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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave my controlling husband?

23 replies

ovenbunny1 · 13/08/2008 20:40

Hi all. Am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years, soon after we met I became pregnant with my DD and then with my DS. We then married as we were very much in love. However, sine marrying my husband has gradually become very controlling. I smoke and he has gone on and on at me to quit. I am willing to have Hypno and give it a go as is my Mum (who is 64 and he goes on at her too!), if he didnt go on so much, I may do it for my children, but woulndt be doing so at the moment, its purely to make him happy. He has now asked me not to drink wine in the week which I have agreed to. he now wants to know why I go food shopping twice a week and why if I spend £100 does the food not last all week? Money isnt just on Food its on Nappies toiletries etc., but you all know all this. It seems to be one thing after another he wants control of and I cant take it anymore. I just cant please him. He usually works 7 days a week 7 till 7 (we are comfortable so not because we are poor), he has a hot meal waiting for him whenever he comes through the door and on the 3 occassions he hasnt (becuase I have been out to dinner with friend which he knew and I asked him to get himself something out) he has gone mad. I dont know what more I can do. I used to be a mad party animal as well as having a great career and didnt meet him till I was 34 so have really settled down and tried my best. I dont know what to do. I dont like him really because of the way he treats me, but think I may love him still, but need to be able to breath, you know what I mean? He has no friends but I do and I feel guilty whenever I go out with them (once every 3 months), because he never goes out (I have encouraged him to try to do so), when I do go out I usually get quite drunk because its such a release to be away. Help me please....

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 13/08/2008 20:43

This board is moving fast and didn't want you to get lost... I'd say that you need to make yourself heard to your DH before you go for the ultimate solution of leaving. Have you told him how you feel? How do your arguments with DH go (if you have them)?

Sparkletastic · 13/08/2008 20:49

Has he always been the dominant one in your relationship?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/08/2008 21:32

How do you love him if you don't like him?
You are losing yourself. Get out.

missingtheaction · 13/08/2008 21:47

How much more of this can you take? The more you take the less likely he is to change. You have three choices

carry on like this (and it will probably get worse)
reestablish your position in the partnership or
get out

Reestablishing your position may be difficult and unplesant but if you don't want to leave you will have to screw up your courage and do it.

girlnextdoor · 13/08/2008 21:53

Have you thought of counselling?

IMO i think when a partner becomes controlling it is because deep down they are unhappy and want to criticise.

It sounds like a power struggle- you sound as if you have a bit of growing up to do too- you agree smoking is bad, but you won't do it "for him" just when you are ready- sounds a bit teenage-ish, tbh- they won't do it cos mum and dad say so-only when they back off iyswim?

I am not saying he is right- though I do agree over the smoking- as it puts your kids health at risk if you do it in the house,but the meals thing sounds OTT. However, these may be the straws that broke his camel's back. he may just be unhappy.

I think walking away is too easy when you have kids- you owe it to them to try EVERYTHING- counselling , the lot.

I think both of you need to grow up a bit- sorry.

mamhaf · 13/08/2008 21:56

He sounds like he's overworked and stressed. Unfortunately for you he's 'dealing' with that by trying to get control of things on the domestic front...I understand this because I have a tendency to do the same if I'm stressed, although at least I'm aware of it and attempt to rein myself in.

You need to talk to him in depth...tell him you're thinking of leaving because of the effect on you, and find ways of him getting a better work-life balance and less stress.

Could you perhaps work part-time so he doesn't need to work so hard? 7 days a week, 12 hours a day is excessive..and he needs to have time for friends as well as time with you.

mamhaf · 13/08/2008 21:57

Oh - and please do try to give up smoking - for your own sake, not anyone else's. I've been with someone dying of cancer and it ain't pretty.

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 08:22

Hi all, thanks for the advice, No.1 I do not smoke in the house, I smoke outside away from the children, and not even where they can see me as DH does not want them to see me with a cigarette in my hand. I am booked for Hpyno on 31/8 so that should solve that, but its not just about that, thats 1 issue, then there are a whole set of other rules, as soon as I do something he has demanded I get a new demand. I have asked about me going out to work and he will not let me. He says my place is here in the home and no way can I go to work as it will just be somewhere for me to socalise while he is at home!!! I have encouraged him to go out more as I have said he needs a social life but he has argued with and cut off most of his friends and now only really has the people he works with. I do not have agruments with DH, he often shouts at me but I do not argue back, as I do not want the kids to hear and get upset, so i just remain quiet most of the time, I do retaliate nown again but probably two or three times a year at most as do not want the children to get upset, although DD always looks upset when DH shouts at Mummy. Even his sister asked me where the strong girl shes used to know has gone and why is her bro so angry - she even told me to stand up for myself to him and to not put up with it. He works 7 days a week but does not "have" to. His self employed and can never bring himself to turn work down because its all money money money. I am going to go for counselling at relate, hopefuully we both are, because I need to make myself heard, and hopefully he will hear he is unreasonable, and may start to see my point of view as he does not listen to me at all. Even if it does not save our relationship hopefully lessons can be learned.

OP posts:

lilacclaire · 14/08/2008 09:26

Is he worried about money, that was my first thought with the smoking and shopping? Other than your health for the smoking obviously.

Can you get a babysitter and have a night out/in together on a regular basis, it doesn't seem like he has a lot going on other than work, he sounds frustrated with his life tbh (not that its your fault).

