will dp ever get divorced? long

[howtobehated]

when i met dp he was married and i was in a relationship, i ended my relationship of 2 years as soon as i realised i had feelings for dp, dp ended marriage of 20 years after 3 months of us spending time together. his wife didn't want to split as he supported her and they had a good friendship but nothing more. we have been together 7 years now and although harsh i know what we did was right for us, we now have a 13 month old dd who is amazing! my problem is dp left marital home 6 years ago, split savings, paid off mortage but that is it. they never divorced, he still pays some bills his x can't afford on their shared house and he takes her the money every couple of months, they never talk about changing things. i ask him to get divorced as i want a clean start and don't like him having finances tied up elsewhere when we have a house and a baby to support. also i don't want dd to grow up with her dad married to someone else. i know you will all hate me for being the other woman but what should i do?

Your DP's wife is in a fairly good position, which she may not want to change re: pension rights etc. If your DP died suddenly, I think this is where you stand:
His wife takes:

• His personal effects (which I presume are in your house! Eek).
• £125,000 free of Inheritance Tax.(including the value of the house)
• A life interest in half the remainder of the estate.

Your daughter takes:

• The other half of the remainder of the estate. (Held in trust until she is 18).
• The capital from his wife's life interest fund when she dies.

So your daughter will own a portion of DP's house, but his wife is free to make a separate Will, leaving her share to whoever she wants! Don't forget, his wife may be under the impression that she will inherit everything if she doesn't get divorced, as you aren't married. I suggest your DP talks to HER, as well as a solicitor. Could he give her the house, and perhaps take out an annuity in her name, so she has an income?

listen to stirlingmum!

you are leaving yourself and your child financially vulnerable here.

dragon, are you saying our dd would have a claim on his house with his ex? what is a life interest?
his wife doesn't wnat a divorce, she says because she doesn't believe in it but i think she knows she is onto a good thing, ie house, cheap living, pension etc. i also think she would try and take his money since the split even though she had her half at the time which she spent quickly.
I think dp also doesn't beleive in divorce and feels he has done a very bad thing morally. I can't see how living with me and being married to her is good morally though, to me it's worse than hetting divorced.

can't you threaten to leave him, on the basis that his ex wife obviously is more important to him than you and DD? That might make him sort his priorities a bit better?

i wouldn't leave him cos i love him and he is a great dad, and he knows i wouldn't. In a way he is holding all the cards in both situations.

Hi HTBH. Yes, your daughter would have a claim on his estate, as far as I know. There are some differences in the Law in Scotland/ Ireland/ Channel Islands, but you said he doesn't have a Will, so the Intestacy Laws apply.

(By the way, will EVERYONE Google 'Intestate' now!! It's quite an eyeopener, and it's amazing how many people just make assumptions!)

After his wife is allocated the £125,000, half the remaining estate would be invested, and the interest on this would go to his wife, until she dies. This is a 'life interest'.
When she dies, I THINK it would go to your daughter, ( she would already have the other half, held in trust until she is 18). It's v. complex, but the law now broadly regards illegitimate children (sorry to sound Victorian!) as having the same rights as the 'marrieds'.
So, the final scenario is:

1. You would probably get nothing (you might have some claim as you have been together more than 2 years),-but would change if you were in a Civil Partnership
2. Wife gets £125,000, plus all personal possessions
3. Your daughter could end up 'owning' part of the house DP's wife is living in! I am not a solicitor, but as we have recently had 3, (yes,3!!)Intestate deaths in the family, I know FAR too much about it! Get legal advice now!!

I am sorry to say this but he DOES NOT WANT to get divorced and if you nag/ cajole him into it , he is likely to resent you for it.

That is part of the fallout when you fall in love/ set up home with a married man.

Marriage is a legally binding contract, not just about being in love and wanting to spemd time with someone.

You get the "in love "and the time, his wife gets the legal stuff. he clearly feels a degree of loyalty towards her.I still think you get the better deal .In fact you and his wife both get the deal that is right for you. In a way there is no problem.

Do you earn your own money? Are you financially independent? None of this would matter if you were.

Why can't you support your daughter in the event of his untimely death?

And why should his wife not inherit his estate? She was with hinm for many long years.

I don't think anyone hates you by the way!

I for one don't judge you at all for the way you got together but it does have practical repercussions.

