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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL being weird.....

29 replies

strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 13:27

Ok so MIL has always been strange. Doesn't mix with anyone or know how to mix with people and how to talk to people. We live right next door to them and they help me out with kids quite alot. We have had the odd row. I never see her anymore. FIL is always there in morning when I drop them off, she is upstairs and when I pick them up he is often in the garden with them. I am potty training DD2 at the mo and she will put a nappy on her if she wets herself.

It's DD2 birthday next mon and tomorrow I am having a little kiddi party for her, do i invite them to the party or invite them on sunday when I have all my family over (dont really want them to come and they probably wouldnt come anyway!)

I dont know what is wrong with her recently, she is so moody all the time and never listens to me.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 20/08/2008 13:30

Sorry you dont speak to her but she looks after your dd?

Ok you may not like her etc but surely you have to maintain a relationship with her even if its to say-

dd needs calpol at 11am or we are potty training dd and are doing the following....please can you do the same.

Yes invite them to the party give them the option of which one they would like to attend

Could you break the ice and have a heart to heart with her?

What does dh think?

ILovePudding · 20/08/2008 13:36

You should invite them.

Shitehawk · 20/08/2008 13:46

What an odd relationship - she provides stacks of child-care; you don't talk to her. I wonder whether the moodiness is because she's feeling taken forgranted by you?

I think you need to talk to her and clear the air. She will be around for a long time, and you can make things very difficult for yourself if you aren't prepared to at least meet her half-way.

Keep the moral high-ground and invite her. She can never throw it back into your face if you at least try to remain civil with her and include her in things.

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 13:47

No I hardly see her, I feel she hides upstairs unitl i drop kids off, always speak to FIL though.

I have explained I am potty training but they dont sit her on the potty enough and she wets herself which is why she puts a nappy on her. If I bring it up and say anything she will get the wrong idea and think im having a go and then tell me im ungrateful, I've been there before.

Cant have a heart to heart as she is very stubborn and wont talk. DH knows how she is and says that is the way she is but I dont think it's right.

I am about to ring her and invite them to the party.

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 20/08/2008 13:49

Does your DH see her.
Is she avoiding you or is something going on with her at the moment(low mood)
You said she lives next door so IMO I would definately invite her .
You need to maintain a relationship for the sake of your DC, only speaking to/handing over DC to FIL is odd

norksinmywaistband · 20/08/2008 13:51

She lives next door and you are phoning. That is odd iMO

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 13:57

I was worried she feels im taking her for granted but I always thank them and occasionally buy her flowers as a nice guesture. I used to offer to take them out but she never wants to go anywhere.

DH and her dont really see eye to eye either, their personalities are very similar and they cant deal with each other very much so he just thinks this is normal behaviour for her.

I was going to ask if it's too much looking after the kids but dont know how to ask. Im on my own all week, DH works in germany so they are my only support really.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 20/08/2008 14:00

Call in to see her
Explain that you are concerned that you dont see her at the moment and that is is in your dd best interests to have a chat about the potty training and what you expect them to do.
Ask if they require a potty,toilet seat, knickers, pull ups
Do they want paying for looking after dd

My mil has recently gone through a quiet spell although not as extreme as this, but it turns out she has been seeing a gynae doc and has to have a hysterectomy for suspected uterine cancer- all the time I thought I had upset her How self centered am I

Please clear the air

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:08

I have to phone her as in the afternoon they go upstairs to watch TV and rest so they dont answer the door.

Right just spoke to her. They will come on sunday for dinner. I asked her if she is ok, she says she has high blood pressure (she has done it herself but not been to the doc) and has a headache and needs some rest.

I am using their car until the weekend, as I said they never go out only on a saturday to shop and we are getting a new car on saturday. I have always given them a couple of days where I have said I dont need the car but last week they didn't use it either. I said they can have the car tomorrow if they want to go out so i dont know if they will.

Was thinking of giving her a card or is that a silly idea?

Also dont think I will send the kids round there the rest of the week and next week.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 20/08/2008 14:10

Yes send a card and maybe a bunch of flowers

"thanks for all your help with dd and car etc love Strawberries and cream"

Shitehawk · 20/08/2008 14:13

I think you need to get yourself different childcare. And probably stop using their car too. I don't mean this in a nasty way, but you sound as if you take an awful lot from them, and possibly don't give a huge amount back, although that's difficult to work out from one or two posts. Maybe they make it hard for you to give anything back to them, but that doesn't stop resentments building if they are feeling used or taken forgranted.

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:20

Thanks lily.

