Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So would you take revenge on the other woman if your DP/DH cheated on you?

85 replies

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2008 21:42

Tin of paint over her car?

Informing of her benifit fraud?

How far would you go?

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 24/08/2008 17:59

no i wouldnt at all. infact id feel more pity for her than anything as she is not the one in the wrong she si one of the wronged iyswim? if she didnt know he was married/in a relaionship then she gets hurt too.

if she did know that he was married and was not married herself then she is a bitch but still has done nothing wrong. she has not cheated on anyone.

if she was married i would tell her husband and take great pleasure doing so

ThoughtAboutDoingIt · 24/08/2008 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 24/08/2008 18:33

haven't done anything, best mate wanted to go to her town and sort things out, but as I see it, I have DS to think about, and am playing the smarter long game - revenge is best served cold, not hot headed in 5 minutes.

they (both x and her) will get theirs thou sooner or later.

ConstanceWearing · 24/08/2008 19:53

But OMG spandex, I wish it was sooner. I tell you this 'what goes around comes around', is going the bloody long-way round, let me tell you. I want them in tatters now!!!!!

quinne · 24/08/2008 20:13

It is both their faults. He betrayed you and your relationship and she just thought she'd help herself to a big chunk of another person's life. The only thing is there is history with him whereas she is just some stranger who has attacked you so your feelings for him might be confused whereas you can see her a bit more one dimensionally.
So when it happened to me, I felt it appropriate that they each feel some of the misery they had caused me whether that be by guilt, embarrassment, fear of exposure (her) or whatever. The best part though is years on being able to look them up on friends reunited and seeing what a mess they have made of their lives. What goes around, comes around.

Actually in the end she did me a favour and herself a big disfavour but that's not how she saw it at the time and it is not how I felt about it either back then.

ConstanceWearing · 25/08/2008 09:13

Agree Quinn, good point about different POV's about each of them because of relative proximity to your heart. V true.

ConstanceWearing · 25/08/2008 09:13

Agree Quinn, good point about different POV's about each of them because of relative proximity to your heart. V true.

HappyWoman · 25/08/2008 17:50

if ow knew about marriage and still wanted him - she is partly to blame - she knows he is a liar (as he is lying to him wife).

I feel sad now that i dont trust woman as much as i wish i could - the only man i really need to trust is my h (who has cheated in the past) but there are a lot of woman who come into contact with him and it just sort of feels odd that i dont fully trust them either.

I think had you asked me i woudl have trusted the ow - in fact i even asked her to tell me if he was still with her - in return for my not causeing a scene at her work. she was still too weak or pathetic to let me know - she felt she owed me nothing and quite frankly i feel i now or ever owe her nothing good will or bad.

limecrush · 25/08/2008 17:57

Do agree the focus of anger and revenge on the OW seems odd when she is not the person who has betrayed YOUR relationship. Also I am uncomfortable with the idea that they're all blameworthy slappers- we have all made mistakes in the past (and I have NOT slept with a married man btw but got near it in my time )

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 25/08/2008 17:58

I wouldn't lower myself to let her know her actions had hurt me.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 26/08/2008 00:24

I would have to do the paint over the car thing!

Why do some people think it's different/worse if the OW is (was) a friend?

OP posts:
eidsvold · 26/08/2008 07:54

I wanted to considering she was my best friend - stood up for me at our wedding and was also married herself.

I would shop for benefit fraud BUT would not stoop to something like paint over the car.

I tried to just get on with my life and live it well.

Sometimes it takes a while for it to come around BUT it does.

Not long after they had both left me and her dh - they had sadness in their families with deaths of members - unexpectedly and in terrible circumstances.

BUT for me - 14 years later i ran into them not having seen them for about 13 years and she looked like hell - he looked dreadful. They looked like life had beat the will to live out of them. She looked so dowdy, was very large - as was he and they looked like misery guts. I just laughed cause here was two people who only wanted to be together and that is all they needed to be happy and it looked like they had been serving a life sentence. They also were very vain with their appearances and so on. I just laughed and thought how life changes. I have wonderful dh and three gorgeous girls.

In fact if he had not given me the filthiest look I probably would not have recognised them or even looked twice.

I also found that they were ready to dish out lies as to why they had to leave their respective spouses and be together. I was a bitch and her ex was terrible. So why prove all their lies wrong. WHy let them say - 'see - told you she was a nutter/bitch/ hard to live with etc.'

Nothing to stop you plotting thoughts of revenge in your head or even writing about them. Then shred it or burn it and let it go. I did that too.

troubledfriend · 26/08/2008 07:56

Adultery is not against the law

Vandalising a car is.