I do hope things work out for you. Could you perhaps just learn to live with the situation?

If he's chosen to be with howtobehated and have a child with her then his loyalty should lie with her. His wife had her share of money from the house, she still lives in the marital home, he still gives her extra money. He could continue to give her more money if he feels the need but i think it's fair to say that he should ensure that howtobehated and child will be ok if anything happens to him.

howtobehated - your DP hasn't actually worked through his feelings and factual (financial) situation. He is burying his head in the sand because it all feels too complex for him to handle - and it probably is, he isn't mentally up to it.

You definitely need your DP to take proper legal advice on his own from a sympathetic solicitor to discuss the options. It seems as if the house his wife is living in is a real issue - he seems to want to own the house but doesn't want to prevent her from living in it. He needs to realise that he is doing no-one any favours by carrying on like this - he can't get his hands on his money and she isn't living independently. It's lose-lose.

In 10-20 years he will probably do the same thing to you that he did to his wife so yeah sort things out money wise.

Men like something fresh in bed even if they really do love their wives and families and want to grow old attached to them. The fresh piece of * usually believes that it is love and he fell in love because wither her because wifey wasn't "the one" and blah blah blah. Total crock.

Men love their dicks first and foremost, and they especially like someone new in bed more than they like any one particular person.

If he hasn't sorted things out by now I doubt he really wants to. These men know what they are doing.

Troubledfriend :'And why should his wife not inherit his estate? She was with him for many long years.'
It's not a question of whether she should inherit his estate. The point is she WON'T, as;

1. There is no Will - so Intestacy Laws apply.
2. Her husband has a child.

TF, i agree i would rather have the time and love than the money, i am currently a sahm but will go back to work when dd is older and would certainly support her myself, i don't want his other house or anything from when he was married, but i think anything after their split should go to dd not me.
i don't want his money.
hope he never leaeves me anna but if he does i'l deal with it,

i can relate - my hubby was married for 16yrs before he met me; they lived separate lives for the last couple of years prior to me. i was engaged to someone else. but we both fell in love with one another. i left my exfiance and he left his wife - citing me in the divorce. which is fine. we now have a 14mth old son and we've been through a lot. i don't think vian is right when she says that. after all men are people too. whether you want to acknowledge that or not. it did take me a while to convince hubby to marry because 'once bitten twice shy'. theirs was not a happy marriage. sorry vian if things were bad for you - but you can't tar all men with the same brush! or all 'other women' either! HTBH, it is strange that he hasn't wanted to take that next step.but if he does feel morally blameworthy then you need to remind him of your childs future. his ex can look out for herself - she's a grown woman, and not yours or your partners responsibility.

Hi HTBH. I think you will have to face the fact that he may never divorce his wife, or even make a proper Will. That would involve hard decisions, which he is clearly reluctant to make. If you can't get him to see a solicitor, go yourself, so you can be completely sure of you/your daughter's legal rights.

I would also try another tack. If I were you, I would plan for DD's future myself. Make an appointment with an Independent Financial Adviser,(one with expertise in family investments/insurance) take DP if you can. You need to consider your own position/Life Insurance/savings. How would your DP and daughter fare if something happened to you? My DH earns enough (just!) to cover our bills, but he couldn't do that if I snuffed it, and he had to pay for childcare for our 3.
You DP may not want to divorce his wife, but there's nothing stopping him investing now for his daughter.
And please be aware;
'I think anything after their split should go to dd not me'. NOT HAPPENING! They are still married. If your DP won the Lottery tomorrow, his wife would still have a claim. Everything he earns is still marital property.

Excuse me Tinytoesize 4 but I have been married for 10 years very happily to the same guy and neither of us has ever cheated (if he has I am not aware of it nor do I have reason to suspect, he works with all men and does not have a phone or go out without me). Yes we are boring.

