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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Making yourself have sex every week to please your dh

53 replies

prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 13:12

Posted on here the other day about how I didn't feel my dh is very supportive. The other bone of contention in our relationship is sex. He hasn't treated me that well in the past in the bedroom, and has often wanted to know when it's going to be if I say 'not tonight dear'. In the past 9 months or so we agreed on a compromise of every week to 10 days or so and I therefore I have offered on a regular basis because I feel I should. But I don't want to be doing it; I don't fancy him but I grit my teeth and do it for him. I don't know what to do anymore as it's really getting me down. It's hard to talk to him about it.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 14/08/2008 15:32

I bet he doesn't dfeel cherished either..you don't love him and looking at him annoys you and sex is a chore....why not just leave?

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 15:36

Fair enough ddf, but I have tried to cherish him by having sex and if I don't think I've 'performed' feel I must do it again sooner; and I have looked after him in other ways, fitting in meals with his meetings and so on. I can't help the way I feel.

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Dropdeadfred · 14/08/2008 15:37

I'm not suggesting you can, but both he and you could havea life with someone you do love and want to have sex with etc...you are both still young enough to have a new life.

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 15:42

I know and that's what I'm thinking. He does still love me, though - at least that's what he says. I think a separation is the right way to go now and then it will give me the chance to assess things. Our marriage has certainly not been a picnic.

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ToughDaddy · 14/08/2008 16:52

Understood. But you might say that things broke partly because of lack of proper communication? Which is always a shame?

jaanpa · 14/08/2008 19:02

Surely cherishing someone is not about having sex? I would think it is more about making love. Sex can be had as a business transaction but love is something much more special. I feel for you, though I can't imagine how you feel because I have never felt that making love with my husband is a chore, but I also feel sad for your dh. You say he loves you and I would think he feels that you don't love him in the same way. I also can understand that if you 'agree' to sex then change your mind halway through, he would be angry out of frustration and disappointment. I don't know what to suggest, but I don't think you can carry on like this, it is not fair to either of you.

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 14/08/2008 20:53

No, jaanpa, I do agree that cherishing someone isn't just about having sex but I would hope that understanding someone's needs is part of being cherished (IYSWYM). And I think that is it - I don't feel that he understands me and is kind to me about sex. Which, as you say, should be about making love. I feel bad that I don't love him as he does me but I have tried to keep our vows and be a dutiful wife to him.

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ToughDaddy · 14/08/2008 22:25

Perhaps your (admirable) sense of duty is back firing a little?

sfxmum · 14/08/2008 22:32

I don't really understand this
I think people sometimes don't much feel like it but because they care for their other half they may feel like doing it anyway, which is fine and I expect will fell nice anyway
and we all have ups and downs in that department, no pun intended

but discussing an obligation feels odd
what do you mean he had treated you badly in the bedroom before? how so?

I think it is important to maintain closeness with or without weekly (?) full intercourse but if there is no warmth I don't really see the point of it

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 15/08/2008 20:13

You sound quite harsh sfxmum. I sleep with him because I feel I should as his wife. He loves sex. I have low self-esteem and worry about what will happen if I say no. I don't really love him, I like him, but due to other things in our marriage which I haven't mentioned here I suppose I don't fancy him anymore. The question is, is liking somebody enough to sustain a marriage if children are involved and if the sex is getting me down that much.

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mumblecrumble · 15/08/2008 20:38

I have found these posts sad to read. I can;t see that its right that DH feels his sex life is more important than how his wife feels but I can of course understand the power of the penis when it come to decision making.

It concerns me that you worry what will happen if you refuse sex. Are you worried he'll leave? Or worse?

What makes you liek him?
How old are your kids (if you dont mind me asking?)

sfxmum · 16/08/2008 09:01

I am sorry if I sounded harsh and I did not wish to hurt you but as you said you are hurting your self esteem is low.
please do something positive for yourself now this is not doing you any good you should not be treated like this.

I am sorry if I hurt you but I feel sad that you feel you have no option

Podrick · 16/08/2008 09:27

It sounds quite soul destroying to me to have sex when you don't want to purely as a marital duty.

I think you should STOP having sex with him and work on the rest of your relationship. If you can improve this then good sex may well follow on.

Sorry you are having a hard time.

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 16/08/2008 12:44

That's ok sfxmum - I'm oversensitive at the moment I think. It is extremely soul destroying and has really brought me down but I find it hard to talk to him. If I refuse he's ok for a couple of weeks but I then worry he'll be difficult with me and has been known to get quite cross at times - so not very understanding. I have been through some ill health (mental) and I'm on antidepressants. Also dc2 has had tough time with school and wakes early every day so sex drive is at all time low anyway. I just want him to understand. Actually, if he left, I don't think I would worry which sounds awful but the pressure would be off completely. I don't think I love him . My eldest dc is coming up for 8 and the youngest is 5 and I'm considering a life on our own now which is totally against everything I have ever wanted or believe in but I can't live the rest of my life unhappily.

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Podrick · 16/08/2008 13:58

I think you have to have some personal boundaries for your own sanity and your body is your own, for you to decide who you have sex with and when.

I really would advise you to stop having sex like this as I think that will put you in a better place to deal with the rest of your life.

I would also advise that you get some support for yourself via counselling and get yourself a job if you don't already have one. I think this would make you feel more independent and also jobs are often very beneficial for good mental health.

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 16/08/2008 16:19

I do agree Podrick that I have to stop having sex like this. Funnily enough I have just started having some counselling to try to improve my self-esteem and I have wondered too about getting a job. I need to take control back I think, IYSWIM, rather than feeling like I have to please my husband all the time and worrying about what he will think/do if I don't.

