DP is cr*p with money...please help! Any suggestions welcome!

[emma2617]

Well its a bit of a long story but when I met DP I didnt know he had debts etc or that he was rubbish with money, this only came to light after a year when british gas "entered" our property to cut off the gas and managed to break the lock so that when we got home we were locked out. Then I found out that he was well over his over-draft limit, to the point where his wages never brought his account to a positive balance.

Although being a lot younger than him (I'm 22 he is 29) I am really good with money! I have a budget spreadsheet in excel which I stick to and update through the month, I know when all my DDs are due tocome out of my account and chck that they are so that I know where I am up to.

He never checked his balance, jsut took cash out until the machine said "insufficient funds".

So i decided to try and help him, we got him a loan to pay off his debts and bring his account to zero and I stressed to him checking his balance and being aware of what bills would come out and when. Although I have been paying more than my fair share for the last couple of months I haven't minded as he has been keeping his finances straight...until today.

He has just called me to say that his bank have bounced a DD (which means he has already hit £100 overdrawn). When I say anything, as this makes me upset and stressed, he says I am snapping and says I am making him feel like crap.

I don't know what to do...I am 12 weeks pregnant and need to sort this NOW. We do love each other, and aside from the money thing all is fantastic.

PS...we don't have a joint account as his credit score is so low if I were to be financially linked to him it would affect mine, which I dont want.

Sorry...I forgot to say...any suggestions you have woul dbe much appreciated, no matter how blunt! If you think I am being a cow please say, I need objective opinions.

Thanks

Can you take his bank card and give him cash. I know plenty of people who do this. As long as he agrees then it is fine.

If he can't keep control of his account then will he let you take it over?

I have broached this topic before but it didn't go down too well. I think he thinks it takes away from his manly-ness (IYSWIM). I might try again though.

When he started his new job I suggested he get his wages paid into my account and transfer the DDs...he said he would think about it but started the job and got wages paid into his account.

The conversation just always seems to end in him walking off.

are your bills paid jointly?
could you have a joint account (if necessary in your name only for credit reasons) into which both of you pay a set amount at the beginning of each month to cover all bills which are on dd. your dds are all set up to go out of this account. that means all the bills automatically get paid.
after that, what's left in your own accounts is your own. if he chooses to go overdrawn on this that's up to him. don't bail him out or lend him money when he does, either. he's a grownup and needs to learn to budget for himself.
sit him down and say you are worried about money because of the baby and he needs to make you feel secure about it and that you won't run out of money if the baby needs things, a lot of men come over all providerish at the whiff of a pregnancy test and this may jolt him into being more responsible. come up with a list together of stuff you may need for baby and how you'll save for them/budget for them and talk about how you will manage financially while you're on mat leave.
if you can put some cash aside while pregnant i would do. don't tell him that you have these savings, they are a comfort blanket in case he doesn't improve and you do need things for the baby. good luck!

This will not get easier i am afraid.
He is unwilling to give over any of the control and yet he phones you to help him sort it out.
You need as much as possible to keep your money away from his - dont help him with loans ect as you will feel resentful.

I know men in their 50s who still cant balance the books and they go from one relationship to another - every time the woman 'think' they will be able to sort it out for them but they get so fed up it ends. The men leave with less debt and so find someone else to 'help' them.

Sorry but this could be a pattern and if he is really serious about it then he could seek proffessional help too.

But he needs to be the one to want to do it and see that it is possible.

well I wouldn't have a a joint account. The idea of a 'bills' account is a good one - as woodstock says it isn't really our business if he goes overdrawn as long as the bills are paid. Can you work out your average monthly bills and then say to him 'right, set up a DD for X amount into this account every month.' Then what he does with the rest is his affair. Any money left in the third account at the end of the month/quarter/year gets stuck into savings.

your business

not ours as well of course

Am afraid I agree with happywoman on this one. Do not relent and get a joint account, since if he continues to be crap with money then your own credit rating could suffer eventually. You do NOT want that.

He needs to sort his money issues out himself. It is very good, kind and patient of you to try to help him but unless he helps himself, you are going to be banging your head against a brick wall and as the relationship continues it will become a serious breaking-up point.

If he is just not earning enough he needs to perhaps get a bar job in the evenings - something to supplement his cash. If he however is just overspending, he needs to understand HIMSELF that he has to stop and that you are NOT going to bail him out.

If he continues like this it will only get worse once the baby arrives. Well done you btw, for watching your money, doing a spread sheet etc and being so responsible. In these times of belt-tightening it is of especial credit to you that you are being sensible and intelligent about your money. Partic as you have LO on the way. Your little one has a very sensible mother who will look out for him.

Do not let your DP brow-beat you on this one. You are not being a cow. It is a very very serious issue and one you need to feel proud of him with/for and trusting of him over. Money is a bastard n most relationships. You are a TEAM and you have to pull together as a team. He needs to feel that.Good luck!xx

Right,

My dh is equally shite with money and to be honest with you I married him knowing he had debts BUT he wasn't honest about how much. They were staggering....

For a while I totally took over the money, he had his wages paid into my account and I dished it out. He had 'pocket money' which he found a huge relief as he couldn't sort out the finances himself. He said the pocket money gave him freedom as for once in his life he knew he could do exactly what he wanted with that money knowing everything had been paid.

We have slowly joined forces again and the account is now joint BUT we have a weekly meeting (he's paid weekly) where we look at what is coming in/going out, large purchases are discussed (£50 upward) we take out cash for the house which is then kept in a pot (you'd be amazed how long cash lasts!) he has his money in cash for the week. We don?t use cards unless it?s an emergency.

We now work together and I feel secure that we have the bills paid but the best thing of all is that we have more savings than we have ever had in our 6 years of being together.

My dh's credit score was low and he wasn't able to have his own account but he was able to be put onto mine but for now I wouldn't have him on your account.

He needs your help....

Good luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel x

OMG I could have written the OP... When DH and I got together I didn't know about his debts etc until I'd gonme and fallen in love with him. D'oh!

He moved into my house which was already running OK. He came along and money caused no end of upset and rows.

We tried LOADS of things including a kind of "petty cash system" and then him just paying some money into my account each month (as all living expenses were coming out of my account). I tried showing him the spreadsheet method too! None of it worked for us.

The only thing that has worked is getting one joint account that both our wages go into and all living expenses come out of. I do ALL the finances - including getting him a pension and sorting out our wills when I was pregnant.

I think the whole 'manliness' thing can be really selfish. If it isn't a skill of his then he could just let it go and concentrate on something he is good at.

Neither of us is extravagant with money and we consult over big purchases but really we just rub along quite well. All the tears and arguments have stopped as I'm not stressing about money anymore.

HTH