert him as to your plans. If you do leave and divorce, the judge will require total financial disclosure from you both, so any attempts by him to move and hide money will be revealed...however, if you alert him now he will do this NOW, and so may escape any disclosure requests, due to length of time for these things to come to court etc. Reading that back it is not very clear but I
hope you get the drift!

With these men, and their families, you end up totally broke and in despair while they hold all the cards.

The total irony is of course that of they had been nicer to you, with generous hearts, and treated you as if you were actually a member of their family instead of an unpaid servant, who they also expected to pay towards their living costs, you would never leave !

This irony is completely lost on them, as of course they are right and you are wrong!!

HTH x

I would suggest that you drag his sorry ass into counselling but I have a nasty feeling he's the type who wouldn't even contemplate this.

I really don't know what to say to you except to echo everyone else who's already expressed shock and anger on your behalf at being stuck in such a predicament. At the risk of upsetting you further (I'm sorry) I cannot imagine why he married you .... it seems he views you as a controllable possession, maybe he thought a 24 hour housekeeper would be "convenient" for him ? Throw in a shag every so often and that would be even better ...... he's probably the sort of gross excuse for a man who thinks you owe him x number of blow jobs or whatever based on what he's "generously paid for that week.

You don't have to justify your role within your family - you seem more than conscious of being seen to work hard and that disgusts me, the thought of you ploughing on even when you're ill and/or pregnant lest you be accused of "slacking" - even more than you usually are (in his opinion). I'm sorry but I want to come round and grind his smug, arrogant, mean and cruel face into the ground for you ..... I mean, who the hell does he think he is ? ..... suggesting a person's "worth" is counted in pounds and pence. Presumably then, he has total disdain for such comparatively lowly paid workers as nurses or teachers, and I'd guess that people on the minimum wage must therefore be total scum.

My heart breaks for you at the thought of you with a newborn baby, having to tiptoe about - 1. justifying every last nappy used and 2. probably driving yourself into the ground "chores" wise whilst on maternity leave so he can be satisfied you're not "sitting on your backside all day" while "leeching" off him.

How dare he ? How dare he create a new life with you and treat you like this ?

As others have suggested, I think you need to arm yourself with as much information and hopefully documentation as you can in the event you ever decide to split (which is obviously your choice). I'd be very very worried about a future which included a separation/divorce when he is already so mean ..... I suspect he would play completely dirty and cling onto every last penny regardless of the effect upon your child. I hate to say it, but I have read about similar men who later claim that their child(ren) isn't theirs, to avoid paying child maintenance, and force the trauma of DNA tests before budging.

Please get as much advice as you possibly can about your current position (and options). I would also be trying to gather as much documentation as I could in your circumstances ....... looking for keys and so on while he was out. Then copying and entrusting anything I found with a close friend or relative so he didn't know I was onto him. I know this maybe sounds dramatic, but I'd view it as insurance ...... it doesn't have to be used until you feel you can stand it no longer, but it's there just in case.

I am so so sorry he is being such a c**t. It must be frightening and soul destroying, and ruining what should be a happy time for you.

My friend's husband married her at a point in his career when he needed a "company wife" in order to get up the career ladder.

He treated her appallingly, squirrelled all his money into offshore accounts, hid all his assets, it was like something out of a novel.

He got away with millions of pounds in property, shares, etc. She got the house, and maintenance for her child until the child was 18.

I feel like i have written this post without knowing about it.
My Dh and I are having similar problems at the moment, i have asked him to leave but he won't go.
He works hard 60 hours a week and i work around 18 hours.
he pays the rent and all of the utility bills and food so i can't complain about that, but if the children want anything i have to buy it.

My son has to fight him every week to get his pocket money.
he will not buy anything for the house, it's amazing that it looks so lovely but i do it on my own.

We had a new bathroom suite fitted and i bought that, i bought new doors for all the rooms, i bought all the furniture, the only thing he has paid for is the carpets.

I had our kitchen retiled paid for by me. He wants it looking nice but won't pay. Very very occasionally he will say do you want to go halves on that. Fucking halves.

He earns almost five times my salary but will not help me out at all.

i asked for some help in the holidays as i was finding it hard to keep the kids entertained, i wasn't going out every day just once a week to do something even if it was just the cinema. he told me to stay in if i couldn't afford it.