People who break up families/marriages because of some silly dumbass romantic notions are nasty and have a lot to answer for. I don't believe the "we have been living separetely crap, and the marriage was a disaster so I can do as I feel" crap. If that was the case he would have left the marriage long before he lusted afterfell for someone else.

i wasn't saying that monogamy was boring. neither was saying that either of you had cheated. i was however, saying that 'dumbass romantic notions' are what bring people together. if that didn't happen for you, fine. but, as you have never been in that situation, either from the position of a cheater or cheated on spouse, it is hard to say exactly what one is feeling. i think that HTBH and others have shown that relationships break up but partners move on afterwards - finding lives with different people. if that happens when one or the other is with someone else the right thing to do in that situation is to end it with the person that don't want to be with. generalising and saying that all people who break up marriages are nasty and have a lot to answer for is not just ignoring real life circumstance but suggestive of a defensive stance in relation to their own domain, which is only correct - it is said that the best defence is the offensive one. it is fine to hold your own opinion Vian based upon accurate ideas, and even to hold them based on none at all. they are opinions after all. but this thread has drifted from topic, sorry if it was hijacked i nthe first place. good luck, HTBH my advice is keep talking, somethings bound to get through eventually!

Dragon, by inherit his estate I mean in as much as she is currently entitiled as things stand. The husband may well be aware of his wife's current entitilement and think it fair so be reluctant to change anything.

He certainly hes his head in the sand. The cusrrent situation is pretty unsatisfactory.

Let's not forget the opposite is true if the wife dies first.Husband will have a claim on HER estate.

Vian I am not sure where your view of men comes from but it is not one I recognise

Hi I am new to this thread, and have read it with interest.

So, if I understand correctly, his wife lives in their marital home, and there is currently no mortgage on it. He lives with you in your house. Is there a mortgage on your house? Is he paying anything into that mortgage?

You say you are a sahm. Does his salary support you? Or do you have your own money?
Does this mean that he in fact supports two homes? One with his wife, and one with you and his baby?

I am just wondering, and I am not a lawyer, but seing as they are married, and she has a claim to half of what is his, and if he pays into your mortgage, can the wife stake a claim ton(part of) your house at any point?

Thank you tinytoes, i appreciate your comments and it's nice to be understood. I thikn he feels his ex is his responsibility as if he hadn't left her she would be better off. He just feels guilty and doesn't want to make it worse for her, but is making it hard on me in the mean time.
Vian - i don't believe i broke up the marriage, they lived together happily as friends and then we fell in love and he left to live with me, they were just friends, when he told her he loved me she said he could still live there and see me?? Obviously there was no passion or jealousy, she just wanted him to live there.
QS - There is no mortgage on marital home as he paid it off when he left, he lives with me in our house which is registered in my name, he is listed as living here on the deeds, there is a mortgage on our house, he has always given me money towards bills, mortgage, food etc and since our dd was born he pays everything to provide for his dd as i'm a sahm.

Well, in that case you need to let a solicitor check if his wife has claims to part of his half of your house should he pass away.

I'm still reading, but I just wanted to say, I feel so much better about my situation!

I'm also with a "married" man (despite the fact they still are legally married, they're not married, right?) and we've been together for 4 years. They've been separated much longer than we've been together. The pair of them have dragged their feet over divorcing, even though they both have new partners with second babies by respective partners on the way. Last time she refused to sign because of things like spelling mistakes on the documents. She has said she's starting a separation divorce but we've not heard anything since. He sounds about as laid back as your DP!

It's horrid living with a married man! It took a very long time for my dh to get divorced and a lot of heated arguments, and wondering if we would stay together.

You are getting lots of good practical advice here so I can't add anything sensible.

You will feel much better when you have more information and feel more in control.

WRITE THAT WILL! I think there is 'Free Will Week' - there used to be one anyway. Basically when you write a will, the solicitor will take you through the options (usually about tax/property), draft it up, and you sign it. Having a will should be a fact of life, like tax and death.

Right, onto you. You do need to see a solicitor for yourself because you are in very dangerous waters, as has already been said she is his legal wife (even if she?s not his wife, as I said in my PP) so if anything happens you will be left with nothing.

You haven?t ruined her life, you didn?t force her husband to leave her or make him fall in love with you and if they weren?t in love anymore anyway then what?s changed other than they don?t live together? You?ve hardly stolen away the love of her life. But to ask that question in a different context, what has changed between them? She is living a good life; I should imagine it?s having an affect on what he can afford to put into your home.

I think you are foolish to say you wouldn?t leave him. This man is putting you in a really dodgy situation and putting more care and consideration into his ex-wife than you and your daughter. However good a partner and father he is, that is saying a lot more than anything else he can do.

I?m glad that you?ve written it all down in an email though, that can be a great help as you can be sure you?ve said everything and he can?t ignore you. Is he more likely to respond to an email than he would be face to face?