I've got PND, I know I have, what the hell is the first step? What am I going to do? I'm letting everyone down and I'm a disgrace.

[G2B]

I'm just a disgusting person.

I'm lazy, revolting, yucky to look at, jealous, awkward, all naty things I hate. I'm even getting possessive nowadays which is something I never used to be. I don't laugh anymore.

And most of all I can't cope. This is me admitting it. I'm not coping.

Looking after the baby comes first, I love him like I never thought possible.

but i can't look after me. I can't even bring myself to do my hair. I can't cope with my college work, I can't face going back to work as I know it'll push me over the edge (teaching), I havn't got time to do anything it seems.

I'm having problems with my rented house so I'm homeless at the moment. I don't want to go into it because I've argued with the letting agents on the phone for ages about it, but the landlord won't help, and I'm expected to fork out lots of money. Everything's a mess.

I've got more college work than I can do and I've come to the end of my extension. I have an interview to get my old job back on Monday and I have to go as we cna't afford to live without it.

I'm driving my DP away and I love him ridiculous amounts so I don't know why.

I feel ill all the time and I can't sleep. I'm losing a lot of my baby weight and I'm not dieting so i guess it's stress.

I have a constant lump in my throat and I feel shakey and unable to live.

I want to run away fro ME.

Is there anything at all we can help you with? Help you to structure an essay, for example?

You are a mum. And mum's rule the world!

I understand all the negative things you think about yourself. I honestly have been there. But it doesn't have to be that way. Please get help. So glad Emma was able to help put your mind at rest.

Don't let this lie, G2.

Please still go and see your GP or HV about how you feel.

I always liken having PND to the Dementors in the Harry Potter books, it's like all the happiness in the world has been sucked out and you'll never feel joy again.

It's not a nice place to be.

Don't let pride or fear rob you of your happiness.

thats it expat. i remember sobbing to dh that the world was grey. there were no colours, laughter sounded false and everything took on a gothic, menacing look. i was terrified the whole time. even now i think back and i shiver.

did you go last night G2B? how are you?

Hi Lissie, thanks for asking, the party actually went really well. I had a bit of a panic attack in the middle of it, but I went to the toilets and calmed down.

I even managed to sit with a lass who's been like obsessed with my DP in the past, as she wanted to see my baby so I let her and she asked a million questions about him which I just answered and then moved on.

DP took me shopping and bought me a new outfit, he even waited outside the changing room for ages while I tried on, and I ended up getting what he picked out. He knew I was upset that I'd look crappy so he made sure I went feeling ok about myself, bless him. And he called me yummy mummy all night which cheered me up a lot. My mum put a french plait in the front of one side of my hair, too, and insisted I have a drink and she'd pick us up after the party and mind the baby through the night (baring in mind we're staying at hers at the moment). Everyone's looking after me now that I've admitted I'm struggling.

Out of all the letting agents we've been dealing with there was only one nice one, and she was lovely, but last night her boyfriend was killed, and I feel so terrible for her. Also means that we can't move home for a while as there's no one to deal with the house for us, and it's uninhabitable at the moment.

My job interview went well this morning, I got the job and I got praised on last year's work, and told that they're hoping to take me on permanent full time next year if I'm interested. Things are looking up! Though I'm TERRIFIED of going back, as it's teaching 6th form and I'm nervous.

I do feel much better today as it seems things are moving forward... do I still need to go to the doctors or will I get better and better now? I do still feel like I'm in a weird fog and I've never been so exhausted but I'm not as utterly depressed as the other days.

G2B, so glad you had a good time and that things are looking a bit better. you should still go to your docs though. its not uncommon to get peaks and troughs. at times i felt so "good" that i was almost manic. but it wasnt real. im not saying that this will always happen, but your description of feeling like you are in a fog stikes such a chord with me. you do sound like you have PND, which is a chemical/hormonal imbalance and it wont go away overnight.
your dp sounds lovely btw, what did you wear?

A red top with a tie at the back, a black three quarter sleeve thing and black pin stripe trousers and red shoes with like a ribbon across. Everyone said I looked nice and it hid some baby weight

I didn't realised PND was a chemical thing, I didn't really know what it was to be honest, I'm surprised it's not talked about more when you have a baby.

that sounds really nice!

I remember my mw mentioning PND, but i assumed it was an emotional thing, and refused to believe that i would get it. in fact whendh first broached the subject with me i went nuts and had to be calmed down. ias really offended and saw it as a slur on my parenting. but think about it, youhave such a drop in the hormone levels when you give birth, that has to have an effect on you!

Feel worse than ever today

V.difficult to get an appt at my doctors. Got told to ring back at 4 o clock.

oh sweetheart, what did they say?

Hi G2B

You definately need to go see the doctor. Is it possible that your DP could go with you. My DH went with me and it sent a clear message that things were not right (I had stayed awake all night clinging to him and shaking and couldn't put the light off - it was truely horrible).

You have had a major major shock. I think anyone whose baby had had to be ressusitated at any age let alone when so tiny is bound to have some emotional rebound from it. I would say that this must have triggered the chemical change.