Alexa808 · 26/08/2008 08:00

Eidsvold and others have said it already.

Your best revenge is to live a good and happy life and not look back.

Hecate · 26/08/2008 08:26

I wouldn't do anything to her. She owes me nothing (unless it's my mother or something!!). I married him, not her, so direct the rage at the right person. Women tend to focus on the other woman because they can't bear the pain of accepting that the man they love has betrayed them, so it's easier - a form of self-protection - to pretend that he had no choice, that the other woman cast a spell on him and he was a victim.

He did
She didn't
He wasn't

A man betrays his wife because that is HIS choice, so be mad with him.

And make the stairs really slippery, and clean your arse with his toothbrush and stuff......

Eddas · 26/08/2008 08:28

My experience isn't as bad as everyone else's but my first ever boyfriend ( serious not holding hands type!) cheated on me, i'm sure, even though it was never confirmed. I always had revenge ideas in my head for both her and him, but never actually carried any of them out. Five years later he dumped her on valentines day. Perfect

She went on to marry and has 2 children.

He's living with someone he met on the net and has a child (not his) and she sounds like a lovely person

I have a lovely dh and 2 beautiful dc.

A friend of mine's boyfriend cheated on her and she scratched his car with wire and by scratched I mean badly. She was question by the police as he knew it was her. They couldn't prove it. But is it really worth it?

As everyone else has said, best revenge is to hold your head high. You know you are right they are wrong.

HappyWoman · 26/08/2008 08:45

also a bit sad that even though everyone knows it is morally wrong it is somehow accepted as the norm.

I think it would be better if we all looked out for each other instead of being selfish for our own needs.

Cheats justify it to themselves and they very rarely get the flack they deserve.

I was angry with a lot of people - of course my h was the biggest target for my anger but i was also angry with others that knew it was going on but chose not to let me know. Most of the people that did know have since appologised a lot for not telling me or confronting either of them - but to this day the ow has not had the decency to admit to me that she was in some way to blame. She knew she was hurting me (legally or not!!!) and i am sorry but anyone that goes out of their way to cause me any pain does deserve my anger.
I know too though that there are some people who do follow a different moral code and so she does not really deserve my effort - and instead i have directed some of that energy into changing my life for the better (so i could thank her too).

newforold · 26/08/2008 09:19

My sister got the best revenge by doing nothing more than moving on.

Her husband left her at Christmas (literally christmas eve)for one of his pupils. She didn't cry or rant in front of him, she didn't bad mouth the other woman or go looking for her.

Instead she offered her husband a deal, she would divorce him for adultery and go for a part of his business, pensions, savings etc or he walked away with the 10k he had stolen from their joint savings whilst she got to keep the beautiful large new house they had bought weeks before complete with brand new kitchen and they got a quickie divorce.

He chose the quickie divorce, DS now owns a large property with a large amount of equity in it and is set for life.
Ex husband on the other hand is potless. He left DSis because his OW was pregnant aged 18 (he and DSis are 34), OW does not work and will not work in the future, he was always the lower earner anyway, they have a baby they cannot afford and live in a cramped one bed grotty flat. Ex is now being treated for depression.

DSis has just come back from a 6 month round the world trip, been promoted, has a lovely new boyfriend and looks fantastic.

hecate · 26/08/2008 09:30

Excellent!

Does the ex beg to come back or anything?

HappyWoman · 26/08/2008 09:34

yes that is the best revenge - but unfortunaly often the affair is dicovered when the wife is already at a low ebb - and has in fact been slowly going mad because she feels there is something wrong with the marriage and is doing her best to salvage that.

The wife is at an all time low self esteem wise - and if fact should not be critised for her (often out of character) outbursts at ow. She is often in shock and not thinking straight anyway.

In an ideal world - the ow should not take the flack but i still say that if i was the ow i would fully expect her wrath and so would have entered into situation knowing that.

stirlingmum · 26/08/2008 09:50

Agree with HW - When you first find out it is like someone pulls a rug out from under you. Everything changes. You dont have a lovely h to confide in because he has morphed into someone completly different.

I was definitely capable of doing some serious damage to ow when I found out but lucky for her she was in another country. And I am actually a nice and gentle person!

I am fine with it now, honestly! {now, where did I put the phone number for the hitman??}

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 09:52

Agree with troubledfriend .

Adultery won't send anyone to jail.

FlightAttendent · 26/08/2008 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eidsvold · 26/08/2008 10:14

stirling mum - I lost my best friend of many years - we had been friends all through high school and beyond and my h in the one go.

FlightAttendent · 26/08/2008 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn