Married men, do they leave their wife for their mistress?

[BrazenHussy]

The old expression 'He'll never leave his wife for you' is what people tend to say to the mistress and there are, i dare say, many
mistresses putting their life on hold, waiting for their married men to leave their wives - either as he has promised to do or just because they think he will eventually when the kids grow up/move out etc

Reading through the relationship section on here, this doesn't appear to be the case - many do leave.

So, do these men suddenly just become new men and remain faithful to their new partners (mistress) or does a leopard never change his spots?

Is anyone prepared to share this on here?

my dad did! after 25 years of marriage!
and had two kids with that snake bitch!

he died 3 years ago at the age of 56.
heart attack.
I'm convinced that cunt drove him into an early gave.

I have a sister. one sister, that's it.

if my half-sisters ever needed me I would help them, but I don't consider them anything else than my dad's other kids.
I have no relationship with them.

I blame her and I blame him for a lot of shit that happened.
I don't know when, if ever, I will be able to forgive either one of them.

(not read thread, only reacted to title)

oh and my dad was engaged to someone else when she met my mum, he broke it up for her.

(actually she was engaged as well, but had already decided to end it before they met as it wasn't going well - this was confirmed by other people)

one of my relations does, he's on his third now.

(this is alleged to be a French proverb:)

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

Yes brazenhussy, the wife who forgives probably does have very low self esteem. But what about the women who are the scraps on the side? Or the man who needs to validate themselves by having affairs, I would imagine their self esteem is rock bottom to behave that way!

This is all very sexist. Of the affairs I know of, 3 of my professional girlfriends are having them.

Quite. For every man having an affair, there is a woman having it with him.

I think the reasons for having affairs are varied, and the outcome depends on who the affair is with as well. You have to look at both of them to see the patterns, looking at the men only is half the story.

That being said, I think an affair in the past is a very good predictor of an affair in the future.

Indeed, the 3 women I am referring to are all married and are having affairs with other married men. Btw, they all think they are in love but don't want to break up families. Only one seems to be managing it seamlessly, but she is a moral vacuum barrister so can always argue a justification.

My ex wife left me for the OM......

Didn't work out as when push came to shove he couldn't leave his wife!

She has since our he'd from one disaster to another and bitterly regrets her actions although in my opinion we were not suited anyway and it would have happened at some point.....

Moved

Why does she regret it maleview?

"Yes brazenhussy, the wife who forgives probably does have very low self esteem"

Oh that old cliche. Please do fuck off.

For all the heart rending stories you read on here there are many that you don't hear about. People don't tend to talk about the situations that work out in the end. Why? Who knows. I talk about mine, because it my case it is a way of dealing with it. On threads about reconciliation many strong, sorted women who have extremely high self esteem come out of the woodwork. They don't start threads of their own because they don't need the support. They have made their own peace.

I argue it takes a unique strength to make a successful go of things post an affair. I'm not talking about desperately hanging on, I'm talking about building a strong, mutually respectful relationship out of the ashes. It can and does happen. I had extremely low self esteem before DHs affair. We were in a bad place, two unhappy people who just couldn't make it work. I coped by withdrawing into myself and becoming depressed. He coped by having an affair, I think as a method of blowing everything out of the water in an attempt to escape our mutual misery. He was weak, a coward and cruel. He was also desperately unhappy. Did he make the right decision? Absolutely not. Am I glad it happened? Absolutely. If it hadn't happened I suspect we would now be divorced, and unhappy.

The fall out forced us to confront our issues. We separated, but made friends and for the first time in many years I actually had a vision of a happy future, but apart. We are now together, but are kinder, better people for it who appreciate each other in a way we never did before.

So fuck off with your low self esteem comment. It's incredibly short sighted and hurtful. Anyone who met me in real life would confirm that I'm about as far from that particular place as it is possible to be, and I am not alone in that.

Zombie thread

I had a 1 yr old DD and a 4yr old DD when he contacted me via Internet to say hi, always fancied you at college etc. totally fell, hook line and sinker. Tbh my relationship was dead in the water and I should have addresses that first. But no, an affair started and was pain Pain pain for 18 months til Exw told him to go. He lives on his own and we saw each other as often as possible. Going a good job to build something strong while understanding each others commitments (he has 2 DD's) . Going well after 2 years and he has just told me he has found someone else more 'spiritual' completely out of the blue. Utterly shocked - actually laughted when he told me. He's lost the plot. Gone from being a responsible hard working family man (matted for 15yrs) to this. I fully expect a call from ExW when she finds out. Gulp. It's disappointing but a friend told me that her grandma always said 'a relationship finishes the way it started'.

akiss

so it is!

does the Zombie warning not come up on phones or something?

Although the question is eternal, so no "harm" done IMO

I've had 3 friends in this sort of situation.

My female BF, was the OW. "He" was her tutor at college (she was a mature student). The "affair" went on for 8 years, he left his wife for her several times and went back, eventually he left his wife for good and they have been blissfully married for 9 years. He walked away when his children were old enough for him to explain to them (late teens) and after giving his 1st wife everything - house, finances, the lot.

I would be genuinely shocked if he was cheating on my BF. She has an excellent relationship with his 2 adult sons and their OH's, but has stated it is a bit awkward at his family gatherings if his 1st wife is present. They are close friends of DH and I and are open about the circumstances in which they met, although they don't broadcast it widely.

My other "friend" is the cheating "D"H. He has had 4 affairs to my knowledge (not with me, I hasten to add, he was someone I knew at work) - all long term-ish, 3+ years. At the moment, he's trying to make a go of his sham of a marriage, because he has 3 teenage children and he doesn't want to be a "Saturday dad". His wife knows about 2 affairs.

He has no intention of ever leaving for whatever OW he has at the time of any affair, and is actually a right bit of a cunt. He got his DW pregnant in the middle of a 5 year affair with an OW, and told the OW it was "an accident"... OW went off the rails and had to move jobs because she thought he'd leave his wife for her so they could start a family. He claims he's "unhappy" but stays for the children. He actually stays because he would be screwed financially if he and his wife divorced.

The 3rd friend, has just divorced at 50. Her ex-H screwed around in her marriage, had numerous affairs and really destroyed her. She is now having an affair with a man 15 years her junior, who is married with 2 small children. She claims she's not having an affair because she's not married and he's the one cheating. I've stopped taking her phone calls because I am fed up of her analysing how she is in the right to shag the married man. She's churning out all the cliches about how he's not understood by his wife, etc, etc. I'm not interested.

I don't judge any of them or their relationships, because it's not my place to, and my experience of different friends suggest that it's not black and white as it seems. BUT DH and I have discussed affairs with regards to our relationship and are both of the opinion that for us, an affair by either of us is an absolute deal breaker and that would be the end of our relationship.

They leave when the wife finds out, kicks them out and they have nowhere else to go
They wouldn't have the balls to leave otherwise. Big generalisation, obviously

If that fuck off was aimed at me worcestershiresauce, it is misplaced. I was quoting the OP and also pointing out that the person who has the affair and the OW have even lower self esteem to behave the way they do. HTH.

my dh had an affair before we married 7 years ago left me and 2dds for her and set up home... a couple of months later he relises it was a huge mistake, we were young 20 with 2 kids and a home, I think he found it too much pressure, not that theres an excuse. we worked it out and he came home. the ow hounded me calls all hours, threats from her and her friends, painting me as the ow. I held my head high, married my now dh 3 years ago and we now have a 3rd dd. I don't believe he has or will repeat his awful behaviour and thats why I took him back I could see what we would be together. the pain never leaves though it does bubble to the surface now and again but we deal with it by talking.

I hate the ow and infidelity with a passion but sometimes love does prevail these situations.

Not much point quoting the OP on a 5 year old thread though

No, it really isn't, I hadn't realised anyway, my point still stands that people who have affairs often have very low self esteem.

I had an exit affair and we are still together two years later. We were both married to people who had cheated on us in the past.

We didn't have a physical relationship until we'd both left though. So it's not as though we snuck around much..,

I am sure there are men out there who leave a bad marriage for their mistress and then are happily with them for the rest of their lives.

It's just that starting a relationship in an atmosphere of guilt and another family's distress and loss is a pretty inauspicious beginning. And if the man involved does happen to be an essentially a decent and sincere person (I personally don't subscribe to this idea that all people who have affairs are horrible) then once they have left their family and are with the mistress, they then need to work through all their feelings of sadness, guilt and grief for the previous relationship - particularly if children are involved.

So from the point of view of the mistress, they could face years of being in a relationship that isn't really about the new couple - it is horribly muddled up with the past.