When i pointed out they were his kids as well, he said well i'll take them out when i have time off.
I lost the plot i'm afraid and almost two months on we have resolved nothing. I say he can't stay unless he changes his attitude.
He has always been like this and i have always resented it, both times i was pregnant and self employed a the time, i had to give up work for a while because of severe sickness. He gave me nothing not a penny. I was living on maternity pay which for a self employed person was about £46.00 per week. he never offered to buy me any maternity clothes, not so much as a fucking breast pad.

I had to return to work when my daughter was two weeks old.

He constantly tells me he spends every thing he earns, but i know he has savings accounts all over the place.
One was in our joint name, it wasn't doing well so he transferred it into an account in his name only.
i can't see he will change, we can go shopping and he will see me picking up things for the kids and he'll disappear until i have paid. I then see he will have a bag of his own stuff.
He only wears designer stuff i go to primark or ebay.
We have separate accounts, and a joint account for food, so that i can go out and buy it of course.
When my cat was ill, i couldn't afford the vet bill, he didn't offer me anything i had to cashin an insurance policy to pay for it.
But he can buy himself a season ticket for the football at £900.
His dad is just the same, he hides money from his second wife, if the kids go there he will give them £2.00 each. if he comes to ours without her they get £10.00 each.

He tries to make out that i am a gold digger, but i don't ask for stuff for myself, it's not like i'm buying chanel handbags with it, but kids clothes and shoes.

When i point out to him that if i worked full time he would have to pay for child care, he just glares at me. He wants me to be at home for them but won't support me in doing so.

He feels that paying the bills and not forgetting that he gets me a company car through his work, which i am reminded of every day, that his bit is done.
Any thing other than that is surplus to requirements.
Sorry i've gone into a bit of a rant. It is the first time i have got all of this off my chest.

How weird are these people. Most married couples pool things. What is mine is yours. Thar marriage vows are with all mmy worldly goods I thee endow. Although I earned 10x my ex and he got so much of my money when we divorced. Perhaps the problems comes when people don't earn about the same.

The practical answer for these women is earn several times what your husband earns and then he'll see the tables turned! Women's power comes back to good career choices and doing as well as men at work. We are better. We can earn more.

presumambly you do the bulk of the childcare?

if you don't buy toiletries together, then i suppose you don't see your relationship and children as one unit.

This thread has shocked me beyond words.
How on earth can you possibly accept this for yourself? You sound as if you have very little self-confidence, if you believe that you do not deserve half of everything the two of you earn, pooled.
My DH and I operate on the understanding that everything we each do is for the ultimate benefit of the family. That includes working outside the home (earning money, that is - him full-time, me 0.6), taking care of the home, and looking after the kids. Each has equal worth. Then there's our free time which we divvy up reasonably equally.
What's all this about "my" money and "your" money? Sounds like he has a serious attitude problem and it's not going to go away (but only get worse) unless you stand up for yourself and get some changes made.

Counselling or divorce would be my only two options in this situation. He doesn't trust you with his money and considers you his inferior - what basis is this for a marriage?

I couldn't agree with clam more

my dh works f/t, I work p/t

everything goes into one account and we are both allowed the same amount of 'spare money' per week or per month

is dh getting taken for a ride? is he fuck. We are married, we share a life, we share children, a house, everything.

you are not on the mortgage? you are married and you are worried about looking like a gold-digger

if you are playing a "I'll show you how little of your money I need" game you are playing right into his hands

I would be right out of there, in the "maybe a little flat", before he could count his pocket change. He thinks he is a catch? he is a knob and he is holding his fat wage packet over you to make you feel small and insignificant

making a fuss in front of a queue ffs. What a wanker

Greyday, this is not how most partnerships work. Your dh is using finances as a means to control you, but deep down you know that otherwise you wouldn't have posted. I am seething with rage on your behalf.
According to Womens Aid "Domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour." I'd recommend that you speak to them and ask their advice.
I'd give him a taste of his own medicine if I were you and tell him you are off to see a divorce lawyer and see how he likes the idea of you taking half of everything he owns, which is yours by law, as well as a fortune in child support for the next 18 years.

where his greyday?

greyday hope you're OK. I'm worried that you have not posted back.

Dh needs to stay in the spare room until he understands what needs to be said.

You have to explain it to him, twice.

