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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

will dp ever get divorced? long

59 replies

howtobehated · 21/08/2008 14:21

when i met dp he was married and i was in a relationship, i ended my relationship of 2 years as soon as i realised i had feelings for dp, dp ended marriage of 20 years after 3 months of us spending time together. his wife didn't want to split as he supported her and they had a good friendship but nothing more. we have been together 7 years now and although harsh i know what we did was right for us, we now have a 13 month old dd who is amazing! my problem is dp left marital home 6 years ago, split savings, paid off mortage but that is it. they never divorced, he still pays some bills his x can't afford on their shared house and he takes her the money every couple of months, they never talk about changing things. i ask him to get divorced as i want a clean start and don't like him having finances tied up elsewhere when we have a house and a baby to support. also i don't want dd to grow up with her dad married to someone else. i know you will all hate me for being the other woman but what should i do?

OP posts:
islandlassie · 21/08/2008 14:28

what does he say when you ask him to get a divorse?

Original poster
howtobehated · 21/08/2008 14:34

well he isn't a talker, he listens to my reasoning, goes quiet, says i'm right and he knows things can't carry on as they are, looks upset, i am normally crying by this point, says he doesn't want to cause anymore upset as things have settled down now and he doesn't know how to broach the subject, doesn't want to take the house off his x as she has nowhere else and doesn't earn much but doesn't want to give her the house as he has bought it, i tell him give her it as we don't want it and it isn't fair to take half and she can't but us out. basically he agrees with me, says its hard and then does nothing. i have tried shouting, being upset (genuinely) and stepping back but to no avail.

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 21/08/2008 14:40

Make him an appointment with a solicitor and go with him. Maybe he doesn't want to cut ties through guilt.

Original poster
howtobehated · 21/08/2008 14:45

he is ridden with guilt, he hated upsetting x at time and she wanted him to stay and hates causing upset. i understand he bought house but i wish he would give it to her and then walk away for good.

OP posts:
islandlassie · 21/08/2008 14:52

hmmm... wow not easy!

At the end of the day though she is not his responsibility anymore. He has a family with you now and he needs to honour that. Thats not to say that kicking her out or anything like is fair, but he at least needs to start talking to her about it and talking about her options.

I don't understand her either, NO OFFENCE but your partner did the dirty on her and if that was me i would hate him, pack up and move in with a relative or something like, start from scratch and rebuild my life. Not rely on my x who is with another woman! Thats almost completely pathetic!

That is what she may end up having to do and I'm sure you're partner must feel dreadful about it, for you aswell as her but when he left his wife and moved in with you that is the choice he made and he has to live with that and it's consequences for every party and get on with it. Doing this 'half way' kind of thing is totally impractical and unfair.

ALL just my opinion, no intention of hurting or offending anyone, and I may be completely wrong but i hope all goes well for you anyway, no matter what happens!

stirlingmum · 21/08/2008 14:55

A word of warning ...

I knew someone in your position. Her dp was lovely actually, but he always looked after his 1st wife and dc. He died and everything he owned just went to the wife (insurance, work pension etc), his poor dp ended up fighting to stay in the house that they had lived in and spent so much money on solicitors & everything.

Even though it is a morbid thought, he should make sure that you and the dc are fine just in case anything happens to him.

Original poster
howtobehated · 21/08/2008 15:02

islandlassie, thanks for your understanding, i expected to get shot down, i don't understand her either, i think she keeps the peace to live in nice house and have shortfall of bills paid, i think also its because they lived as just friends for so long there was no passion to turn to hate. she even asked him if they could remain friends and she could cook for him sometimes, its hard to follow mother teresa.
stirlingmom, i have thought this, he had no dc with x so would my dd get nothing? he lives in my house so don't think i would lose it but then i probably wouldn't afford it on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtobehated · 21/08/2008 15:50

so how do you make a man do something when they just avoid the situation?

OP posts:
Vian · 21/08/2008 17:50

Well this is why you don't hook up with and develop feelings for a married man despite what they tell you about the state of the marriage.

olympicsnotfederer · 21/08/2008 17:58

uncalled for vian

Upwind · 21/08/2008 17:59

"so how do you make a man do something when they just avoid the situation? "

You can't force him to divorce her, or cut his ties with her.

Rhonds · 21/08/2008 18:38

He has his reasons for not divorcing her and they might not all be readily apparent. Fundamentally if he wanted to divorce her and marry you/not marry you he would.

MuchLessTiredNow · 21/08/2008 18:40

echo the thing about the will - you must make sure you and dc are provided for - don't hate you btw - who on earth can make perfect choices?

Blandmum · 21/08/2008 18:44

he had an affair and ditched his wife of 20 years. He isn't making the split formal. I might be very cynical but it sounds like he wan't to have his cake an eat it

Vian · 22/08/2008 19:43

Sounds like the wife had her life ruined.

frisbyrat · 22/08/2008 20:42

I think he may well be enjoying his life with you now, but still envisages himself spending his old age with his wife in the end. Sorry.

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 20:54

See a solicitor. You're in a very vulnerable position should you split or your partner dies.

Original poster
howtobehated · 22/08/2008 22:12

i know what i did was wrong but we fell in love, i agree i probably wrecked her life but if he was happy with her why was he falling in love with me. he is the perfect partner to me and perfect daddy to our dd. i'm not bothered about his money as long as dd is cared for. i dont think he is havin his cake and eating it as he isn't in a relationship with his wife, he left her 6 years ago and sees her every couple of months to give her money. i do think he likes to know the other house is there as security for him if we did split up though. i wish i'd insisted he was divorced before we had dd, it's not fair on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtobehated · 22/08/2008 22:13

this is the only thing we disagree on and i'm fed up of it ruining things.

OP posts:
RambleOn · 22/08/2008 22:32

Him divorcing his wife has no need to alter her financial circs if that is what he is really worried about. He can continue allowing her to live in the house, etc.

Having been living apart for so long, a 'quickie'divorce would be quick and cheap to obtain, provided of course that she doesn't contest his petition.

And if you were to marry, he would be automatically entitled to a share in your house, thus making his financial position MORE secure than it is currently.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he doesn't want to divorce her for more emotional than practical/financial reasons.

Upwind · 23/08/2008 08:44

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who has been separated for 15 years but still wears her wedding and engagement ring. She has been living happily with her new DP for ten years and her XH has been happy with his DP for a similar length of time. She explained that both her and her XH strongly believed that marriage should only happen once and you stayed married for life. Living together made them miserable and they were happy with their new partners but would never divorce and she would always consider herself married to her XH while devoted to her DP. She claimed that it is not that unusual a setup.

Maybe your partner feels the same way. Does he have children with his ex?

Original poster
howtobehated · 23/08/2008 17:17

no he doesn't have children with her, i could understand if he did feel that way and i don't particularly want to get married myself, i just wish he would tell me the truth about his reasons. i just want dd to be secure, financially and emotionally when she is older.

OP posts:
DivaSkyChick · 23/08/2008 18:43

Would it be possible for him to put his half of the house he owns in your daughter's name?

Does he have life insurance? A will? All the emotional stuff aside, exactly how does he plan to provide for his daughter should something happen to him. That's really the only important thing at this point, as you've said.

I think if you put it that way to him, you may get farther. And as someone else said, book an appointment with a soliciter. Be nice if he came along to see exactly how screwed your daughter is in this situation.

Original poster
howtobehated · 23/08/2008 20:37

he has no insurance, no will, i have just written him a long email (he won't talk so i've written everything that i want to say) asking him to sort things for our dd financially, he won't read it till monday but it felt good to get it all down.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 24/08/2008 12:59

Message withdrawn

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