I think that he probably has this ideal about what family life should be like (ie him working hard, mum at home) but reality does not live up to his ideals. He needs to let go every now and then and have some fun.

Podrick · 14/08/2008 09:31

I would suggest you insist on getting a job yourself for increased independence.

This will make it easier to have a more equal relationship and if the relationship breaks down it will be easier to cope.

TeaDr1nker · 14/08/2008 09:43

Well done for doing something positive about your smoking.

Personally i think that leaving is a little drastic at the moment, and be careful what you threaten - However, no one should be shouted at, you are both adults. How old is DH? Is he going through a mid life crisis? Sounds like he is. Could you do a part time course at your local collage or go to night school. I understand about the working thing, DP is also SE and works all the hours on earth, however when we got together i always said i would work, i didn't spend all those years at Uni for nothing.

I would suggest going out together, alone and telling him about his behaviour being unacceptable, especially shouting where the DC can hear. Also, i have to say if you want a drink at night, have one. Maybe not every night and if he says something ask him why he has a problem with it. Is he afraid you will become an alcoholic?

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 09:44

Yes, I agree. We do go out every so often but maybe not often enough. i shall try a regular babysitter.

I shall also try to get a job, it will have to be evenings as thats the only time he is here to look after the kids, it wont be easy persuading him though. Tried for 4 days 2 months ago and gave up in the end. But it could definately help in the future should things end.

OP posts:

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 09:49

Not sure what he is afraid of. Maybe himself? Dont think its a mid life crisis, his only 34! I have never threatened to leave but he has!

The shouting is also done in front of friends and family, none of whom can beleive I let him speak to me like that.

Its all a bit of a nightmare really.

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TeaDr1nker · 14/08/2008 09:50

I do understand about the other half not having friends - DP has one friend, who we see every couple of months. The way i see it he may not be very sociable but that doesn't stop me from being sociable. I socialise in the day and have the evenings for me and DP. Do you get any excersise? Seriously, maybe do a class a week in the evenings, having that hour or so on your own is very theraputic. I sold going to a class my talking about the benfits of Yoga, how it makes me feel better and how i am not as stiff etc etc because of doing it.

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 09:53

I agree "he may not be very sociable but that doesn't stop me from being sociable." But I do feel guilty. If I ask to have a night out with the grils he asks to come too!, I say its a girls night? Thats not how it works? But it makes me feel guilty about going out.

And yes that sound like a great idea, but will time for me, make it better for him? Or will he resent it?

OP posts:

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 09:57

Also I joined slimming world once, just to lose the baby belly. I went 3 times, then on the nights I was supposed to go, he was always late home so I couldnt get there.

OP posts:

TeaDr1nker · 14/08/2008 10:07

Yes a midlife crisis can happen in the thirties, happened to someone i know - but that is another story.

When he shouts at you infront of friends/family does anyone say anything to him? i.e - come on mate that's not on, or actually don't talk to my daughter like that. Or is it the white elephant in the corner?

Don't feel guilty about going out. I used but my view is that i have to look after me first. If i look after me then i can look after everyone else. Can you go to a class in the daytime? I would badger him about the excersise class - when he leaves in the morning remind him to be home on time - as you have a class. During the day call him - how are you dear, don't forget i am out tonight at said class. Look into a late night class, some of them start at 8.30 or so, he should well be home by them.

Also, the fact that he asks to come out with you - is this because he doesn't trust you or because maybe he wants to be more sociable but doesn't know how. Maybe he wants to make friends? I don't know, ask him. Is there a way for you to make couple friends - school PTA perhaps.

twoluvlykids · 14/08/2008 10:10

what does he do for you that's good? is he a good father?

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 10:24

Nobody really says anything at the time, although my Mum has spoken to him ,as have his Mum and his Sister, he complains everyone is on his case and walks off in then end. My friends try to stay quiet as dont want to rock the boat any further, but they dont really want to socialise with him anymore either.

Will definately try to look into a class. I think mostly he doesnt trust me. Think he is scared of losing me but his almost throwing me away at the same time. He was married once before but his wife went off with someone else and guess he thinks its going to happen again, to be fair he is almost throwing me into it! Although I wouldnt do that to him.

Good points, he is an ok Father, could be better but is not home enough to really get to know the kids I guess, he does try his best but doesnt know what makes them tick really, although he is by no way a bad Father and loves them very much.

The kids are lovely, happy, polite and loving to each other and to me, and to him.

He make me a cup of tea in the morning which is nice.

His a good provider.

Struggling to think of anything else! Oh dear.

OP posts:

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 10:26

His very good looking.

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twoluvlykids · 14/08/2008 10:33

oh dear.

is it enough?

sounds like you need to talk to him about how you feel, or even better, could you talk to his ex? why did she leave him?

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 14/08/2008 10:47

She lives abroad, so I couldnt do that. maybe the same thing, he was over here working a lot, and she was home alone. No kids though. Maybe he expected her to wait home doing nothing while he was away. have heard complaints she was at home partying while he was away but they were in their early 20's so not sure what he expected really?

OP posts:

Original poster

ovenbunny1 · 15/08/2008 09:24

Anyway, last night he said he doesnt love me anymore. Not sure if he meant it or was just looking for a reaction?

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