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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having my breast reduction in a few days - h got angry with me

93 replies

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:02

Last night i was getting stresses about arrnagements for my op and i admit i was being very difficult. H tried to make up a couple of time and then went of to the spare room to bed. He knows i have sleepless nights when things aren't resoved that evenign so i went in to the room after 30 mins or so and got upset about him going - and a huge row started. don't even know if i can have mu op now as he'll be looking after me

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 16:40

He seems to have very many redeeming qualities. Leave the shouting be for a while. Focus on salvaging your relationship, and focus on being a mother and a wife. Go to them, cook, and see if you can enjoy the rest of the day together without bringing up further grievances with him, chill out. Just be. (Honestly, I am no hippy chick, but just chill out, ok?)

Beaches · 31/08/2008 16:43

Shouting in front of a child that age is awful I agree. However so is browbeating his father! I am saying stop hammering the point, he was clearly driven to shouting, we all are sometimes we are only human. I f he feels you are not hearing him he will raise his voice maybe it has become a habit.
Leave it untill little one is sleeping so he does not witness anymore, give him a nice afternoon, no sulking! Then later if and only if h is ready to discuss what happened do. If he is too drained to discuss further sorry but you should respect that otherwise you will just get nowhere.

2rebecca · 31/08/2008 17:04

You do sound very self obsessed. A breast reduction is an elective op. If you're getting that stressed about it don't bother, I'm sure that's how he sees things. If you do want the op then stop going on about it to your husband and get on with the rest of your life.
Him shouting at you after the op isn't going to make the stitches dissolve is it?
Get a grip and think more about your husband and kids and less about you and your needs.
Sorry to sound harsh but if my husband was making this big a deal about a nonessential op I'd tell him not to bother with it, especially if he expected me to be a doormat to all his moans for days on end before and after it and could focus on nothing else.

lulumama · 31/08/2008 17:17

do you never shout? of course you should forgive him!

you say you have had counselling seperately and together yet nothing chnages

maybe this relationship has run its course

neither of you sound very happy

Earlybird · 31/08/2008 17:31

"I've now told him i don't waat him visiting me in hospital and i'm going to cancel the arrnagements we have for ds to be looked after on the day of the op. We had someone looking after him so h could be at the hospital with me. I can't stand the thought of him being there now"

I feel sorry for your dh. No question he hasn't behanved perfectly, but he is trying, and you keep knocking him back, piling on the grievances/upping the stakes. You are the one who needs to let it go and apologise.

lulumama · 31/08/2008 17:32

do you actually love your DH and want to be with him?

Earlybird · 31/08/2008 18:36

Good luck with the surgery, by the way. Hope everything goes smoothly.

Original poster

mymittens · 31/08/2008 19:03

I'm not sure if i love him anymore and he knows this. he's not the person i loved and adored to start him. We've only had sex about 4 times in the last 3 years and sleep separately most of the time due to his snoring which he won't do anything about. Doctor told him (3 years ago) losing a stone would help, but he's made no effort to lose any weight/ has even said in the past that i won't sleep with him because he's fat (which he isn't)

OP posts:

Blu · 31/08/2008 19:41

Rebecca2 - as I understand it breast reduction is done to relieve what can be serious discomfort and back problems - not a vanity thing.

solidgoldbrass · 31/08/2008 19:46

Oh FFS woman get a grip! If I were married to you I would have poured a bucket of water over your head after a whole day of 'Waah, you've been horrid to me, waaah I know you said sorry but you're not sorry enough, waaaaaah you must indulge my every whim because I'm hving an operation, waaah, waaaah, waaaah.'

2rebecca · 31/08/2008 20:45

I didn't say it was vanity, I said it was non-essential, which it is.
I agree a breast reduction isn't usually purely cosmetic unlike breast enlargement. It is however an op you can live without, and dieting and running can reduce your breast size considerably, although you have to be of normal weight to get the op on the NHS in our area because many overweight women have large breasts and if they get down to normal BMI most of them no longer want the op. Some do, but they still don't need it, unlike someone needing an appendicectomy or cancer op.

EustaciaVye · 31/08/2008 20:55

You sounds like you wont let anything go. He tries to apologise and then you bring it all up again. Sometimes you need to just accept an apology/make an apology and move on. Longer term relationship problems need to be discussed when you are both calm and rational as opposed to a few days before an op.

Original poster

mymittens · 31/08/2008 21:51

EV - that's great advice, thanks. I think i;ve been so overwhelmed i'm trying to sort my whole future out in my head before th op. We had a cuddle a few minutes ago and i feel a bit calmer now. Just got to stay that way for the next few day and hope all goes well in the weeks after the op

OP posts:

catinthehat · 31/08/2008 22:21

I know the weather's been bad today, but this thread (and a similar one) has been dragging on for ten hours now.

I am about to work out how to permanently hide it from view. I've never had to do it before, but this one's a corker.

QuintessentialShadow · 01/09/2008 08:51

Well Cat, what a nice and constructive post on a thread where somebody needs a little support....

And how sad and pathetic are you for sitting here the last 10 hours being bugged by this thread?

Now, you have really shat on your own leg then, by posting here as you will see it in "my conversations" even if you manage to hide it from active convos.

Original poster

mymittens · 01/09/2008 09:10

Thanks QS, i was in tears after reading cat's post. I know i've been going on a bit but i really appreciated all the commnets from people, becuase all of the them were constructive and helpful (apart from cats)

OP posts:

catinthehat · 01/09/2008 09:12

Oh hi Quint, missing the point as usual!

And what hostile language you use. I would watch that blood pressure you fluffy little sweetypie! ,pates

Kissy! Mwah! Mwah!

catinthehat · 01/09/2008 09:18

pates (where did that come from?)

Unfortunately Mymittens, I wasn't trying to be constructive or supportive, I was just stating an intention. A number of the other posters have commented how self absorbed you seem, but you have ignored them I see.

QuintessentialShadow · 01/09/2008 09:21

There there, mops catinthehats brow. Really no need to turn up on a thread just to be rude.

catinthehat · 01/09/2008 13:00

etc

Beaches · 01/09/2008 22:38

There is a distinct diff qs.
Most of us gave constructive criticism, kindly pointing mittens in the "right" direction, you however were just being mean.

Did your parents never teach you if you have nothing nice to say... keep it shut!

Or to have a basic respect for another person when they are clearly hurting, if you dont like a thread, bugger off and stop making everyone else uncomfatable!!!

QuintessentialShadow · 02/09/2008 11:37

Beaches!
I have been on this thread since it started, trying to support the op, I was not aware I was mean and making other people uncomfortable. I really did not any of what I said qualifies to a "bugger off", neither an insult of my parents and my upbringing. You are very rude

QuintessentialShadow · 02/09/2008 11:38

I really did not THINK any ...

msdemeanor · 02/09/2008 11:46

I would shout at you to if I was married to you. Blimey, you harp on and on and on and on. THe bloke can't do ANYTHING right and you can't let anything go. Honestly, you sound infuriating.

Beaches · 02/09/2008 12:01

I am sooooo sorry qs!!! It was intended for cat not you!!

Pregnant brain

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