I've got PND, I know I have, what the hell is the first step? What am I going to do? I'm letting everyone down and I'm a disgrace.

[G2B]

I'm just a disgusting person.

I'm lazy, revolting, yucky to look at, jealous, awkward, all naty things I hate. I'm even getting possessive nowadays which is something I never used to be. I don't laugh anymore.

And most of all I can't cope. This is me admitting it. I'm not coping.

Looking after the baby comes first, I love him like I never thought possible.

but i can't look after me. I can't even bring myself to do my hair. I can't cope with my college work, I can't face going back to work as I know it'll push me over the edge (teaching), I havn't got time to do anything it seems.

I'm having problems with my rented house so I'm homeless at the moment. I don't want to go into it because I've argued with the letting agents on the phone for ages about it, but the landlord won't help, and I'm expected to fork out lots of money. Everything's a mess.

I've got more college work than I can do and I've come to the end of my extension. I have an interview to get my old job back on Monday and I have to go as we cna't afford to live without it.

I'm driving my DP away and I love him ridiculous amounts so I don't know why.

I feel ill all the time and I can't sleep. I'm losing a lot of my baby weight and I'm not dieting so i guess it's stress.

I have a constant lump in my throat and I feel shakey and unable to live.

I want to run away fro ME.

Sounds like a fab doctor.

Yes, you will get better, and it sounds as though you are on the way. And the good thing is that you will have empathy and understanding for anyone else that has PND, and you will be able to recognise it quite easily too. Some good will come out of it.

I have been considering doing a doula course since suffering PND depression because I think women need loads of practical help after having a child. Also, my husband suffered terrible depression over the last couple of years and it has made me much more understanding of him than I probably would have been.

i just found your thread and i feel it could have been me writing your posts. the mood swings are hard to handle

im so glad it went well, sounds like your gp is fab. you should be very proud of yourself, you have done fantastically well and its important that you see this. x

I have been very lucky with my GP, thank God. Feel so much more positive just from speaking to him, he really made me feel that I'm not such a weirdo.

MakkaPakka- Have you been to your GP? Hope so as it's so helpful, honestly.

Lissie- thanks again. DP wants to thank you too as he has seen this thread so that he could understand more. It's so lovely that there's people to listen on MN and offer support at such hard times. It's also given me a way out of reality to ponder things.

xxx

G2B, its really no problem. lots of lovely mners helped me when things were at their bleakest. i know you can get over this with the help and support of your dp, your gp, mners and of course your lovely ds x

i have and i am on ssri's. there is no counselling available at the moment tho and my dp isn't always very supportive

makkapakka, i didnt realise how tough it was on dh. what did your gp say about counselling?

the doctor keeps telling me i am doing well but i don't feel like it at all. i feel like i am cracking up and that if i admit how bad i really am things might spiral out of my control. my youngest is 1yr in 10 days so i don't even know if it is classed as pnd anymore. i think i am just screwed up. i am working myself up as hv is coming tomorrow and house is a tip. today i have had a burst pipe and water coming through the ceiling until after 8pm when it was finally repaired. i haven't been able to do much housework today without any water and tomorrow i can stay in and try to battle through it before she gets here, or i can go to a pre-arranged visit to the local farm with a friend. i don't want them to miss out but i know i'll be worried about the mess. i just want to curl up in bed for a week and tell everyone to go away

lissielou i know i am horrible to dp. gp said lists were closed due to a backlog. i can't afford to go private

something just occured to me reading about the sleep apnoea. dd was ill when she was born. spent some time in an incubator and was a very poor feeder. she turned out to have severe reflux but until the diagnosis she was projectile vomiting and it was hard to see her in so much pain being so tiny and underweight. at 15 weeks she had bronchilitis that was missed by 2 gp's and i spent a week sucking her phlegm out of her throat as it was choking her. she kept going blue where she couldn't clear it and dp was working away. when he came home he took us straight to a&e and the doctors said she wouldn't have made it if we left it any longer. i felt my bond strengthen with her that week, but since then my mental state has deteriorated. lots

oh you poor thing! no wonder you are struggling.

re the hv, they will have seen it all before! dont wory too much about the state of your house. can you speak to your hv about couselling, see if she/he can get around it?

Sounds like you've had a bad time makka pakka. If you can't get counselling, maybe talking it out with us on here could help? You're very welcome to try and get it all out on this thread, and we can maybe offer some words of comfort, if you'd like? Not to worry if you don't feel up to it though. I just know that talking is helping me loads, so hopefully it will help you too.

GB2 - I have just read your thread and wanted to send a few words of support. I didn't have the extra financial stress that you have, but identify with so much else that you said. MN saved my sanity and everything is sooo much better now. It all seems like a long time ago. I am so glad that your GP was supportive and so helpful.

Makka Pacca - 'at 15 weeks she had bronchilitis that was missed by 2 gp's and i spent a week sucking her phlegm out of her throat as it was choking her. she kept going blue where she couldn't clear it and dp was working away.' You poor soul. No one should have to go through what you did alone in 21st Century Britain! What a heroine you are! You will look back on that time and a) be able to help others who find early days stressful and frightening, knowing how they feel and b) look at your daughter knowing that you gave her the most precious gift of life - twice!

Thanks NQGU, MN is so valuable isn't it? Glad it seems long ago for you- as I'm hoping to get to that stage and look back on this and know that I've grown stronger from it IYSWIM.

how are you today?

Me, or Makka? I'm feeling much better today, thanks, which is surprising as I've had a sleepless night with DS, and I have a presentation to prepare today. It's a nice day so I'm going to get us both ready and go for a walk with the pram, as I've not used it much since I got it, and I'm trying to lose weight. I went for a walk yesterday, too, and felt really good for it!! I'm trying to be really positive today as I keep getting secretly upset and panicky when DP goes to work, and I want to stop that.

I've just found out last night that the tablets I'm on are Prozac. Do you have any experience of Prozac? I expected to be put on citalopram or something like my mum's been on in the past, but I'm not, it's Fluoxatine or something.

both of you glad you are feeling ok today, a walk sounds lovely.

i have been on prozac before, a long time ago. but the ads i took when i had pnd were sertraline.

i wrote an email to my hv and told her how i feel. she has written back and is coming to see me today to tlk about getting me a support worker. i will post again later when i have more time and i will put the emails on (but i might have to change some of the names on them iyswim). i am a bit shaky today but i know that is because of hv coming. i am on sertraline atm but have previously been on prozac and citalopram. they didn't work for this but everyone is different. sorry g2b for hijacking your thread but your words expressed EXACTLY how i feel.thank you for all your kind posts.

It's ok Makka, I'm sort of glad I've someone to go through it with now. We will get to the other side!!

It's good you've e-mailed your HV, it's easier in writing isn't it? I hope she helps!!

Keep us updated.

thank you g2b, you made it easier for me to 'come out' and talk to my hv. i have got a lot going on over the next couple of weeks (dd's 1st birthday party, house move!!) so i may not be online much. also, as much as i love mn, sometimes i get worried about expressing myself on here for fear of getting flamed. would you consider talking on msn? i feel like i really need a friend who knows how i am feeling, like you. take care and i hope you are well xx

Hi Makka,

Sorry I disappeared for a bit. I know what you mean about getting flamed. I don't have MSN, so I'll have a look how to get it today. Do you have an e-mail address?

I'm feeling much better for the prozac in all honesty, it's working wonders. I'm still very depressed but it's taken away the shakeyness and shear panic, so I can deal with the depression better IYKWIM.

I'd definately like to chat it out too and it's fab to have someone who feels the same- even if it is bloody awful!

Hope you're well too.

xx

Glad you are feeling better G2B.

Makka - my hv told me that pnd could be classed up to 3 years after the birth (dunno if this is right). Hope you get some help soon and all the best with the house move.

Hi Makka, I've e-mailed you. Going to see about MSN when DP gets home so that he can show me how to get it (I'm a bit dizzy when it comes to computers). Thought you might prefer to e-mail until then so that the whole of MN can't see.

Glad the HV has been so helpful, it's definately a step forward isn't it?

Thanks Flyingmum

G2B- A huge well done on going to see the GP and taking the first steps towards getting better. I hope life is starting to improve for you and your family.