The DR might also be able to arrange some counselling and it is good to talk to someone who isn't connected with the family or yourself and gives you an objective pair of ears if you like.

It's 9 years since I had my depression and I still remember that awful pit like feeling. The pysical symptoms took me by surprise - I couldn't bear anything in my mouth and kept gagging on my toothbrush (the trip to the dentist was fun!) as well as feeling so overwhelmingly tired.

Hope you get an appointment soon. If you think you are going to present better than you are then print out some of your posts on here for the quack to read.

Best wishes

I've managed to get an appointment for 11 tomorrow, but DP will be at work. He's at work until 10 tonight and I'm the worst I've been so far.

Can't sort things out with the letting agents and so we've got to seek legal advice and probably move, though we can't find a house to move to, and they might keep our bond so then we won't be able to afford a deposit on another house.

We're staying at my mums at the mo but we can't for much longer so I don't know what we're going to do.

When DP an I met, he had A LOT of debt, and we've tried to slowly pay it off, but now we've realised there's one we havn't been paying. It's from a few addresses ago so we didn't realise, and it's 180% interest on it so it'll be going up to thousands and thousands now. I don't know what to do. I can't see a way out.

Overall, that's it. I can't see a way out.

Ok, get your thyroid checked out as well as being assessed for PND. The lump in the throat, weight loss and anxiety are classic symptoms of an overactive thyroid. Secondly, go with your dh to the Citizens Advice Bureau about this debt. I would think there is a chance that this level of interest is unreasonable, illegal and unenforceable. Certainly you need proper advice.

you CAN get through this. go to your gp tomorrow, and be totally honest. x

My sister uses MN too, and she came to my mums before and used it, not realising that I'd signed back in, so she realised what my name on here is, and she saw this thread. So she's going to come to the GP with me tomorrow as my DP can't make it. I feel a little better about going with someone, plus if she's read this thread she will be able to help me out if I can't explain things very well to the doctor.

BTW lissie, just wanted to say thank you for bearing with me and being so supportive through this. Can't really explain myself in person, and find it much easier to talk on here. x

g2b, this is so brave and clever of you to post here. brilliant first steps. let's get you some help with the PND and then get that ghastly debt under control...

thats excellant, you need someone supportive there with you. pnd is nothing to be ashamed of, and neithers admitting you nd help. i would have been lost without my dh and his family.

oh, and you are more than welcome x

oh and have a word with CAB re: the debt. 180% is NOT by any standards a reasonable rate of interest, so you may be able to get that reduced. But go to your GP first

I've just come to this, but wanted to say well done for doing something about this - I really admire you for being able to stand up and say you're feeling rubbish and need some help. I really hope it all goes well at the GP tomorrow and I'm so glad your sister is going to be with you. I remember that dreadful feeling of absolute misery and being a complete failure - it's the most awful thing.

Hi G2B, so many of us here have had PND. It is absolutely horible, I know. But it can, and probably will, be sorted. You will get through it, if you can get some help.

I had PND with my DS2, I hated myself. Every day a cloud just settled over my head and I just couldn't cope. Every day I imagined driving myself into walls and regualalry screached at my kids (which I would never do now). Speaking with my HV really really helped, and she came up with loads of practical suggestions of how to get through the hard times of having a new babay in the house and having to totally readapt your life. This then helped me talk with my husband to get extra support for us (ie him not staying at work all night and every weekend), and this got us back on track. You might not need antidepressants, but its not the end of the world if you do. You just need to get through these hard times and reach the other side.

I'm thinking of you

how did you get on today G2B?

Well I went to the doctors and he asked how I felt, and he said that the most important thing is that I've said I love the baby and I'm very bonded with him, and don't have any problems with being a mum. So I was really pleased about that as obviously there's that stigma with PND.

Then he asked about my relationship with DP, and said that because it's so good, I need to tell DP that it's not a problem with him, I love him, and thank him for being so supportive (there's no problems with any aspect of our relationship). So I phoned DP and told him.

He asked what I live for when I feel suicidal and I said baby and DP. So he said to keep focusing on them and to let DP know that I'm not intentionally pushing him away.

Then he said that 1/4 of people are depressed and to not feel a failure or weak for going on anti depressants. He's put me to the top of the list for counselling.

The anti depressants will work within two weeks.

Most of all he said I WILL get better.

The most embarressing thing is that this morning everything came to a head and I punched a wall and kicked something really hard- I think I've broken my foot but I didn't tell him that as I was so embarressed of getting into such a state.

Definately glad I went to the doctor as now I think I will move forward. He said it's like being stuck in a forest and not seeing a way out, and that's exactly how I feel-lost.

Also went to see my tutor today and she's helped me with my work and it seems I#m a lot further on than I thought. Phew.

oh gosh that does sound like you had a great appointment, so good to know htat your GP is a good, modern GP who wouldn't question depression as a genuine chemical illness. i do hope the pills start working, but it sounds like you are making really positive, practical, truthful steps for yourself as well, you should be really proud of your ability to deal with this shitty bit of PND luck. i'm sure that strength will be a great help on the days when things catch up with you a bit.