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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Making yourself have sex every week to please your dh

53 replies

prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:12

Posted on here the other day about how I didn't feel my dh is very supportive. The other bone of contention in our relationship is sex. He hasn't treated me that well in the past in the bedroom, and has often wanted to know when it's going to be if I say 'not tonight dear'. In the past 9 months or so we agreed on a compromise of every week to 10 days or so and I therefore I have offered on a regular basis because I feel I should. But I don't want to be doing it; I don't fancy him but I grit my teeth and do it for him. I don't know what to do anymore as it's really getting me down. It's hard to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
solo · 14/08/2008 13:16

It's tough when you don't fancy someone, but feel obliged to have sex with them. I wouldn't want to be in that situation again and I hope you work it out.
I got divorced, but there were other issues involved like DV, so it was never going to work and I hated sex with him, but like you, I gritted my teeth to do it. Sad really isn't it.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:19

It's really horrible. I feel it shouldn't be like this and at the age of only 34 I don't know whether I can do this for the next however long . I think I probably have a low sex drive but I wish he was more understanding.

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Dropdeadfred · 14/08/2008 13:19

Why are you married to someone you don't find attractive?

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:23

I don't know. I was young when we got together and he 'rescued' me from a difficult work situation. I thought I did love him at the time but my self-esteem was at an all time low and I was suffering depression. I'd never even had a boyfriend before .

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solo · 14/08/2008 13:24

You say he hasn't treated you that well in the bedroom in the past. If he's been abusive sexually, then you aren't going to want sex with him. That's a natural reaction. My exh was dreadful to me in the bedroom.
Do you want to elaborate? was it him being pushy or was it physical/sexual abuse?

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:28

Well, he did carry on (albeit for a short time) when I was crying for him to stop once (ok, a few years ago now). And I have been upset sometimes in the past. Also, there have been occasions when I've agreed and then decided I can't go through with it after all and have said so, and he's got really cross with me. I haven't done it maliciously at all.

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farrowandball · 14/08/2008 13:28

hey prudencep.

i was in this situation once, and i think i made it worse by making myself do it. i got more and more repulsed. with hindsight, i wish i had explained that i was finding it hard to get in the mood (omit the repulsion by partner element) and suggested something like a 3 month moratorium in which, though, you have a weekly night out together (no kids. and night in, but special, if money is an issue) in which you get washed and dressed for each other, and talk about fun stuff but no kissing or sexual initiation required. but have space to develop closeness to each other. and then start with much smaller intimacies etcetc.

but - i know i could not stay in a relationship where the sex was unfulfilling, let alone abhorrent. and its not something i could do if, after trying, nothing got better. which is not to say that you couldnt/shouldnt. everyone places imprtance on it in different ways.

i hope you are ok.

luvlymummy · 14/08/2008 13:29

I've a feeling it's the other way round in our relationship. DP never wants it and I always do. It's very hurtful and I don't know what to suggest.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:30

Maybe that is a way forward farrow. I just don't know whether I, maybe like you, have passed the point of no-return.

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solo · 14/08/2008 13:35

luvlymummy, I'm the same with my Dp too.

Pp, men usually place huge physical importance on sex, but for women it's mostly emotional. It's a shame when you can't meet in the middle. I don't know what you can do really, but you can't live your life like this forever, it'll wear you away. Have you thought about counselling?
Have to sign off now, but I'll check in when I can. Hope you are ok.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:35

luvlymummy, can you talk about it? I feel we reach stalemate every time and end up feeling really guilty.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/08/2008 13:39

I think there is something profoundly wrong if you don't want to be intimate with him at all. TBH it sounds like a horrible situation and one likely to lead to feelings of depression, lack of self worth and resentment towards your H.
I don't know what to suggest - I remember your last post and my instinct was that you should get out - at least I think I would in your situation.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:41

Definitely resentment. I often find it hard to look him in the eye these days and find so many silly things about him irritate me.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/08/2008 13:47

I don't think you love him. Easy for me to say after reading two postings from you but I really don't.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:50

kat, was the other one the one about the appts? No, I don't love him . I wish I could do for the sake of the family. From what you have read, do you think he is a good husband? Sorry, I don't mean to put you on the spot but I need some advice as very confused right now.

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lilacbloom · 14/08/2008 14:12

Physcosexual councelling ask your doctor to refer you, it could take up to 6 months for an appt, but I think you need this for YOU.

beanieb · 14/08/2008 14:18

Do you have any other 'issues' surrounding sex?

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 14:30

No, beanbieb I don't think so. I was totally 'green' when I got married and things were not exactly taken slowly so I suppose you could say that it was all a shock to the system and then as I said above, what happened a couple of years ago.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/08/2008 14:35

I think it was the one saying that you sometimes were in tears when having sex and he didn't stop (IIRC)
That was you wasn't it? I can't really advise whether you ahould end your marriage, but in your position I think I would. Easier said than done though of course. xxx

beanieb · 14/08/2008 14:42

The reason I ask is because sometimes if a person has ambivalent feelings about sex and sexuality or issues etc then it can effect the way they are with their partner. It sounds like he's not prepared to listen to you, you have my sympathies. I am not sure what to suggest

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 14:51

It's a very sad situation. I want to be able to make things right but we have a long way to go. He has mentioned counselling so I wonder if that is the next road to go down. I have tried SO hard to please him but it is not something I can do indefinitely and we are growing apart because of it.

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Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 14:52

Actually, do I want to make things right? I should do but in my heart I can't say I truly do.

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ToughDaddy · 14/08/2008 15:04

your DH would (or should) be gutted if he knew the hurt he was causing. Write him a letter? Counselling?

solo · 14/08/2008 15:12

ToughDaddy, my exh knew exactly what he was doing to me. Not all men realise and some that do realise don't give a crap. It's often a power thing IME.

Original poster
prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 15:31

He's not really gutted at all. He knows that I have been trying for him and I have said to him (bit mean really) "you're very lucky" (ie doing it for him every week) and he'll say "i do appreciate it". Not "i love you and will wait if you are finding things hard". I don't feel cherished .

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