It's not my fault im using their car, DH decided to sell our one leaving me to use theirs until we get another one. Its hard for me to give back to them as they are so withdrawn.

OP posts:
Shitehawk · 20/08/2008 14:29

I wasn't apportioning blame, S&C. Merely stating that, as you are using them for free childcare and now you are also using their car, it might be worth bearing in mind that they could be resentful of that and resentment could be part of the reason your MIL is so moody all the time and never listens to you.

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:33

yes I know. I am going to write her a card as thats probably the best way.

Also with DH being away all week so I bring up the kids on my own most of the time and then some weekends he's not here so it's hard on me too and they have always said they will help out with the kids. When they dont go out all week and sit at home doing nothing it bugs me so i ask them if they will look after kids for couple hours. Even if they had the car all week they still wouldn't go out!

God, i feel like a really nasty person now, Im not, honest!

OP posts:
goingslowlymad · 20/08/2008 14:39

"When they dont go out all week and sit at home doing nothing it bugs me so i ask them if they will look after kids for couple hours. Even if they had the car all week they still wouldn't go out!"

You sound completely self-centred and self-absorbed.

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:41

thanks for that, why do I sound self centered?

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:44

goingslowlymad, do you look after your kids day in day out all week without a H coming home in the evenings? Sometimes H not being around very much at weekends too.

OP posts:
goingslowlymad · 20/08/2008 14:49

I often do, yes.

My PIL are in their 70s and have never, ever been left alone with my children.

My mother is dead.

My father babysits on average 4 times a year, but my children are bathed, fed and in bed asleep before his arrival.

When I chose to have a family I didn't do it on the proviso that family would regularly give me a break because they have nothing better to do.

I think you need to stop moaning and appreciate you PIL.

andiem · 20/08/2008 14:50

I do strawberries
maybe they are watching telly or reading or just enjoying not working now they are retired
you do sound quite judgey of them and it does sound as if they do a lot for you
I am in the same positon as you dh works away a lot I know how hard i can be but cut them a bit of slack

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 14:57

Ok points taken.

Am going to give them some slack and not put on them so much. Have just given MIL a card saying thank you for all she has done for me. I feel really bad now but thanks for all your advice

OP posts:
Songbird · 20/08/2008 15:04

The last few posts have been quite judgemental of s&c. Not everyone finds it easy to cope on their own, surely you must appreciate that. I don't live anywhere near any of my family (not even in the same country) and even though I returned to work out of financial necessity, if I hadn't I would have gone quite mad by now. I find dd really stressful sometimes, and if i have an odd day off work I thank god I can put her in nursery and have time to myself! Am I selfish? Putting my needs before dd's?

Songbird · 20/08/2008 15:06

oh, and in the card say something like 'sorry to hear you've been feeling under the weather. Thank you for all your help and support. If there's anything I can do for you until you're back on your feet, please let me know'. Lay it on!

andiem · 20/08/2008 15:09

no songbird but when people are looking after your dcs for you and lending you their car and they are elderly I think you need to allow them the opportunity to do what they wish when they want

my ds2 is going into nursery two mornings a week in sept to give me some time to myself but I am paying for that care not asking relatives to do it for free which imo is different

desperatehousewifetoo · 20/08/2008 15:10

You could offer to get them some shopping or cook them dinner one night to try to help them out.

If they rest every afternoon it sounds as though they need it.

My parents (late 60's) find my 2 dcs very tiring to be around and I am very aware about bot asking them to do too much.

I'm sure it's so tempting to ask them to help out as they live next door. Is there a friend with dcs who could help out nd you could reciprocate for her?

Hope the party goes well this weekend.

Original poster
strawberriesandcream01 · 20/08/2008 15:16

Thank you songbird, I was beginning to feel awful about all this but your right.

I dont find it easy to cope on my own, a 5 yr old and a nearly 2 yr old who wont go to nursery until next september, I had PND last year and have struggled alot, still do now.

Im not saying I leave them everyday with PIL but once or twice a week is all im saying and I go to the gym for a couple of hours, surely that's not a sin? If my mum lived near me she would be happy to spend time with her grandchildren.

DH is atking a year of work in september to do a masters so no income for a year otherwise I would put DD2 into nursery or join a gym with a creche I could use a couple of mornings a week but we just dont need that extra expense at the moment. Plus PIL have always said they are happy to look after kids.

DD1 will be back to school in 2 weeks, I think also because she has had 9 weeks off it has been hard.

Given the card now so hopefully she will read it soon.

OP posts: