I've got PND, I know I have, what the hell is the first step? What am I going to do? I'm letting everyone down and I'm a disgrace.

[G2B]

I'm just a disgusting person.

I'm lazy, revolting, yucky to look at, jealous, awkward, all naty things I hate. I'm even getting possessive nowadays which is something I never used to be. I don't laugh anymore.

And most of all I can't cope. This is me admitting it. I'm not coping.

Looking after the baby comes first, I love him like I never thought possible.

but i can't look after me. I can't even bring myself to do my hair. I can't cope with my college work, I can't face going back to work as I know it'll push me over the edge (teaching), I havn't got time to do anything it seems.

I'm having problems with my rented house so I'm homeless at the moment. I don't want to go into it because I've argued with the letting agents on the phone for ages about it, but the landlord won't help, and I'm expected to fork out lots of money. Everything's a mess.

I've got more college work than I can do and I've come to the end of my extension. I have an interview to get my old job back on Monday and I have to go as we cna't afford to live without it.

I'm driving my DP away and I love him ridiculous amounts so I don't know why.

I feel ill all the time and I can't sleep. I'm losing a lot of my baby weight and I'm not dieting so i guess it's stress.

I have a constant lump in my throat and I feel shakey and unable to live.

I want to run away fro ME.

I don't have my HVs number as I'vve only ever seen the student who is under her, and I can't get hold of the student.

No chance at all. They will know exactly where you are coming from and will just want to get you right not point the finger.

The GP should absolutely NOT do that. PND is a recognised illness. If you get the impression she is, then make an appointment with another doctor - you need to find someone who understands this illness. I haven't had PND, luckily, but I think that feeling not good enough (in a more than usual way - we all have days like that, but PND is much worse) is v. typical. Your love for your DS shines through here - can't imagine any GP with an ounce of sense not seeing that.

g2b, ss will NOT get involved. you are a great mum and lots of women get pnd. please call the gp on monday. keep coming back to this thread, you need support.

I'm so glad to hear they won't think I'm an unfit mum. I never shout or cry around the baby or anything. Even when I'm very upset I just coo at him and sing to him. He's very clever, he's nearly 4 months old and when I say 'kiss' he opens his mouth for a kiss and then smiles.

I also put on a front most of the time so people don't know that I feel this way and I'm worried they'll think I'm just trying to get attention or something like that, but I'm not because I wanted to be super mum and always have energy and go out for walks and visit lots of people, but I'm just exhausted all the time.

Also, since it's all come to a head today, am I having some kind of break down? I don't want to have a break down but I do feel like crisis point tonight.

No experience, G2B, but I think sometimes people do come to a "crisis" (don't think breakdown is that useful a term, tbh - the implications are of failure, and I don't think that's true) where they realise that they need professional help - like with a physical injury where it starts to get in the way of day-to-day life.

G2B sorry to read your troubles,must feel v overwhelming for you.but 1st step recognition and action

Okay

deep breath

you are not the first mum to struggle you wont be the last

positively you have the love of your son.congratulations

go see gp.gp will ask questions and take personal history eg have you been depressed before, 1st episode anyone in family had PND or depression.keep an open mind as to what treatment is appropriate for you

do talk, if you struggle write it down, or take support along

College- can you get extension extra time for course work.could personal tutor arrange this

Housing - get advice. landlord cannot just make you leave. needs court order (takes him time/effort).can you negotiate payment plan/ could you apply for local authority and/or council housing

could a home hairdresser come to you.less stressful than going out

a long soak in bath, wee glass of wine

do take care

do post people can empathise

Thanks, I do think a glass of wine would be lovely.

Had all the extra time I can for college but going to sit down on Monday and do as much as I can, then it's done. It's just difficult when I get very little sleep. I wake up a lot panicking because of the baby having apnoea.

We're staying at mums at the moment and she's agreed to have DC tonight so we can get a sleep, and I won't have to worry because he's still in the same house.

When I get depressed, for some reason I like to write lists to try to get my head in order IYSWIM.

Letting agent shouted at me a lot on the phone today and I lost my rag and that's how all this came about and I realised how bad I'd got. I can't seem to cool down.

G2B, can your council help?

I've no idea. I could look into it but apparently there is a 3 year waiting list.

The thing is they've said they'll let us leave early rather than rectify the problem, but we'll lose ur bond, so we wouldn't be able to put a bond down on anywhere else. And I don't want to move the baby again. My dad's going to ring their manager on Monday and try to sort it out for me. But if he can't, I don't know what we'll do. Don't know why everyone has to be awkward and horrible about every last thing. If they just did their job everything would be fine.

It's not just that though, that's just the straw that broke the donkey's back.

One of my main worries is money, I can't sleep for it and I'm tossing and turning and feeling sick over it all the time. That's why I can't see a way forward at the moment as we can't even keep our heads above water when it comes to finances so I feel useless. We've budgeted all we can.

Everything's just a mess

You are brave and stronger than you think-you are facing the depression and being a lovely loving mummy-with help things will get better ,really really they will.Get your blood tested as it sounds as though your thyroid could be playing up too-(weight loss and emotional symptoms)this is quite common after pregnancy and worth getting ruled out.I wish you all the best with your lovely baby.No feelings,however horrible,last forever and you WILL get better.

G2B, where abouts are yu? does your council not have an emergency housing scheme?

In Cumbria. I've no idea about the council. I don't even know what I'm entitled to money wise. Think I better visit CAB on Monday and see what i can sort out.

Do they back date child tax credit? I really hope so.

they do. how old is lo?
right, list of things to do next week

1st: gp, dont leave until he/she listens to you and offers some help. can someone come with you?
2nd: CAB, find out where you stand with the letting agent and what you are entitled to. this site is good.
3rd: make an appt with an emergency housing officer

re: your tenancy do not leave early even if agent offers.you have rights.stay cool don't react to provocation. maybe someone else mediate. Agent need a court order to get you out. don't voluntarily go

you need advice regards current tenancy and points allocation.also consider housing association's

lo is 4 months. This is all really useful, I'm just writing it down so I can run through it all with DP and we can go about it together. We're a bit lost as we don't know where we stand.

when did you put your tax credits form in?

I've just got it through the post to get on with and have to ring head office for my details. So it'll be Monday when I send it.

G2B, I'm a GP a would like to reiterate what others on here have said about going to see your own doctor.

If you have PND, it is not a reflection of how good you as a person or a mother. It does not mean that you have failed. Accepting treatment is not an admission of failure or that you have let anyone down.

PND is the chemicals in your brain not behaving and making you feel low. It is as much of an illness as diabetes or asthma, except noone can 'see' it in the same way you feel it. You wouldn't call a diabetic a failure for taking insulin, would you? Its just part of what they need to get better and keep their illness under control. PND is no different really.

I hope you get the help you need to get better.

PS. I've also got a baby who has prolonged apnoeas- bloody awful isn't it. That also can't be helping how you feel. Sleep deprivation and anxiety are crap aren't they?

They are. It's good to hear from a GP. So I'm not just over reacting then? It seems to come in waves of awfulness, but it's always there nagging at my brain IYSWIM.

The apnoeas have been bad and he was such a bad refluxer from birth that he'd choke really seriously and ended up on children's ward a couple of times until they prescribed him with domperidone, ranitidine, gaviscon, wysoy and he got better, but he seems to be struggling again at the moment being sick constantly. He doesn't choke anymore though which is good.

Sounds like my son, G2B. I had to resuscitate him when he was 8 weeks old due to one of his apnoeas- it was horrific. I really thought I was having a nervous breakdown after he was admitted to hospital, I found it that difficult.

He's now 8 months old, no longer on any of his medication, gaining weight (finally!) and eats for England. We still use an apnoea alarm, which goes off most nights (because he wriggles off the mat), but at least I know now that they aren't real apnoeas.

It does and will get better- I promise.

You're not overreacting at all. I hope you get on OK at the doctors.

how are you today G2B?

Lissie- I feel a little better today thanks, DP is being very nice to me as he's started to realise I'm no right. I still feel all shakey and upset but it's helped that mum minded the baby through the night. I thought I hadn't heard him cry, and turns out he slept right through! 11 hours. DPs auntie rang this morning to check we'll be at the party tonight as she's worried there'll be no one there. I don't want to let her down so I'm going but I'm feeling really panicky about seeing loads of people and them drinking and wanting to hold DS. Or anyone wanting me to get up and dance because I'm usually all happy and stuff but I don't want anyone looking at me at all.

Emma I thought we were the only ones in the world as everyone seems to go 'oh yes apnoea most babies have that' but DP had to resuscitate DS at 2 days old, too, and it really shook my confidence and I wouldn't hold him for a while because I thought if anything happened when DP wasn't in reach, I wouldn't be bale to save the baby. I cried all night on children's ward with the nurses button in my hand and sat watching him because I was terrified he'd stop breathing again
So glad you're baby's getting better now. It's like a sort of instinct that you know when they're getting into a safer zone isn't it? I'm sure DS is getting there now, he's very strong and he's learnt to turn his head to the side when he chokes, or just cough. So I'm much more confident with him now.

G2B, sorry, cant comment on the aponema thing. lucky enough to have never experienced it. howeveri remember all too well that panicky feeling. i was convinced that everyone was watching me and talking abou me. if someone else held ds i was scared that they would see right through me and know that i couldnt look after him. but they werent. go out tonight. get a hair dye or some make up and spend an hour or two getting ready. ask your mum or dp to look after lo while you get ready and have a glass of wine. you will feel better for making the effort, i promise.

can you show dp this thread? it may help if he knew exactly how you felt. i wsh id found mn when my pnd was serious, i felt so alone and isolated. x