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Podrick · 17/08/2008 08:31

It sounds to me as if you are already heading down a new pathway, PPL, good luck with it as it sounds very positive.

Time for change.

Emily3030 · 18/08/2008 22:03

Hi Prudencepinkleg,

I've just read this thread and felt compelled to reply. I'm a lone parent (By choice...and A very happy, independent one I'd like to add) and completely understand how you feel. I have a BF who I don't live with, but see on a weekly basis. If I had to have sex with him every time I saw him it would for sure destroy our relationship. I really do think that everyone is different when it comes to sex. Some people have a high sex drive , others low. You must do what is comfortable for you and you only. Compromise isn't really the answer when it comes to sex. That may sound selfish but it's true. You should never have sex when you don't want to, it's not worth the trauma. I've found myself in the same situation as you before, tears streaming down my cheeks because I was having sex when I didn't want to. It's a shit feeling and I'll never ever do it again. I have sex with my BF roughly once a month, he doesn't like it and sometimes he'll huff and puff sigh and sulk, but you know what...that's tough shit. He'll live and his penis wont fall off. If having sex is at all one sided, then you really shouldn't be having it at all. YOU are supposed to get pleasure out of it too, not just your dh, and if he's willing to have it any other way (out of a sense of duty etc) then frankly he's an insensitive arse who might as well visit a prostitute. After all that's the same loveless non intimate type of sex he's getting at the moment.

BecauseImWorthIt · 18/08/2008 22:21

Having different sex drives is one of the most common reasons for arguments between couples. Therefore there will always have to be some kind of compromise if partners have different sex drives.

But - as you are the one who is doing all the compromising it would seem - when you do have sex with your DH do you enjoy it? To me, this is the critical thing.

Even if you don't feel like it, once you 'get going' so to speak, if you're not enjoying the sex and the intimacy then this is truly indicative of a problem.

girlnextdoor · 19/08/2008 08:33

I've just read this- I think it is APPALLING that you have sex because you feel it is your duty- surely that attitude went out in the 1940s?

It is NOT your duty, and what your H is doing is tapping into your vulnerability and bullying you.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by BOTH parties. I honestly cannot see what he gets out of it if he knows you are reluctant- he may as well be doing it with a blow-up doll, imo.

It shows he is completely uncaring, has no respect for you, and is totally selfish.

If you really fee it is over, then you should end this marriage.

I'd suggest before you make any decision you go for counselling.

Original poster

prudencepinkleg · 20/08/2008 08:14

It's heartening to hear all these responses as I know this is destroying (or may have already destroyed) our relationship. I have to be less submissive to husband over this, I know, and not be afraid of the response - although I know this is hard. BecauseI'mWorthIt - no, I don't enjoy it once i 'get going'. I am able to disengage mind from body and let my body do one thing while my mind thinks about other things. It's pretty awful. I haven't told husband everything about this but I'm not sure how shocked he would be anyway as he's not the most sensitive character. Maybe I'm underestimating him but I can't imagine he'd feel that bad.

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girlnextdoor · 20/08/2008 08:38

TBH I just don't know how you "pretend" from a physical point of view...how do you manage to get aroused if you feel like this?

My advice would be to decide in your won mind first what you want- either to stay with him or not, given that by staying you both have different expectations of the sexual side- then tell him of your decision.

ConstanceWearing · 20/08/2008 09:06

I remember speaking to you before, PPL, and like Emily, I have been in a very similar place.

Can I ask you something?

If it was Johnny Depp do you think you could go at it, all guns blazing? [ahem.'Scuse the vulgarity].

lowrib · 20/08/2008 09:56

I was in a similar situation with my first DH. He was my first long term boyfriend, and he was a lovely man on many counts, but a very selfish lover, and totally insensitive to my needs - which were mainly to be treated as a human with feelings! I did used to communicate my needs to him, but you can't make someone be affectionate towards you, it really has to come naturally IMO. Sex was very mechanical and all about his pleasure - no emotional closeness at all.

I went from really enjoying sex at the beginning of our relationship to a position at the end where we very rarely had sex, but he constantly badgered me for it. I did go through a phase (a year or so) when I continued to have regular sex because I felt I should. Looking back it was totally soul destroying and made me hate him. By the end I couldn't stand him touching me.

In hindsight the relationship went on much longer than it should have done, and I put up with way more ill-treatment than I would now, because it was, for both of us, our first major relationship, and we really thought we were meant to be togather.

We split up and I went through a period of dating (had sex with a few new men!) and do you know what I discovered, there are other men out there who are just as insensitive, but also some who are genuinely affectionate, loving and sensitive to your needs, and who wouldn't dream of having sex with you if you weren't totally comfortable with it. Sex became enjoyable again. More than that though, I was much happier in general, being free from a bad relationship. I didn't realise quite how much it was affecting me until I waqs free of it.

I am now in a relationship with a man who I love, who's sensitive to my needs, and has become by best friend, and it's the best thing ever. The sex is great as it's based on a love and affection. And if I ever simply don't feel like it (or he doesn't) it's just not an issue.

And my ex? Well we're actually good friends now (although I do feel sorry for his new wife, I'm just so, so glad that's not me any more!)

Please, please seriously consider leaving him, soon - although it seems like you are already. It may be hard at first, but you really do deserve so much better than this. And your children deserve to have a mum who is happy.

Good luck

TotalChaos · 20/08/2008 10:06

obviously a lot of other issues here, but sometimes ADs can kill your sex drive, do you think that might be a factor at all?

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