You have to say 'Right, here we are, you and me, married. Now let's look at what is in front of us, let's divide up the responsibilities we've got, because we are going to have more when baby born. You can't carry on thinking I'm after your money, you can't carry on getting sniffy and possessive and jealous about it. It is extremely unattractive, and I don't like being made to feel like I'm after your money. Grow up a bit please. It can't work like that. I will give you everything, and share everything and you must do the same. That is how it works. You make more money, so big deal. I tell better jokes, you get to laugh at them. Get over yourself. Right let's make a list:

Cars? You

Mortgage? You, you make more money. I can contribute some of my salary towards it, but of course that'll come off something else, you decide,

Chidcare? You me or someone else?

Groceries? I'll cover these.

Washing? I'll do that if you like, if you'll do the kitchen once a night.

And so on.

Bossykate has a good saying: "what is fair is not necessarily what is equal" .

This is something your DH needs to grasp.

He has suggested that you come up with a proposal - so do I - whatever tone of voice he uses.

What about: You set up a joint account which is your 'house and living' account. You calculate to pay ALL joint living expenses from it: mnortgage, bills, council tax, maintenance, food, future childcare expenses, joint hols, etc. You then each contribute to that pro rata to your income. Any money left over is your 'spending money'.

Once you have child you have no option but to look on the whole workload of the family as a shared team task - and that includes earning cash and childcare and domestic management.

He seems v set on the house. Let it be known that you need to sort al this out amicably, in an adult fashion and soon - i.e well before the baby is born, because if you end up in the divorce courts after you have a child, you will almost certainly get the house to live in and MORE than half of the equity.

Perhaps that will focus his mind.

God this is so sad - I do feel for you at a time when things really should be happy in planning the arrival of a new life

POor oyu greyday
hsi family and their opinions seem to feature a lot.
tbh you soudn liek students stil and the privacy thing is odd.
he isnt cherishing you at all is he?
are oyu sure this relationship is oging ot last

And you become one flesh, one person almost under those vows but people differ in what they find acceptable. My solution is say couldn't care les I will out earn this man and he'll be jealous of my own earned wealth

this sounds like my mom and dad's relationship when i was growing up. my dad earned lots and my mom worked parttime and looked after me, she did all the housework and he socialised. he paid for most things and gave mom very little money. he bought a dishwasher and said "i've paid for it so that means i never have to load it, you do it". i remember once she asked for a new lounge carpet and he said no we can't afford it, a week later he bought himself a brand new discovery 4 by 4 thing and he already had a focus. my poor mom was controlled like this for 27 years before she left him, we moved to a small house with no money and struggled to buy food, and you know what, we have never been happier!! controlling money is controlling you. get yourself and your baby out now. you would be better in a 1 bed flat.

Sorry, I am completely flabbergasted by this situation. You are not flatmates; you are married. And marriage means sharing things- tasks, money, children, possessions.

I am so upset for you that he is being so controlling, and keeping count about everything. If you are going to have a baby and be on maternity leave then it will get much worse.

Do you have any mutual couple friends to talk to about how they handle their money? Then he can see that this situation is just not normal.

these men are controlling bullys, not a 'catch'

wtf are they on? where is the love,care and cherishing?

i truly feel this sort of behaviour will reap them the reward of a very lonely, bitter old age.

In case of divorce and you have kids. From my limited understanding assets are 50:50 as a starting point regardless of who's name they're in (as ex is finding out) the courts go from there.

Make a list of all things you do, seriously, cooking, cleaning, personal services everything I mean it. And hand him a bill, see what he thinks.

you can quite easily find where he is investing his money, run a credit check on him online, you'll soon find exactly where his money is.

I agree that this sounds like a form of abuse and he is controlling the OP with money
I, personally fin it very sad.

I would advise the OP to try Relate with her partner as this situation doesn't sound like a marriage in the true sense of the word. They sounds like flat-mates who occasionally have sex. They should be sharing their entire lives together.

I would also suggest that the OP does not become a SAHM or work PT. Also her DH should pay half of the childcare and pay a cleaner to do his share of the chores. Become just as petty as he is.

This marriage sounds precarious and the OP needs to safeguard her own financial situation.

Mind you, I'm surprised that the DH is in the spare room. Sounds like the sort who would insist that she goes there, on account of the fact that he owns the house and pays more into it than she does!